Jealousy: Its Real And Imaginary Reasons, What To Do About It

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

JEALOUSY (encyclopedic explanation) - doubt about someone's loyalty, love. It can manifest itself in a very wide range of feelings - from light ironic teasing to outbursts of anger, hostile attitude, hatred up to cruel, vicious revenge and murder of a suspect in treason or its real motivator (lover, mistress, etc.). Jealousy can be one-sided - the husband is jealous of his wife, or vice versa, and mutual - bilateral. Jealousy is inherent in all people and can manifest itself in a conciliatory - benevolent way, even contribute to the strengthening of love, mutual attraction to each other. Jealousy furious, spiteful, cruel inevitably leads to the disorder of family and marriage relations and the relationship of sexual partners. For the emergence of jealousy, there can be both objective (false and real) and subjective reasons.

There is nothing more humiliating than making excuses for non-existent infidelity, repenting for sins that you did not commit. Jealousy as rivalry, as the fear of losing each other is still understandable, although undesirable. Jealousy as a disease, as selfishness, as the humiliation of a loved one by mistrust is shameful, unacceptable. You can and should get rid of such a feeling.

According to statistics, 28% of the men and 19% of women cited jealousy as the cause of family conflicts. But many people think that a woman is more jealous than a man. Isn't it natural for a woman to complain about her husband looking at other women? Isn’t a woman looking at her husband’s notebook to catch him red-handed, isn’t she giving him a scene just because a woman called him? Everything seems to be so. Yes, and female jealousy is manifested more often than male. Nevertheless, such statements are not entirely legitimate.

Studies by scientists at the University of Michigan, USA, indicate that both sexes are jealous for various reasons.

Men are more responsive to the physical side of the relationship than the emotional side. They are much more concerned with who the wife or girlfriend sleeps with than with whom she loves. A husband who is cheated on by his wife feels not only humiliated, disgraced, but also funny, pitiful both in the eyes of others and in his own. After all, the pitiful image of the "cuckold" has been the subject of ridicule since time immemorial. With this word, almost every man has a loss of his male honor. We can say that jealousy is a man's Achilles heel. A man, unlike a woman, is jealous of his beloved not only for the present (mostly fictional), but also for the past. This feeling is quite common among young couples.

Women react in completely opposite ways. They are more likely to experience emotional betrayal, a serious heart infatuation, than the usual "jump into someone else's bed." A woman who has been cheated on by her husband feels offended, offended, unhappy, but with all this she will not despise herself. Why? Because cheating on a husband does not traumatize a woman's psyche to the same extent as it does with a man.

Women's logic is as follows: the husband was seduced by a rival, but he is her father, not the rival, children, and, in the end, she found him again. Now he is full of remorse, tenderness and gratitude for her generosity, and he will still reward her for all that she has gone through. The woman calms herself something like this: "After all, my husband still returned to me, did not stay with that other woman. She was defeated, therefore, I am better …"

Often, jealousy leads to the murder of a partner. As D. A. Shestakov notes in his sociological research "Spousal murder as a public problem", men are more likely to commit crimes out of jealousy. Thus, 34% of the murders of the husbands were explained by the infidelity of their wives. In addition, 15% of murderers had reason to doubt their wife's behavior. Yes, sad statistics.

Scientists, psychologists and psychiatrists take the problem of jealousy very, very seriously.

There are several types of jealousy:

1. Healthy jealousy (household). The most important feature of this type of jealousy is that it makes a person suffer, but is given to him for his good. For it makes the individual to be better, to check their actions with the actions of other people, etc. Biologically healthy jealousy makes a person better than a competitor. A person begins to take care of himself, goes to the gym to improve his body, reads more so that there is something to talk about with his beloved, even goes to college or graduate school. This jealousy often gives a more vivid color to intimate relationships, leaving no room for routine and monotony in the bedroom.

2. Jealousy that goes beyond everyday life, the so-called painful, it is still easy to distinguish it from "normal" jealousy: ordinary jealousy enhances love, pathological jealousy complicates it. The person seems to say to himself, “I have no chance, why do something? I’ll lose him or her anyway, so in the end I’ll say or do everything that I didn’t finish during the years I lived together. And then this pours out on the spouse! … Often the other half is sincerely perplexed: but I was of a completely different opinion about her or about him, how could I have been mistaken for so many years? With this type of jealousy, the help of a psychologist or psychotherapist is already necessary, since there are still chances to return the world to a cracked house.

3. Pathological jealousy. The obsession is everywhere confirmed. And even the behavior of strangers, unfamiliar women or men constantly prompts one thought: here is mine (or mine) now the same …

Jealousy eats away at a person from the inside, gradually destroying him. This is a hidden emotion, which, if not allowed to go out, can cause a number of serious psychosomatic illnesses, such as hypertension, tension headaches, overweight, chronic fatigue syndrome, skin, endocrine diseases, etc. This problem is unlikely can decide on its own - the help of a specialist and often drug correction is required.

