Story "When The Limit Is Reached Or An Excerpt From A Session That Did Not Exist"

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The story "When the Limit is reached or an excerpt from a session that did not exist."

Well, here I am, not even at a crossroads, but at the end of all roads. Everyone has arrived. Limit. So, what is next? And I don't know what's next. This is just as depressing as the fact that with the end of the path, all the meanings that led me these years turned out to be final. Childhood, girlhood, marriage, motherhood, study, therapy, work, growth. All this was intertwined and endowed by me both with separate meanings and with one common, most important meaning - to survive, survive, to reach the End. Got it. Now what? Now i am free! Yes, Freud was right when he said that people do not need freedom, they are afraid of it, they do not know what to do with it, and the responsibility for it is enormous.

"Most people don't really want freedom because it involves responsibility, and responsibility is scary for most people." "Psychopathology of Everyday Life" Z. Freud.

A big stage of my life has passed, I have come to the Limit, but I don’t know where to go further, I don’t know what I want, I don’t know what I’m capable of. Am I capable of anything at all? One gets the impression that there was a long way to oneself, and when all unnecessary things, with which one had to cope, decide, understand, overcome, disappeared, then the question arose sharply: WHAT NOW? WHO AM I? WHAT I NEED? And this reached the Limit, plunged into a state that can not be called otherwise than twilight, gray, lifeless, sad. It seems that this is your life, what you went to, what you fought for, and the worst thing, that is how your life will remain, because you cannot see where to go, and most importantly why?

It is quite possible that this is a period when some meanings have lost their relevance, while others have not yet been discovered. How do you want your life to be now? What do you want her to be? The catch is that you feel like you don't want anything, because everything has lost its meaning and purpose. There are no desires, you do not know what to want, why want anything at all, if life is finite. Well, and you still have to live to death somehow … and such a gray existence will be life, from the moment you reached the Limit, when you received it, what you were striving for. And it turned out that she did not know that everything would not be as she had imagined, and she had no idea how it would be. Moreover, in my outer life everything is good and prosperous, but as if this is the well-being that allows one to go to the Dark Lands of one's own soul and bring out true meanings and desires into the light. Learn to live this life.

I know how to survive, cope, overcome, but how to live, no. In order to get real pleasure, so as not to suffer from the fact that you are alive, not to wait this time until death, but to live it qualitatively. Doing something because you enjoy it, and you want it, you truly want it.

Earlier, I did many things, thinking that I enjoy life, that this is how it should be and that it is so good and right. But then I came to understand that this is not the truth, not genuine joy, but part of the role, part of the image that I created for myself, believed in it, grew together, but this veil was ripped off me, and I was naked in front of myself And I understand that I don't understand a damn thing, I don't know a damn thing, neither about myself, nor about my desires.

I feel guilt, with every cell of my body, for every day spent in depression, because on such days I do not want to live, I am tormented by the thought that I am wasting a valuable gift on despondency, and a vile creaky voice inside is whining and pouring oil into the cauldron where my soul, which does not enjoy life, will squirm: it is a sin to think so - it creaks ominously - life is a blessing, happiness, you should rejoice every day, every minute lived, cherish and value it.

But what if you do not find reasons for joy already? Previously, the singing of birds and the intricate play of sunlight with the wind in the leaves of trees could comfort, lull the soul, fill it with joy and pleasure from the fact that there is gas to see, ears to hear, skin to feel and soul to combine all this into experience of joy, unity with the world, harmony. It seems that I had this ability, so that it was possible to survive, so that I had the strength to overcome difficulties, such an equalizer. Are you fighting for freedom? Here's a little help for you - enjoy the sound of the wind, the rustle of the waves, the air, enjoy, be saturated with strength and create your freedom, fight for it, live! And all this was and worked and helped, for the time being.

But now, no. These are the given, the values which, it seems, I will be able to enjoy again after the new meaning of my separately taken small life is found - exactly how to live it now, what exactly to fill it with now, to what and to whom to allocate valuable time now? I would like to cry out desperately: Why did you tell me that freedom is a heavy burden, that it would be so difficult that it would be painful to find a use for it? But they said! Many bright minds spoke about this in poetry, and in cinema and in painting, and in philosophy, and in psychoanalysis. After all, as it turns out, when you get it, this freedom, and you no longer have to fight, the most difficult thing begins - to rebuild the soul from military actions to a peaceful life-existence, to find new meanings, new joys, new desires. Relax and just live!

Here I have a life, I am free and free to do whatever I want with it, it's up to me to decide, and this is a huge responsibility! And this choice must be made, to find meanings, otherwise sit in depression until the end of days. Will I trade it all for lack of freedom? Never! When the Limit is reached, there is no turning back, there is still no road and forward, this is what hurts, and here it is either Death, or the creation of new meanings, new roads, but never back in bondage!

The session was drawing to a close. The monotonous grayness of a cloudy day outside the office window began to dissolve in the sunlight that made its way through the clouds.

To infinity and beyond!

Sincerely yours