Loss Of A Child

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

A short sketch from practice. Loss of a small child.

When a child dies, no matter what age, for a parent, no doubt, this is an endless ocean of mental pain. Sometimes there is an opportunity to prepare for this a little if the child was sick, and sometimes it happens suddenly, when a few minutes ago life was happy and full of hope. But, in any situation, the death of a child is a terrible and unnatural event, a family tragedy, as it disrupts the natural course of life.

In this sketch I would like to touch upon the first months after the loss, when the pain of the loss is still so great, as if there will be no end to it. Also, we will talk about very young deceased children, up to a year.

In my work, I often encounter distortion of the experience of grief. Those. of course a person has the right to grieve as much as he can, and all this is worthy of respect. But, nevertheless, there are some features that, instead of the so-called work of grief, build a wall of psychological defenses, the result of which can be reflected both on the bodily level and on the psycho-emotional.

First of all, I am talking here about the impossibility of allowing oneself to experience, the devaluation of the event, the desire to "live and think positively" as soon as possible, "to return to ordinary life as soon as possible."

Unfortunately, this will not work. Grief that has not been experienced will make itself felt - either in the form of some kind of illness, or in the form of inability to let go of the situation. This can be especially difficult for a child whose pregnancy occurred soon after the loss. I really hope that a long article about the "substitute child" will be published soon, so for now we will not dwell on this.

One point to talk about is the time frame of the experience. Do they exist at all? When will it get easier? Does time heal?

Alas, the lack of a culture of mourning in modern society makes the grieving one "pull himself together" as early as possible. If he may not be particularly "touched" in the first 2-3 months, then it is already expected that he will gradually return to his state before losing. 40 days have passed, well, another week, and then that's it, "keep yourself in control", "you already have children, take care of them", and if your age still allows, then "give birth to another baby."

And parents honestly try - they try to stay socially active, return to work faster, go on vacation, plan another child. Only for some reason there are serious and even obsessive fears about the life and health of their own or their children, sometimes turning to the level of panic attacks. The inability to let the children go for a walk, even if they are already big, or the imagination inevitably draws colorful scenes of death or injury if the child (even an adult) does not answer the phone call more than 2-3 times.

A believer may find with horror that he is angry with God, that he is offended at Him and the circumstances, and at those who were in one way or another near at the time of the child's death. It is impossible to remember a deceased child without pain, so they try not to think about him at all, or, on the contrary, they think only about him, forgetting about minimal self-care.

Also, it is an ongoing feeling of guilt that you did or did not do something that led to a sad event. It slowly but surely eats away from the inside, "inhibiting" other important experiences, overshadowing everything by itself, leading to the development of the so-called pathological grief, when after years the pain of loss is just as acute.

Time really heals, but not by the very fact of its passing, but by the fact that only after a time, when nothing interferes with the work of grief, relief is possible. You shouldn't expect to get better after 40 days, or after 3-6 months, just because that time has passed.

It is important to allow yourself to feel everything that comes. And a believer should understand that his faith can also undergo a serious test, a reassessment. It is only after a while that it will turn out to look at the situation differently, but now being angry or offended by the circumstances and God is only some necessary part of this path. And then, how not to be angry if the death of a child is abnormal, terrible and meaningless. "For what?" There are no answers to this. But definitely not for the "sins of the fathers", there is no explanation here. This is a monstrous set of circumstances.

The feeling of guilt is that feeling that, probably, cannot be fully experienced, it will remain in some volume forever, but, nevertheless, it can be a little alleviated if we divide objectively real guilt and what is to you in general has nothing to do. It is impossible to bear the entire burden of responsibility for the loss. And besides, it is impossible to control everything, to spread straws everywhere too. Sometimes the life of another person does not depend on our efforts or skills, but on a fatal coincidence of circumstances - something like a drunk driver or a broken road.

If you allow all the feelings to be, then this acute pain gradually subsides, leaving behind a quiet acceptance of the event, resignation to it, a bright memory of the child, perhaps a reassessment of values, the acquisition of meaning in suffering. For a believer, it is also the realization that there will be no separation, that, ultimately, parents and their child will be reunited in due time.

But for this, time must pass. Phenomenologically, this is the first anniversary, sometimes a little longer - when all these feelings have every right to be, it is important to allow themselves, to mourn them in full, and to the relatives of the grieving person - not to demand or not expect a quick return from him. The road will be mastered by the walking one.