Of course, you cannot envy jealous people either. People who do not know how to overcome this feeling in themselves are usually unhappy. Moreover, they are doubly unhappy, because they are simultaneously tormentors and martyrs, and tyrants and slaves, they live in eternal anxiety. Creating an atmosphere of mistrust, constant suspicion of treason, they themselves suffocate in it. They are always ready to make a scandal for their spouse - at the slightest excuse and even without a reason, in private and in public. All this is reflected in their relationships with other people, throughout their life, and leads to painful mental trauma.

4. A kind of persecution mania: suspicions completely seize the mind, it is impossible to convince the patient. "The wife is fundamentally vicious, she is capable of any kind of debauchery." Why did she buy such a frivolous set of underwear; lost weight; tanned; put on makeup; put on a new dress, etc.? Often spouses, having not received an answer to the call on their mobile phone, build a painful sequence of events: they do not answer the phone, because they are with a woman; both see that I am calling, laugh at me, a naive wife; traitor, and I did so much for him! It is bad if a jealous person is active, not willing to sit and suffer alone. If he, guided by a far-fetched insult or humiliation (they laugh at me!), Begins to destroy everything that was built over the years of marriage, under the motto "I don't care anymore." It happens that a wife, in a fit of anger, calls her husband's friends or his superiors and, embellishing, puts the spouse in such a light that, unfortunately, he has to update both friends and work.

5. Manic jealousy is the worst kind of jealousy. The person is fine, but he becomes a detective. The husband overhears his wife's telephone conversations, conducts investigative experiments, repeating the wife's route to the market, to the store with a stopwatch … Or the wife, with a pencil in her hands, secretly writes down the readings of the car's speedometer, and then finds out where the extra 5 kilometers were spent, if not for another woman.

A person does not care what to be jealous of - past, present or future. He cannot forget that once his wife looked at another, was carried away by someone. He is ready to be jealous of his wife for an old man who is 40 years older than her, or for a young man who is 20 years younger, for his own brother, for a relative. Moreover, such a jealous person can come up with many non-existent evidence of treason and he himself will believe in them. In his mind, suspicions turn into real facts. It is useless to make excuses in front of such a jealous person. And here the main thing is not to get a jealous person under the "hot hand" - the consequences of such showdowns are very deplorable.

There is an opinion that jealousy is a kind of "shadow" of love: they say, being jealous means that he loves. However, jealousy has nothing to do with love: love is a positive feeling, and jealousy is a destructive feeling, causing harm, and not only to the object of jealousy, but sometimes to the jealous person himself.

At that moment, when a jealous person pounds his beloved wife, he does not feel any love - only an insane desire to hide his fear of losing power behind aggression. And in this endeavor it can go far enough. Therefore, you should be more careful with those women who like to artificially cause jealousy in their dear spouse - in order to add fresh impressions of their family life and show everyone how much her husband loves her.

In general, causing jealousy "from scratch" is also dangerous because some spouses, seeing the "feeling" of their half for the other (the other), grab not a knife or an ax, but a fountain pen: they write a declaration of divorce. Like, "the third one must leave" … And he will leave, and will not return. Because a truly self-confident person who truly respects his partner also respects his right to choose. Therefore, it is better not to test your loved ones "for strength", especially in such an inhumane way.

Psychologists distinguish between two types of jealousy: tyrannical jealousy and jealousy "from complexes." The first is usually inherent in people who are selfish, despotic, self-righteous, emotionally cold, incapable of disinterested love. For them, a spouse, in general a sexual partner, is only an object of pleasure. They do not know how to respect his personality, they seek to suppress, subjugate him entirely. One can hardly speak of love here. The partner treats his other half as a thing that he possesses. And if you are going to part with such a jealous person, expect a lot of trouble. Be prepared for the fact that your "ex" will begin to take revenge in the most sophisticated ways.

Jealousy "from complexes" is usually characteristic of people with an anxious and suspicious character, self-doubt, prone to exaggeration of dangers and troubles, suffering from a complex of their own inferiority. Their jealousy is manifested, perhaps, in milder forms, but its constant demonstration turns out to be the same intolerable poison for love, family happiness of both spouses. Often such people, even in childhood, were "disliked" by their mother - she did not want a child at all, she wanted a child of the opposite sex, he prevented her from arranging her personal life, etc. It is always difficult with such partners, they never have enough of your love, expression of feelings. They demand from you what you cannot give them - the love of a mother. Do not indulge yourself with the illusion that if you replace your partner's mother, love him with motherly love, take care of him like a mother, then nothing will threaten your relationship. Having received in you a "substitute" for mom, the husband will go to look for a woman for himself. You are not a mother, and no matter how hard you try, you will never become her for your husband. Because mom is one, the one who gave birth, and she is the best! And you are only the wife and mother of your children, and for them you are also the only and best mother in the world.

If you are jealous, try to figure out what kind of jealousy it is - controlled or completely unaffected by the arguments of reason, is it possible to do with logic, explanations of strangers or relatives.

