2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Jealousy and conflicts between siblings.
So why is there jealousy between children in the same family? In general, jealousy is a normal and healthy phenomenon. It arises from the fact that children love. If they are not capable of love, then they do not show jealousy.
How and when does jealousy arise? Jealousy and envy are very closely related. A child who is jealous of a newly arrived infant is jealous that he or she has the attention of the mother, and later of the father. Gradually, children grow up and jealousy arises about more complicated things.
We all know that the appearance of a brother or sister brings confusion to the life of an older child, who until now did not know a rival. Usually, when an elder shows aggression towards a newborn, they scold him, suppress him, try to softly or harshly prove that his behavior is selfish, ugly and not like adults.
But, according to one of the key figures in child psychoanalysis, Françoise Dolto, this is a gross mistake! Sometimes, when an older child, after a difficult period of whims, loss of appetite, ailments, often he may start peeing in bed or pants again, and this may look like a loss of interest in competition. But he can endure a newborn because only at this price he is not scolded. But jealousy, which does not manifest itself, only becomes deeper and deeper, making the child even more vulnerable for many years to even the slightest manifestation of inequality in the behavior of an adult. It can also lead to a distortion of the personality, and in the future it can manifest itself as a provocation of their surroundings to actions that arouse jealousy in them.
On the contrary, in order to prevent the jealousy of older children, it is necessary to allow the child to express all his annoyance at the fact that a rival has appeared and is growing. No need to scold him for this. You need to listen to his complaints and regret. In a few days, the newborn will be finally accepted, as the older child was allowed to express his suffering without taking away his self-respect.
If the youngest, growing up, shows jealousy for the elder, you can prevent the aggravation of this condition in the same way: allow this jealousy to be expressed, without trying to compensate for his suffering from the fact that he is not big with an expression of love or affection. It is necessary to listen to his complaints, saying that he is right, that it is difficult to endure manifestations of inequality and that you understand it.
But how to act when the rivalry has already been declared and the children are constantly quarreling? Never interfere in the defense of someone under the pretext that he is the smallest, weakest, that this is a girl and that it is a shame to attack her.
If a child complains about a more advantageous position of his sibling in any situation, do not try to deny this fact. You should not make excuses in front of children, assuring them of your impartiality and fairness. Whatever you do, they will never feel that you are treating them fairly. Conflicts due to jealousy between them will subside, come to naught, they will find how to overcome them. In the face of real difficulties, the child must find his own personal solution. Therefore, they need to be given to find a personal way to overcome the feelings of inferiority that have arisen because of their place in the family or some of their inability.
British pediatrician and child psychoanalyst Winnicott suggested three ways in which the continued development of a child can nullify jealousy:
1. The first way is what we observe when the child is in a state of acute conflict. A jealous child experiences love and hate at the same time, and this is a terrible feeling. With the advent of a new baby, he has extreme anger, in which he is for some time. Some part of him gets expression, the child screams, fights, makes a mess. In his imagination, the world is destroyed by anger, but survives and the maternal attitude towards him does not change. This means that in the imagination it is safe to destroy and hate - and with this encouraging discovery, the child is satisfied with a few screams and kicks.
Then jealousy is reduced to the experience of love, but love, complicated by ideas of destruction. During this period, we can observe sometimes a sad child.
Further Conflict Relief - In destructive fantasies, a dog / chair may be the thing that is being harmed (instead of a mother or baby). Along with the sadness comes some degree of concern for the infant, who was previously the object of jealousy. At this time, a sense of responsibility can be laid.
2. The second way in which jealousy comes to an end is through the child's growing ability to absorb the experience of gratification. He accumulates good memories of how well he is looked after, about pleasant sensations, about how he is bathed, fed, about a smile, for example. These representations can be summed up and are called the image of the mother or mother and father.
3. The third way is more difficult. It has to do with the child's ability to relive the experiences of others. It is easy to see how children identify with their mother. They play as if they are in her place. The ability to live in the imagination of someone else's experience greatly enriches, its internal development occurs, as a result of which jealousy disappears.
So, if we summarize the recommendations, then in conflicts between children:
1. I repeat, it is imperative that a jealous child be given the opportunity to show anger, jealousy and aggression, because at this time it is still reasonable and can be controlled. They themselves will safely go through this phase and come out of it.
2. You should not be a spy and you should not administer justice.
3. Take pity on the victim without judging the attacker, and encourage you to be better able to cope with difficulties for the future.
4. If damage is caused as a result of the fight, then make sure that all participants in the quarrel help to eliminate the damage.
5. Finally, if the fights get too loud, separate the participants, not out of punishment, but by inviting everyone to do something else.
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