Difficult Teenagers

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I would like to share with you the opinion that I have formed as a result of my work with “difficult teenagers”.

Sometimes mothers of their children, adolescents of 13-14 years old, are brought in and cry for help with tears. They say that the child has become uncontrollable, behaves insolently, defiantly and sometimes frankly frightening. Mom herself looks at the floor, tears in her eyes, shame and “zero” explanations..

I look at the child: the child is almost a head taller than me, dully closed in defense, the pose is foot to foot, chomps gum and looks with a challenge, they say, "Come on, heal." Having convinced my mother to leave me alone with the child, I examine the teenager again: makeup in the style of "emo" - black lipstick and eyebrows "Arlecchino", the taste has not been formed … Apparently the whole sad look is a reflection of feelings about treatment.

I start working: looking for contact, asking questions, demanding an answer, removing psychological clamps and letting emotions outflow - it's not difficult if you find the right approach - to make it clear that I am the same.

And then the story begins! The story of how one day the parents made a decision and presented the child with the fact that they decided to change their partner. Mom found herself a new husband - not such a "goat as the previous one" - the child's father, or dad - found "not a goat." This is how a new life begins. And - a new story about how parents themselves mutilate their child.

After the story told, abundantly seasoned with smeared tears, mascara and lipstick, when I see clarification in the heavy gaze of a teenager, we begin to have a productive conversation.

I ask questions and collect all the information, first of all, about the needs of the child himself. What makes you wear such a bright, provocative makeup? It turns out that everything is simple - "Because you want attention." Attention and respect for the environment where, as it seems to her, she is understood and her experiences are shared. In the company of children who have suffered from the inattention and selfishness of their parents. Such children go out into the street, get lost in the company, protest against the inattention of their parents, with one inner motive - to calm down and switch. Why are they running? They themselves do not always understand, only in a conversation, when children feel that they can trust, it pops up - the old strong world is destroyed, so there is no desire to stay in it. Because for a child, on a subconscious level, parents are the embodiment of a higher power on earth.

And when I ask myself why this is happening: why does a teenage girl on the street, in the cold and cold, feel safer than at home, where she grew up, where her Mom lives, her Living God on Earth, it turns out that the fact of warmth, there is no mother's care and affection in the house!

As a result of a conversation with a child, I reveal a list of his desires. During my practice, I have already developed a term - a list of Basic Vital Desires. It is surprising that there are no expensive iPhones, cosmetics or clothes in it, but there are, for example:

- the desire to take mom by the hand when walking around the city;

- in the evening, wrapped in a blanket, snuggle up to my mother's shoulder and watch a movie under some “tasty treat”;

- so that the mother openly, honestly, like a friend, shared with her daughter her impressions of the first kiss, sex;

- so that my mother teaches how to take care of herself;

- so that your mother explains the value of your beauty and youth for herself, first of all, and for the same boys;

- to tell you what you will have to face every day;

- for mom to tell what an ideal happy woman should be;

- so that you can come to your mother when they are offended, and just cry on your shoulder.

And one such big wish in bold huge letters

- I want to be needed, I want to be loved!

If the parents do not meet this basic list of vital needs for the child, then he begins to try to satisfy it on the side!

As a result, if the situation does not change, then growing up, such "girls in search of happiness" find themselves a lot of misfortune:

often quickly marry just about anyone, driven solely by the need to feel needed, loved, protected; often endure neglect and humiliation, habitual to them from childhood, already from other people - classmates, colleagues, friends, husband; from childhood, they have completely not formed the very idea of what it is - the feeling of happiness and security, and therefore they become easy "victims" for others, more self-confident, but not particularly decent people

Some mothers, bringing their children to me, do not even realize how the divorce of the parents affects the child. They do not understand that with one rupture they are already causing the child tremendous pain, and then, starting to fight with each other, and using the child as their intermediary, they simply tear his soul apart.

The child loves both mom and dad. For him, the choice, whom he loves more - mom or dad? - the worst nightmare in the world. When dad calls and is not interested in “how are you doing at school? what did you do, what did you do? what are your successes in sports? or what new song have you learned to play the piano? When he asks - “Well, what’s mom there; and whether she swears with her uncle; but tell your mom like this, and see how she reacts”…

And against this background, the mother considers it her duty to convey through her daughter that it is time for the father to pay alimony, shoes, boots, a hat are needed … - the child is forced to become a postman of bitter letters and Parental grievances. And all this is absorbed into the child, absorbed and absorbed, causing him excruciating pain. As a result, the child closes up and leaves. He goes where he thinks he is understood.

And he becomes that 14-year-old monster that looks terribly defiant; behaves vulgarly on the street; swears; takes a drag on his cigarette and thinks that the top of the luxury of this world lies in a plastic glass with a cheap 777 port. does not think so. Because no one taught him this. The size of his mental needs dropped to the level of "survival." He was literally stuck in the torment of his nightmare: choose whom do you love more - mom or dad?

All children who were hostages of such situations are always very lonely and have a lot of fears. A scratch has already been postponed on the child's subconsciousness in the soul: "Yeah, mom exchanged my dad for another, so she can do the same with me!" And the child begins to develop in the direction of confirming his fears, creating situations in such a way that at the end of the conflict it becomes clear - "Yeah, my mother doesn't love me after all." The same situation can arise with the father.

As a result, a teenager becomes convinced that he is not loved, appreciated, not respected, and he is not needed. And this is a deep trauma!

And how can you help such children?

I try after several sessions, when the child speaks out, becomes calmer, learns to interact not through hysteria and reproaches, but through open questions; when learning to turn negative emotion into teaching material of life for oneself;ー I invite parents to the office for a conversation.

It is ideal if both parents come, and it is great luck if these parents come with a sincere desire to help their child. Then therapy goes much faster, at an accelerated pace. After all, I once, specifically and in an accessible way, explain to parents that since you have undertaken to be parents, so be them! That, probably, you shouldn't be so selfish about life and it makes sense to consider your little child, too, a person, to be interested in his opinion, desires, thoughts. I take out that list of Basic Vital Desires, and you know what happens next? Moms start crying, even dads' eyes fill with tears … silence in the office …

And they leave, somewhere in a cafe, where, under a cup of coffee, they talk with each other, with their child, and the parents take full responsibility for his life and health (including mental health).

In this situation, although the child knows that he can no longer change what happened, because mom has another, and dad has another, but he has a feeling of confidence that both parents love him. He understands that he no longer needs to fight them! He accepts that mom and dad are no longer a family, but individually they are still a protection and support for him. And that he would no longer have to choose between them. It's good when parents ask their child for forgiveness.

When the child opens up to his parents again, he rinses off the black lipstick, and goes to study well at school. This result always pleases me most of all, I call it - a victory!

If one of the parents comes, the prescription for the treatment of the child's mental trauma is put into only one head of the mother (or father). And when the behavior and thinking of even one parent changes, then against the background of causing less harm, there are improvements in the state of the child's psyche.

I want to appeal to all parents, and to those who are just planning to become one: a child is not a toy in your hands! And no matter how your relationship with your partner develops, always remember that it was your choice - to become a parent. So be it!