Case Study: A Story Of Shame And Imperfection

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I., a 37-year-old man, sought psychotherapy for a troubling relationship at work. According to him, he had a rather difficult relationship with his subordinates. Being a rather demanding and sometimes harsh leader, he wanted to create a stable and well-coordinated team, which at the time of his appeal turned out to be quite difficult for I

Before contacting me, according to I., he had been undergoing therapy with another therapist for 3 years, the focus of this process was the peculiarities of building relationships in his family, the ability to express his own feelings, especially warm ones. I. already understood quite a lot about his personal characteristics in organizing contact and assumed that therapy would develop in a manner similar to previous experience. However, the beginning of therapy turned out to be quite acute - I. soon began to experience pronounced anxiety before each meeting, and during the session he faced significant shame.

At the same time, according to I., he had never experienced such a strong tension with the previous therapist. It seemed to him that I secretly condemn him and ask about the peculiarities of his relations with subordinates in order to find flaws in his behavior. Meanwhile, I felt sympathy for I. and even tenderness at some moments of our therapy, despite the fact that I. behaved almost all the time rather detached. Over time, I.'s reactions began to disturb me, it seemed to me that the therapy process was not moving at all.

I tried to find flaws in my work and criticized myself. The "virus" of shame and inferiority made them experience therapy with I. as a failure.

In the process of experiencing these feelings, it turned out to be extremely important for me to realize that in working with I. I have no right to make mistakes and fail. At the next session, I shared my experiences with I.

I.'s reaction was instantaneous - he began to tell with excitement in his voice that he had never in his life had the right to make a mistake.

Moreover, in contact with me, he was especially acutely confronted with this sensation and fantasizes that my love and care must be earned by some achievement of perfection (it should be noted that the words “love” and “care” were uttered by I. for the first time during therapy).

I asked I. to listen to my experience at this moment and asked what he needed at that moment. I. said that he needed permission to be himself, with all his shortcomings, and in contact with me he needed this permission especially acutely. I.'s words touched me to the depths of my soul, I felt a certain mixture of respect, gratitude and sympathy for I., which I placed in our contact.

I said that he does not need to try to earn my acceptance, which already lives in our contact, I am convinced that he has the right to make mistakes, and my attitude towards him does not depend in any way on the degree of his perfection. I. looked extremely surprised, but at the same time moved.

The described session seems to have initiated significant progress both in therapy and in I.'s life. He became more tolerant of his subordinates, giving them the right to imperfection, his behavior towards relatives and friends also became more flexible and warm. In the life of I. there was a place for acceptance and care. Therapy with I. continues, the focus of her attention is on ways of gaining recognition within relationships, which are not built in a functional way (as before), but against the background of the possibility of the presence of their experience in them.

Looking back at the early days of therapy, I ask myself, “How did the theme of acceptance and the right to imperfection come about in therapy? What is the client's contribution here? And what is my contribution, a person whose acceptance and recognition must be earned?"

I am deeply convinced of only one thing - the described therapeutic dynamics was made possible thanks to the participation of I.and mine in our contact. The dynamics of therapy in a different context would be completely different.