2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
7 MAJOR MISTAKES OF CHANGING PARTNERS
Lilya is crying, crumpling paper napkins in her hands. One by one, soaked in tears, they cover the iceberg of their previous friends, as if emphasizing the scale of the disaster. Lilya is trying very hard to calm down - but she cannot, because everything hurts her. Broken heart hurts. Soul hurts. Her body hurts - this is how she experiences a break in what seemed to her to be a strong bond with her husband.
And what about the husband? The husband ate pears. The husband swore an oath of love, was kind and cheerful, warm and caring. He loved children, loved Lilya … But his betrayal cut his life into "before" and "after". And now, six months after the infidelity, Lilya still cannot come to her senses, although the words "Forgive", "I love", "I'm sorry" have been said a hundred times, although flowers consistently appear once a week, although her husband walks on tiptoe and blows away dust … But she cannot calm down.
Why? The answer is simple: she lacks information. When she saw that unfortunate text message, when she slid down the wall, when she asked only one question: “Why are you doing this to me?” - her husband reacted instantly. Blocked his mistress. I began to ask for forgiveness and repent. He calmed Lilya as best he could.
But he NEVER TOLD ANYTHING ABOUT CHANGE.
“Forget it”, “It was and is gone”, “There is no need to delve into this” - these are his typical answers. Unfortunately, the husband does not understand that Lily's rich fantasies do not lie close to his, most likely banal and simple adventures. What Lilya thinks about:
- about passionate long foreplay, kisses on the stairs and in the elevator, in the hallway and in the kitchen;
- about the extraordinary talents of a mistress who is at the same time Marya the Master, a star of oral and anal sex, a porno and a super-model;
- that her husband does not love her, because she is worse, older, fatter (her 47 kg - no joke!) than his mistress;
- about the huge number of sexual acts that the husband performed with his mistress, and his gigantic potency next to her;
- that he secretly lusts for a mistress, and each time, closing in the toilet, admires her photo and masturbates.
The husband is flint. He is silent. Lily sheds tears. He continues to partisan. I continue to offer to come together. Lily's tears and my persistence win, and here it is - the appearance of her husband to the people.
According to Lily's descriptions, I imagined a kind of Apollo, handsome, macho - I also have a rich imagination. And here in front of me is an ordinary man, short, with a cockroach antennae and an outlined belly. Not Alain Delon, not Brad Pitt and not even the owner of crooked legs - evidence of a strong sexual constitution. Lilya is a slender, nervous, interesting blonde with huge eyes of a fawn, Bambi ripples with him looks like Audrey Hepburn with Ron Perlman - only short and with a ridiculous mustache (mustache … pass into panties …). Well, okay - I understand my irritation with my husband, I hide him in my jeans pocket, breathe and start work.
Gently and carefully, I convey to my husband why it is so important for Leela to know the details. Why, if one person has hurt another, it is important to restore the relationship not only to say “I will no longer” and to repent, but also to provide information to the injured partner. The husband hesitates for a long time, says that he does not want, cannot, it is not right … And finally, turning to Leela, he says: “It was once. At the corporate party. In the toilet …"
Bis! A curtain.
Of course, Lilya and I talked many more times: her feelings and experiences, and her early injuries, and her fantasies. How far were the imaginary worlds of unbridled voluptuousness built by Lilya from one-time sex in the toilet during a corporate party …
Its OK now. The husband is still blowing dust particles off Lilechka. He does not meet with a colleague who works in another building. Lilya no longer cries, but makes fun of how a single case of adultery can be elevated to the rank of a state crime.
But this is not about that. If the couple decided to move on, leaving the betrayal in the past, the relationship must be restored. And I want to talk about those typical mistakes that cheaters or ambivalent partners make.
Very often, when all the bad is over and the spouses have firmly decided to be together, events occur that again "raise the degree" and cause pain to the wounded partner. We will discuss what typical mistakes are made by unfaithful partners who want to restore relations in their couple.
1. They do not tell anything about the betrayal, pretend that nothing happened, and block all attempts to discuss the betrayal and generally remember that it took place. Or they tell them in great detail, with details, with unnecessary colorful descriptions, which leave flashbacks in the memory of the wounded partner for a long time. Right: tell the facts without unnecessary intimate details, but with the amount of details that someone else needs.
2. Blame the wounded partner for everything: if you had not … (cursed; kept silent; often went to her mother; worked so much), there would be no betrayal. This is victim-blaming - shifting responsibility on the victim for the misfortune that has happened to her. Right: admit your guilt and sincerely repent.
3. They compare a wife and a mistress / husband and a lover - and it does not matter how: "you are the best, she is not suitable for you" or "she is gentle and affectionate, not like you." Comparison with another person is painful, because there is a feeling that the changed partner hesitated for a long time in making his choice. Right: never talk about wife and mistress / husband and lover in the same sentence, especially with the unions "but she / he, unlike you."
4. Not ready to end a relationship with a lover / mistress, saying that "we are just friends", "there is nothing between us", "we work together - so then, quit." At the same time, the continuation of the relationship as if nothing had happened crosses out all the suffering, everything that happened to the wounded partner. Cheating is not drinking coffee or having a friendly chat. Right: if you want to save the marriage, stop the interaction, especially if the partner is in severe pain.
5. They continue to “darken”, hide the phone, not answer the questions “where have you been”, “why so late”, “why didn’t pick up the phone”, etc. This increases suspicion of the injured partner, new frightening fantasies arise. Right: open access to gadgets, calmly answer all the "stupid" questions during the time until the injured partner regains trust.
6. Forbid the injured partner "emotional outbursts" - screaming, swearing, despair, threats. Right: come to terms with the fact that the “half”, who has experienced pain from betrayal, will regress and behave like a small child; try to stay calm, not get angry, give the opportunity to speak up and cry, saying, “I'm sorry that I caused / caused you so much pain.
7. Set conditions and threaten: “If you don’t stop remembering”, “If you don’t start behaving normally”, “If you don’t calm down. Right: understand that the wounded partner is already doing everything he can; say: “I understand that it still hurts you, but I’m around”, regret and accept different manifestations.
None of us are being prepared for the role of a "traitor" or for the role of a "deceived", and we do not know how to behave in such a situation. Cheating is a serious crisis, and in order to survive it, in order to restore the relationship of love and trust, in order not to slip back into reproaches, conflicts and the search for a third object for consolation, you need to prepare for a long, difficult and serious work. Sometimes it looks like Sisyphean labor - it seems to have let go, everything was fine, and then again something reminded of the past, and away we go … Sometimes it looks like a quick exit from the forest, in which you spent many years, and everything seems to be fine, but only the encephalitis mites on the clothes do not allow you to relax … But this path is not easy either for the deceived or for the deceived side.
Carefully read the list of common mistakes and think: what points are relevant for your couple, and what can be changed for more effective way out of the crisis called "Treason".
I would be glad to receive your comments and feedback.
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