2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Several times I have worked with children in a situation of parental divorce. Regardless of different situations, children experienced similar feelings. I do not write about all the children in general who find themselves in such a situation, I only describe what I came across and worked with. They can be characterized by the phrase: "Mom, I want another dad!".
In one case, the parents were not scheduled, but dad came to mom to solve educational and material issues. He did not work much with the child, and the girl became jealous of her mother that her father spends almost all the time with her and does not pay any attention to her. The girl (9.5 years old), after such indifferent receptions from her father, began to tell her mother that she wanted another father. And not even ask, but demand.
In another case, the father lived with his family, but the mother decided to divorce due to numerous conflicts. The father could hit the boy at any time, throw him away, insult him. And then the child began to tell his mother: “I want another dad!”. The child's fear, anxiety that he would do the same next time led to such thoughts over and over again.
Third situation. The divorce in the family happened a long time ago (about 2 years ago), but my mother has not yet adjusted her life due to the fact that she needs to raise a child, have time to do household chores and work. I don't see my father after the divorce. The teenage child is reluctant to date his biological father due to disagreements and conflicts that existed when the family was still complete. But the need for a father remains, as the mother notices that he has begun to reach out to older children and better communicate with his grandfather.
In these three situations, you can see why the child wants a different dad. But it also happens in another way. When mom and dad, it would seem, are on good terms, they are not going to get divorced, moreover, dad works with the child, devotes time to him, buys toys, happens to him somewhere, and the child still has thoughts about the "other" dad … What happens to the child and in the relationship in general?
The first reason for such thoughts in a child may be the dissatisfaction of mom with dad. That he is doing something wrong, that he does not bring a lot of money home, that he does not help around the house … Mom expresses these thoughts to Dad. Maybe not even directly, but in the look and gestures, in the stress of the mother, the child feels everything … and he thinks (and children have such a feature - to think that you are omnipotent) that he can "make" mom happy with another dad. She is not very happy with this. Or a child could one day hear something from mom about dad, and these words were engraved in his memory for a long time.
The second reason is the absence of the dad at home. That is, he seems to be there, but he is not. He is on regular business trips, or works on a watch for 20 days a month. The child does not see him, and feels that he practically does not have a dad. Or dad has work until 9 pm, and sometimes even on weekends, and he comes home when the child is already asleep, hugging a toy.
The third reason is that the child and the father speak different languages of love and it is difficult for the father to understand (no matter how hard he tries to please) what the child needs. He can load up the child with expensive toys, but the child will not feel loved and important in the family, and he needs something completely different - to spend half an hour of quality time with his dad (read together, play board games, arrange a pillow fight). The child begins to get angry and this translates into such statements. In general, these words can be a way of expressing dissatisfaction with a situation. And this is not necessarily the desire behind these words.
The fourth reason is only the mother's authority in the family, not both parents. The child obeys only mom, and depreciates dad, saying, for example, that “I don’t need such a dad”. Listening, as a rule, is very painful and it is important for parents in this situation to reconsider their positions in relation to "who is in charge of the family."
The fifth reason is that the child is often faced with rejection by the parent."Go away, don't bother", "You don't see, I'm busy." And he learns to reject his parents in response with the same offensive words.
The fifth reason is to attract attention, to manipulate. As a rule, parents pay attention to such words and begin to express dissatisfaction, to understand. A child who does not get attention needs this - to draw attention to himself, albeit with dissatisfaction.
What should parents do if the child says he wants a different dad?
- Do not shame or scold the child for such words. Yes, it can be extremely offensive and unpleasant. But parents, as adults, first need to understand the situation. Perhaps the child, in a fit of his feelings, did not quite understand what he said.
- Talk to him. Why does he say that? What "this" does he not want? Which one would you like? This will help you understand your child's needs.
- Make it clear to the child that his words offend the parents. That they would never in their life want to have another son or daughter, that they love this very thing, that dad loves the child.
- Observe the child, identify his needs. At what moments does the child say this phrase, how often? What does he want at the moment? Is he tired, naughty? Asks to buy something? So it will help parents understand where the manipulation is, and where the child really needs to show attention and respond.
- Monitor your speech to avoid negative experiences of rejection in your child.
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