If the spouse's suspicions have grown into a delirium of jealousy - when he does not need any evidence and it is impossible to convince him - it means that you urgently need to protect yourself, first of all, physically! And do not forget about children - they can also be in danger from a distraught spouse.

Leave for a while or forever?

Alas, most often it is safer to leave altogether, because your temporary absence will only fuel the jealous spouse's fury (even if he knows that you have been sitting out all this time with your mother or a friend). First of all - figure out what connects you with this person? Maybe you are pleased that he is jealous of you?

This, of course, is your right, but you can hardly stand it for long! Jealousy is always a destructive and dangerous feeling. Therefore, remember that living with a pathologically jealous spouse, you are sitting on a bomb with a lit fuse. And when this "bomb" will explode and for what reason - it is very difficult to predict, and sometimes even impossible.

But it's up to you to decide whether to live with such a husband further or leave, do not follow the hasty advice of a friend or an article in a magazine. Each case is purely individual, and the decision in this situation cannot be based on general recommendations. There are no general rules and recipes for who and how to live with. Take your time making such a serious and responsible decision - after all, the life of a whole group of people is at stake - yours, your spouse, children, your loved ones. If a partner understands the absurdity of his behavior, if he values you, his family so much that he is ready to seek help from a specialist, give him a chance - after all, once you chose him as your husband, gave birth to children with him. Has he alone changed so much? Maybe you are not taking your part of the responsibility on yourself? After all, partners are partners that divide the responsibility in half. Try, hand in hand, as before, and solve this problem together, as a couple.

And so that your beloved once again does not have doubts about your loyalty, try to create confidence that he is constantly aware of your affairs, and spend your free time with him as much as possible. Take care of your love and remember: "Jealousy is the sister of love, just as the devil is the brother of an angel." (S. Buffler).

Building harmonious family relationships is not easy and requires many emotional costs. Being a wife, a friend is not at all the same as being a daughter or a mother. And this must be distinguished.

The husband is not a father, behind whose back you can hide, he is a partner, equal in rights, but maybe a little more important, since he ensures the safety of the family, provides it with the material components necessary for life. And the husband is not at all a child who needs to be monitored, given instructions and checked every action with explanations and assessments.

A husband is a completely adult and independent person, a responsible person who can take care of himself, and at the same time about you and your children. And he has his own habits, features that need to be respected (unless, of course, you want to save your marriage). And you are not your husband's child, even if he is older. Don't let him constantly teach and control you. You too have grown up if you become a wife. Don't turn into a little, helpless girl, no matter how much you want to! If the need to be a child is so great, direct it in the right, adequate direction - to the father. It is on his chest that you can whine, be defenseless, small. And he will definitely regret and help. And when you again become an adult, independent, responsible woman - feel free to return to your beloved husband as a wife, as a partner, as a friend.

If, out of jealousy, you are not able to cope with yourself, if a call from a colleague makes your heartbeat and pain in your soul, think about who do you see in your husband? Is it not a father? He is the only one in the world who does not want to share with anyone, they want to own completely and individually. If the thought of life without this husband is impossible for you, then, most likely, this is not love for her husband, but a transfer of feelings.

With the help of a professional psychotherapist with a systemic outlook, you need to "separate" your significant men - father and husband. And then you can have a reliable rear behind your back - the only, best father in the world and just love your husband as a man, partner, father of your children. And this love will be wonderful, it will bring only positive moments into your happy family life. And if suddenly love passes, the fire that fed her those years that you lived together goes out, you can peacefully, painlessly part, in order to be open for a new meeting, new relationships, a new family.

After all, marriage is a freely chosen union, which, unfortunately, may not always be indestructible and unique. And only by maintaining respect for the previous relationship, respecting the pain of the partner, if he suffers, feeling gratitude to him for the years he has lived, despite what was in this relationship (after all, for some reason you have not parted before?), You will be able to build a harmonious an alliance based on love, respect, trust in each other.

If you are still together, despite periodic difficulties, disagreements, inconsistencies, then you should be congratulated! You have retained that feeling, that relationship with which your new life, your family, once began. And, most likely, you are both working on this relationship, deepening and developing it further. And maybe a little healthy jealousy played an important role here. Maybe it is precisely because of that jealousy of her husband's ex-girlfriend or his colleague, who does not take his admiring gaze from him at a corporate party, that you are still the same as when you stood with your beloved under the aisle, slender and well-groomed, perky and cheerful. And your spouse, who still remembers that tall guy with a huge bouquet of flowers at your entrance, is still gentle, correct and attentive with you. Only now there are three of you, or even already four, and two mischievous boys, like two peas in a pod similar to their happy father, indicate that the path traveled together, hand in hand, was not in vain. And there is still a whole life ahead, and what it will be in the future is also entirely up to you. From both of you. Love and respect each other, develop your relationships, value them, protect, protect and keep your union and be happy!