2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The traditional view of crisis in relationships is that this is bad, it is better to avoid them in every possible way. However, a crisis is an indispensable condition for transformations, and without transformations there is no development of the system. And without development, stagnation and decay sets in.
A crisis is when something that is outdated must go away and something new appears. Not the crises themselves are dangerous for the couple's life, but the inability to meet with them, avoidance of them, silence, attempts to ignore
In a crisis, of course, anxiety rises, fears of loss intensify, since the new carries a lot of unpredictability, and if there is not enough internal support, confidence and the ability to be in dialogue, to talk, then it is really difficult to go through a crisis.
All couples in one way or another go through the following phases and crises
The first process. Love
There is a natural and necessary idealization of the partner at this stage. Lovers show themselves and see the other only from the best sides of their personality. Everything unpleasant or inconvenient either does not appear in this phase, or is not noticed, or is deliberately cut off. The couple is full of the brightest hopes and prospects. Such idealization is needed in order to overcome the initial uncertainty in the relationship, and then the "mantra": "we are beautiful, and we will succeed" helps to overcome anxiety and dare to build relationships further.
Second process. Manifesting differences
The couple comes to a decision to build the future together. The decision “we are all, we are together” reduces the anxiety of uncertainty, relaxation occurs, there is no need to be ideal and try, and other sides of the personality begin to appear: normally selfish, naturally human, uncomfortable individual. This is how the first crisis begins.
Crisis: parting with illusions about ideality and meeting differences
In the stage of falling in love, similarities were important, they were so nurtured and reassured that the differences that appear for some couples are a serious shock. The severity of the crisis and the ability to overcome it largely depends on the couple's ability to experience and accept the otherness of the other. In the absence of such an ability, the couple can begin to strengthen their merging, cutting off another opinion, the desire of another or their own desire for the sake of our "we are together." Or, in another way, begin to eradicate differences: swearing, redoing, putting forward demands to each other. But the idea remains the same: to eradicate our two sometimes very different “I” for the sake of our “We”.
Exit from the crisis:
Returning to the past to the stage of idealization, refusing to manifest oneself for the sake of relationships, supporting the practice of manifesting oneself in a light convenient for the partner.
Break of relations with the phrases "I thought you … and you …!" or “That's what you are, it turns out!”, followed by long or short disappointment in all men (women) and relationships as such. There is pain and rage from shattered illusions.
Acceptance of differences, study of them, interest in them, cultivation of the ability to cope with their negative feelings: irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, which arise as a reaction to the manifestation of differences.
Third process. Manifestations of Expectations
At the beginning of a relationship, all expectations from a partner are built around the fact that, one way or another, we continue to be a couple. But as the couple becomes stable, expectations of each other increase. And this is the time of the next crisis.
The crisis of frustration of expectations
Unconscious and unmanifest expectations from the other lead to constant discontent, scandals, claims, to an implicit call “change for me” or more active “nothing, I'll change you”. Any healthy psyche reacts with resistance to any attempts to change the individuality forcibly, which causes the strongest frustration. It turns out that no one wants to change, to alter under the expectations of another.
Exit from the crisis:
Refusal of oneself for the sake of the expectations of another, return to the stage of merging idealization.
Constant scandals, quarrels, claims, threats, manipulations, ultimatums that can lead to a rupture.
Meeting expectations of each other, articulating them, acknowledging them, discussing and working out a way to deal with them. Perhaps, the couple will embody some of these expectations quite voluntarily, without any manipulative "alterations", and will refuse others due to the impossibility of fulfilling them. If the expectations are too important, but unfulfillable, then you can part without going to generalizations "all men (women) are like that" and already more consciously look for someone who will more coincide with your ideas and values regarding life as a couple.
Fourth process. Experiencing difficulties, troubles, losses
Almost no family can do without experiencing difficulties. Are born, or, conversely, are not born, children are sick, parents are aging, there are job changes (losses), periodic shortages of resources (effort, time, money), financial and other crises in the country. External difficulties can provoke a serious crisis.
Empathy crisis
Some families, in times of hardship, unite, unite, bring out the best qualities of all family members, and strengthen the community. The inability to deal with both one's own experiences and the feelings of another leads to mutual accusations, loneliness in difficulties, shifting of responsibility, resentment, intra-family splits, self-elimination and devaluation of the feelings and processes of the other person. This is hard for the parties, especially because in difficulties you are looking for support, support, empathy, sympathy and understanding. The crisis experienced often leads to breakups, divorces or serious grievances and claims, which are then remembered for a long time and poison the life.
Exit from the crisis:
The family, following the path of denial of problems, solving them by eliminating experiences, returns to the stage of idealization and fusion.
A family or couple that is able to empathize, support, hear, understand each other even in difficulties, is able to rally and strengthen, going through even the most difficult life circumstances.
These are just some of the main processes and crises. Passing each of them and remaining a couple or family, the spouses only strengthen the bond, and this happens without sacrifice on the part of each of the family members, that is, without losing the individual "I". A family stuck at the stage of fusion-idealization will sooner or later face a global crisis, since it is possible to live in a pair, having lost its “I” for a long time, only at some point the burning question “why?” Will arise.
What allows you to go through all family crises is awareness of the importance of your “I”, the importance of the “I” of our partner and the value for us of this relationship. To paraphrase Frankl a little: if you know “for what”, you can endure any “how”.
Irina Mlodik
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