How To Support A Relative With Cancer

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Often, when relatives of cancer patients turn to me, they have many questions about how to behave better, what and how to say, how to help correctly, etc. Of course, it is impossible to "grasp the immensity", and even these recommendations, developed by Karl and Stephanie Simonton, I had to divide into 2 notes, due to the very large amount of information. At the same time, I think some of them will give direction to those who are looking for answers to these and many other questions. So, "how to support a relative with cancer":

Encourage the expression of feelings

Having learned about their illness, patients often cry a lot. They mourn the possibility of their own death and the loss of the feeling that they will live forever.

They grieve at the loss of their health and that they are no longer strong and energetic people. Grief is a natural response to a given situation, and the family should try to understand and accept this. When a person in the face of death restrains his feelings and does not show that he is in pain, this is not a sign of courage. Courage lies in being the person you really are, even if others judge you by existing standards that dictate how you "should" behave.

The only, but very important help that the family can offer to the patient in this situation is the willingness to go through all these difficulties with him. If the patient does not say that he wants to be alone, be with him, provide him with as much physical warmth and intimacy as possible. Hug and touch him often. Don't be afraid to share your feelings.

As your understanding grows and your perception of what is happening changes, so-called “unworthy” or “wrong” feelings will also change. But they will change much faster if both you and the patient, instead of driving them away, allow yourself to experience them. Moreover, nothing contributes to the ingraining of "unworthy" feelings more than our attempts to get rid of them. When consciousness rejects a feeling, this feeling “goes underground” and continues to influence human behavior through the unconscious, over which the person has practically no control. And then you become addicted to this feeling. But if feelings are accepted, it is much easier for a person to free themselves from them or change them.

Whatever your feelings or those of your loved ones, this is normal. Whatever the patient feels is also normal. If you find yourself trying to influence how other people feel, stop yourself. This can only lead to pain and disruption of the connection between you. Nothing damages a relationship more than a person's feeling that they cannot be themselves.

Listen and respond without compromising your integrity

When the person you love is going through an emotional crisis, you are ready to do anything to help him. In this case, it is best to simply ask the patient: “Can I help you somehow?”, And then listen carefully to him. Remember that during this difficult period people often misunderstand each other, so try to hear the patient's true request behind the words of the patient.

If the patient feels sorry for himself at this moment, he may say something like: “Oh, leave me alone! The worst that could have happened has already happened! " Since you may not be completely clear about what is behind such an answer, you can check whether you understood it correctly by repeating: "So you want me to leave you alone?", Or: "I did not quite understand, do you want to leave or stay? " Thus, the patient will know how you understood his request.

Sometimes, in response to a question, you will hear impossible demands or just an explosion of accumulated feelings. Then, asking: “Can I help you somehow?”, You will receive in response something like: “Yes, you can. You can take this damn disease for yourself so that I can live like everyone else! You may be offended and angry at this: you offered the person your love and understanding, and you got it for it. In such cases, you have a desire to kick back or withdraw into yourself.

Of all the possible reactions, this withdrawal is the most damaging to a relationship. The restrained pain and resentment almost inevitably leads to emotional alienation, and this causes even more pain and resentment. In the end, even a harsh response that leaves an emotional connection between you is better than alienation. For example, try to answer in the following way: “I understand that it is very difficult for you, you are angry, and I cannot always immediately predict your mood. But when I hear this in response, I am very offended. This answer shows that you accept the feelings of a loved one and at the same time do not hide your own feelings.

It is very important that you try to remain true to yourself. If in response to an offer to help you receive an obviously impossible request, it is necessary to make the patient understand that your possibilities are limited: “I would like to help you, but I am not able to do this. Maybe I can help you with something else? Such an answer does not close the possibilities for continuing the relationship and shows that you love and worry about your loved one, but at the same time you determine the boundaries within which you can and would like to act.

Another difficulty arises when the fulfillment of the patient's request requires that the interests of a family member be sacrificed. This difficulty can often be resolved if both sides are very careful about what is behind the request.

In order for communication to be sincere and truly help to endure difficulties, it is necessary to be sensitive to what you hear and say. Below are some tips that can help your loved ones.

Try to avoid phrases that deny or reject the patient's feelings, such as: "Don't be silly, you won't die at all!", "Don't think so!" or: "Stop feeling sorry for yourself all the time!" Remember that there is nothing you can do about the sick person's feelings. You can only listen to them. You don't even need to understand them. And of course, do not try to change them, otherwise you will only achieve that your loved one will become worse, because he will come to the conclusion that his feelings are unacceptable to you.

