2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I'm here to you again about the sore. About feelings. Many of my clients love me with a sincere and poorly concealed love for this innocent question "what are you feeling now?" And it seems to be a simple question, not the square root of Pi, and not even about the year in which World War II began. But the answer is not always easy to find
The skill to distinguish one's own feelings is formed from childhood. As a rule, it is the mother who is responsible for him, who should tell the child what he feels. Remember this magical anecdote “- Mom, I'm cold? - no, do you want to eat ?:) He's just about that)
When the child falls and it hurts, it is the mother who calls and explains what he is feeling now. That is, literally a little person is capricious, and my mother says: the bunny is hungry, so she is angry. Or some loud sound frightened and the person burst into tears, and my mother, hugging, says: it was very loud, you were scared, everything is in order.
It happens that the mother behaves differently and does not speak about feelings with the child. Then, growing up, it can be very difficult to distinguish one emotion from another. For example, it is difficult to distinguish anger from hunger, and tiredness from sadness. Then draw a distinction, the boundary between what happens inside (sensations, feelings) and what is outside (the event that happened).
Why doesn't mom talk to her child about feelings, name and explain them? There are several options.
Option 1. Let's not forget about cultural differences. In some there is a solid prohibition on the expression of any feelings. It's hard to imagine the Queen of Great Britain laughing excitedly during breakfast. Or a samurai who became sad on the way and went to eradicate melancholy at a party.
Option 2. As a child, no one taught my mother this wonderful skill. Therefore, she simply had nothing to teach the child. Feelings will remain an equation with three unknowns until someone else appears, someone who can call pain pain and anger anger.
Option 3. It happens that talking about feelings in the family is not accepted in principle. It hurts - be patient, don't be a rag. Fun - rejoice in yourself, don't be like a fool. The quieter you behave, the more comfortable and calmer your parents are. Then the feelings "as unnecessary" do not get. None, in principle. Then you start to rejoice and be sad "when needed."
Option 4. Inadequate reaction of parents to the feelings of the child. For example, in response to tears and sadness - to receive aggression in the form of a crack. One to ring in your ears. "Now, at least the reason will whine." Or outright ridicule and devaluation. “Cry, you will go to the toilet less; I'll bring you a cup now, collect your tears there. " Or ignorance. Literal: the child cries / laughs, but there is no reaction from the parents. In all these cases, feelings become unnecessary, dangerous, hurting, useless. But they still remain. They will be looking for a way out one way or another. Most often - through the body.
How often do you talk directly about feelings? “With words through the mouth,” as one client says) But sometimes clients come with just such a request: not to feel. It is generally understandable: to be accepted, you have to find this damn Zen, stay positive, environmentally friendly, God forgive me and enjoy the sunset and the butterfly flying by. And if you can't, you don't fit in, it's rubbish, dude.
Therefore, sometimes blocking, trampling on feelings seems to be a great solution. The trouble is that it works until some time. Sooner or later, a crack will form in the dam, which will ruin all this cast-iron-concrete protection. The water will break through and flood all living things. Moving from the language of metaphor: feelings will somehow find a way out. Not in affect, so through the body. And it will be more difficult to deal with them.
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