Mom + Dad = Sex. And No Children

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

How much depends on the relationship between husband and wife

And not even from whether they were able to maintain friendship, warmth, or at least some semblance of normal relations. And from whether they are a couple, lovers

Oddly enough it sounds, but this fact will not only determine a healthy or unhealthy climate in the family, but is also a determining factor in a number of psychosomatic symptoms in children. Adult sexuality, “spilled in the field”, not directed at another adult, forces the child to respond in response. And since it cannot “respond” like an adult child, it responds with another organ, for example, the skin. The skin is generally an organ that is our bodily boundary, and if the boundaries of the child are violated, then skin disorders can show this. Itchy, flaky, swollen, reddened arms and legs, especially on the inner thighs, can be a sign that the boundaries of the baby are being violated. He is forced to respond to adult sexuality. Adults often and densely do not “cut through” such moments. A mother can sleep with a child (and it is not so important whether it is a daughter or a son), she can walk around the apartment half-naked or completely naked, allow her to go to her bathroom; father hugs his daughter, pressing her to his naked body. And even all this may not be, adults can be buttoned up with all the buttons, but there is something that cannot be buttoned up or hidden - adult sexuality. And if it is not directed to another adult, if it is not focused, not accumulated within the couple, but simply hovers in the field, then children respond to it. Some respond with skin, some with an eternally stuffy nose, some with constant inflammation of the nasopharynx, some with asthma, some with neuroses - for example, the desire to constantly wash and cleanse oneself.

What to do about it? - you will logically ask.

above all, respect the boundaries

Everyone has their own bed, their own space, their own territory, their own right to intimacy. The things that people usually do behind closed doors should happen there. You will not change your clothes in front of strangers, will you? And to walk in front of her husband's friends in shorts? Why not close the bathroom door? I knew a family that had no bathroom doors at all for a long time.

Ideally, the doors of the parents' bedroom should be closed at all times, in the imperfect - at least at night.

I can hear the indignant exclamations of some comrades: “Wait! But we are not strangers! We are a family!"

You and your husband or wife - yes. What you can do with your sexual partner definitely cannot be done with a child. These are different levels of relationships and boundaries.

I know a woman who persistently came to change where the whole family gathered, she could take off her bra and stand in front of her adult sons with bare breasts, communicating with enthusiasm. She had always done this since the moment she breastfed them. In her understanding, nothing has changed - they have remained her little sons. “These are my children! What's wrong with that !?"

Sexuality is such a thing, you don't know where it will shoot. Maybe so - in unconscious incestuous behavior. In such behavior, when an adult, without realizing it, seduces his child.

Feeling the boundaries of intimacy is a very important thing. Your own boundaries, the boundaries of the other person and the boundaries of the couple's intimacy. If you are good with your own boundaries, then it is much easier to accept the other person's right to personal space and understand where the boundaries of your couple's intimacy lie, separating them from other people and, above all, children.

Children who grow up in families where boundaries are chronically violated, where there was unconscious incestuous behavior on the part of their parents, can grow into detached parents. Frightened by "this" in childhood, fearing not to cope with their own sexuality, not to keep the boundaries, they build an impenetrable wall between themselves and the children, fearing to touch the child once again, especially the child of the opposite sex. The truth is that children just need touch, they need tenderness, love, warmth. Children who do not get physical contact with a loving, caring adult suffer as much as children whose boundaries have been violated. An adult is required to have a subtle sense of his own boundaries of intimacy and the boundaries of the child's intimacy.

it is important to remember that the child's body is his personal territory, and not the property of his parents

This is his sovereign country. And body manipulation, especially intrusion into the body (such as enemas and injections) is subconsciously perceived as sexual abuse. Think about it the next time you treat your child, perhaps there are some more gentle ways to save him, in which you can do without violence.

With the boundaries of the intimacy of an individual person, it has always been difficult for us.

Until now, common toilets continue to exist in schools; in one serious university, I observed a toilet without doors. At the school where my youngest daughter is studying, boys and girls dress for physical education together in the same class. I will not forget the moment when we Soviet schoolchildren were herded to the gym for a medical examination, and all the girls stood in line to the orthopedist naked to the waist. What are the limits of intimacy here …

According to the results of psychological research: the most traumatic thing for people in prisons is not imprisonment, but the deprivation of the right to intimacy. Remember this if you decide to organize an "open office" where employees sit elbow to elbow, if not harder.

a person needs boundaries not only in a public space, but also in a family

I remember the exclamations of one father of the family: “I hate closing the door! If we are a family, then all doors must be open!"

Each person should have a space where he can retire, and where no one has the right to intrude - this is his right to intimacy, to his own world, his territory, where he feels calm and protected. And this is his decision - whether to let you in there or not. If a child has the ability to lock his room with a key, then he does not need to sit in the toilet or in the bathroom for hours, he will be able to feel calm in his room.

And you yourself have a place, besides the toilet, where no one will bother you?

Simultaneously with the personal boundaries, there are the boundaries of the couple, where other people are ordered to enter, and children are generally prohibited. Children have no place in the field of sex.

These are real territorial boundaries - your own room, closed doors, concern for your own privacy. (In many families, the parental bedroom is a "hall" or "living room" or, in general, a walk-through room that has no doors.)

And "virtual" boundaries - when the sexuality of an adult is directed at his sexual partner, and not at the child.

This is probably the most difficult thing.

if with real boundaries it is more and less clear, this is that it is under control and it is enough to follow a number of rules and everything is “ok”, that is, things that cannot be hidden under clothes and cannot be fenced off with doors. it's own sexuality

And thank God that you have it. Another question is that the sexuality of an adult should be directed at another adult, and if this adult is not there, then it rushes about restless and becomes attached to the child. She is "glorified" by the child. Unconsciously "glorifies". Yes, and it is probably not so easy for you to understand what is happening, although some still feel their own excitement or “something wrong” in the child's touching and caressing, which makes adults feel uncomfortable. The problem is that if a man or a woman does not have a sexual object, for some reason even the spouse is not now, then sexuality “spills over into the field” and is addressed to the child. A whole gamut of psychosomatic disorders occurs on this basis in children, not to mention the occurrence of psychological trauma associated with the violation of boundaries. The child seems to be not being raped, the boundaries of his body are not invaded, and the trauma associated with sexual use appears. Therefore, in order not to turn your child into a sexual partner, address all your sexuality to another adult.

It is clear that a woman will not just give up sex with her husband or build her life in such a way that there will be no men in it, but this is a topic for another conversation.

Now it is important to understand one thing - when relations between dad and mom are improving in a family, when passion arises and awakens in a couple, when the boundaries of a love idyll arise, everyone benefits from this, and most of all children

Children stop pulling the burden of parental sexuality. And get excited where they don't need it at all. Their body ceases to hear the call of adult love.

I watched how the combed spots on the arms of a ten-year-old girl instantly lightened after mom and dad remembered that they were a couple and spent a night full of passion and love. And how a 6-year-old boy stopped compulsively washing his hands after his mother began to sleep in her bed and stopped walking around the apartment in only shorts.