You should not look for solutions to the patient's problems for him or "save" him from difficult experiences. Give him the opportunity to simply express his feelings. Do not try to become a psychotherapist for your loved one: from this he may conclude that you do not accept him as he is, and that his feelings should be different. The best thing you can do for him is to accept and acknowledge what he is feeling. If you can, briefly summarize what he is going through with a phrase like: "It all makes you very upset" or: "How unfair it all is!" Even a simple nod of agreement or something like “Of course I understand” can be better than any words from which the patient could understand that his experience is unacceptable to you.

Notice if you are talking more than you are listening, and if you are finishing phrases for the sick. If so, consider whether your own worries are behind it and whether it would be better if you let the patient talk.

Speaking less can lead to long minutes of silence in your communication. In the situation described, people usually have serious inner work, so it is quite natural that both you and the patient will plunge into themselves from time to time, and this does not mean that you are unpleasant to each other. Such silence can even sometimes lead to the fact that the usually reserved person begins to share their long-held feelings.

If you are not used to these periods of silence when communicating - and most of us try to somehow fill in the pauses that arise in a conversation - silence can cause you to stress. Try to get used to it and not feel awkward. When people do not feel uncomfortable during such pauses, they begin to value the conversation more, because they do not believe that they should talk at all costs, and speak only when they really feel such a need.

Remember that your feelings are often different from those of the sick person

You may be preoccupied with the practical problems of everyday life, and the sick person next to you at this time is dominated by the fear of death and is trying to find meaning in his existence. Sometimes you get the feeling that you begin to understand his feelings, and suddenly it turns out that his mood suddenly changed, and you again find yourself in complete confusion. All this is quite understandable: you and your loved one are going through various life situations and, naturally, react to them in different ways.

In some families, when people react in the same way to everything, it is considered a kind of proof of love and devotion. And if the husband perceives something differently from the wife, she may think that he is moving away from her; when the children's reaction is very different from that of their parents, this can be interpreted as rebellion. The requirement that everyone has the same, “acceptable” feelings always has a destructive effect on relationships between people, but in times of strong emotional upheaval it becomes an almost insurmountable obstacle. Allow differences to emerge.

Problems of long-term illness

Saying that in a family with people with cancer, it is necessary to establish an atmosphere of honesty, sincerity and try not to sacrifice the family's needs for the sake of the patient's interests, the authors proceed from the fact that the disease usually lasts for many months, or even years. If you fail to maintain an open relationship and you constantly “save” the patient (this is described in more detail in the second note), you are doomed to lie. When a person tries to play a positive role, but at the same time does not experience positive emotions, this leads to a tremendous waste of energy. Failure to honestly and openly discuss the likelihood of relapse and death in your family can lead to a relationship of estrangement and awkwardness.

In addition, dishonesty in words will affect the physical condition of family members. Long-term, possibly fatal illness is stressful in itself, and if you fail to openly address the problems that arise, it can be detrimental to your health.

Of course, honesty under these conditions is associated with pain, but the experience of the authors shows that this pain is nothing compared to the loneliness and isolation that occurs when people cannot be themselves.

The tension of the situation and their own emotional needs of relatives often lead to the fact that they are not always able to provide the emotional support that the patient needs so much. However, nowhere is it said that he can only turn to the closest relatives for warmth and support, and many patients receive a huge emotional charge outside the family, from friends and acquaintances. If you see the patient's attempts to establish some kind of relationship outside the family, this does not mean that the family has not coped with its task - it is very difficult for close relatives to satisfy absolutely all the patient's emotional needs, while not forgetting about their own interests.

Periodic referral to a counselor psychologist can be of great benefit to both patients and family members. He will help resolve many difficulties and provide the support often needed in situations that often cause guilt in everyone involved. Such family counseling often helps to create an atmosphere of openness and security in which people can more easily cope with their concerns. Counseling can also benefit patients in addressing the underlying psychological causes of cancer.

Another problem that requires openness and honesty from all family members is the financial difficulties inevitably associated with a long-term illness. Very often because of them, the patient's relatives experience a sense of guilt when they spend some money on their needs, because in our society it is accepted that all available funds should be spent on the patient's needs. This also causes guilt in the patient himself, as he puts his family in such a difficult financial situation.

If both the patient and his relatives believe that death is inevitable, all these experiences become unnecessarily exaggerated. The family often insists that the patient spend money on himself, while the patient believes that this is a “waste of money” and that it should go to those who still have “their whole life ahead”. Few are able to easily deal with this problem and find a balance between all financial interests. This can only be achieved with openness and creativity in solving difficulties.

Continued