Jealousy: The Crux Of The Problem

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

When the mechanism of jealousy is launched, a person absolutely loses balance, the ability to think soberly, objectively assess the situation and be fair. Jealousy arises in response to some action, as a complex of emotions that denote a process inside a person that has been going on for a long time.

American psychologist, author of the book "The Psychology of Emotions" Carroll Izard writes about jealousy the following: “when we feel that we are deprived of the love and attention of a loved one, we understand that we have been deceived, rejected, we lose a sense of security, security and feel fear. Anger arises when attempts to maintain a position in a relationship with a loved one, to return his attention are fruitless. We can say that we are jealous when we realize that the loved one no longer belongs to us."

“It's only natural to have one or more jealousy conflicts during your life,” says French social psychologist Catherine Anthony. But you should be on your guard if fears about the infidelity of a loved one take the form of obsession: it becomes difficult to think about something else, in a fit of jealousy you are capable of inappropriate actions. In the most extreme cases, such conditions can threaten the integrity of the human psyche and even lead to murder or suicide.

How does jealousy arise and what is it based on?

Jealousy is rooted in our childhood. If you remember your whole life, your childhood, remember when a person felt jealous for the first time (jealousy of a pet, parents, toys, a kindergarten boy, brothers / sisters), then he will understand that he copied this reaction. Each child copies the actions of adults, tests, tastes, disassembles various objects. The child instantly absorbs information and immediately tries to repeat what he sees in adults.

Someone, when in childhood showed a person jealousy and showed it in such a way that this reaction was fixed in his mind, as true and legitimate.

What is jealousy based on, how does it get food for existence?

Jealousy, as a secondary reaction, always feeds on our fears, self-doubt, doubts and other negative attitudes that are based on childhood traumas.

Certain negative events took place with a person, to which he reacted in a certain way:

• when a person feels rejected or abandoned, when someone left him, the resentment arises “how was it that they left me, left me”;
• when a person feels humiliated in any circumstances, in this case, some masochistic reactions are developed;
• when there is a feeling of betrayal from one of the parents.

Typically, all of these injuries are related to our parents, simply because they are the first people we interact with.

We are faced with jealousy, which begins at a very young age, then by all the people around us, in connection with our culture, it confirms its right to exist, is fixed in our consciousness, occupies our mind, and as a result we develop a certain model of reaction.

Sometimes jealousy manifests itself as a projection onto a partner of his own desire to change. Sigmund Freud described in his work "On neurotic mechanisms in jealousy, paranoia and homosexuality": defending against his own desire for infidelity, a person “blames infidelity on the partner” - that is, transferring attention from his own unconscious to the unconscious of his partner.

In some cases, low self-esteem becomes the true cause of jealousy. A person is sure that he is not worthy of love, and betrayal (regardless of whether there was a precedent for betrayal or it is far-fetched) only confirms this.

“In this case, jealousy is caused by a narcissistic resentment that can significantly reduce self-esteem,” says Peter Kutter.- Hatred and a sense of revenge are only auxiliary means that help to withstand humiliation and regain lost self-esteem. The victory of an opponent opens a person's eyes to two circumstances: firstly, his love is not so priceless, and secondly, the object of love is lost. Jealousy, like a ruthless mirror, shows a person what he really is."

How to get rid of jealousy?

Losing love and feeling jealous is part of our life. The loss of a loved one often stimulates change and development. And the ability to live this state is one of the criteria for emotional maturity.

Jealousy cannot be cured, just as love cannot be cured. Jealousy should not be denied, but you can soften your reactions, make sure that it is not destructive for you.

There are several ways to deal with jealousy. Let's start with the methods that are not the most effective, but are the most common.

It is traditionally believed that the most effective way to get rid of jealousy is prohibition of performing those actions that cause outbursts of anger or other negative reactions in a person … But practice suggests that this method is not effective. When a person feels that his freedom is limited, he wants to break out of this "cage" as soon as possible, that is, to protect his freedom from such a relationship.

Another method is carefully avoid situations in which jealousy awakens … For example, if a girl knows that she doesn't like it when her boyfriend looks at other girls, she prefers to close her eyes to such situations. That is, the girl built a kind of wall between herself and her partner to avoid pain.

Methods that are used less often, but are more effective.

Rational approach, which consists in analyzing situations in which a person experiences jealousy. This helps to separate specific events and negative emotions that you experience on their basis. When we feel jealous, we are overwhelmed by a storm of emotions, we lose balance, clarity of thoughts. In this state, a person begins to mix everything, and his mind gives birth to something that does not exist in reality.

If jealousy arose from self-doubt, you should engage in bringing self-esteem into an adequate state, understand what your strengths are. It is enough to create an attitude for yourself: “no matter what I am, I am absolutely individual and have an undeniable set of wonderful qualities”.

Instead of thinking about the cause of jealousy or taking any action based on these feelings, you can to switch your attention to another matter (playing sports, dancing, starting a start-up, going on a journey, mastering something new, realizing a childhood dream). Changing activities allows you not to think about the reason for jealousy.

It is sometimes very effective talk to your partner, not to sort things out, not to try to forbid him something, but to tell about what you feel at these moments, what gives you pain, to consult with him as with a friend.

You can study the psychology of people and your own. This helps to understand what psychological processes occur with jealousy, to learn how to stop oneself at certain moments, to separate emotions and situations.