Loss Of An Adult Child

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

This article appeared as an answer to the question of a grieving mother who lost her child a little over a year ago - "how not to go crazy?" Losing a child at any age is a great tragedy for a parent, for a mother. Especially when it is already big, when there is a feeling of stability in life - after all, there are no longer those troubles that are around small children, and the difficult adolescence is also behind us. An adult child already has a life of his own - perhaps he already has a family or a loved one, some career steps, some kind of success in something. We have already lived a lot together, there were many hopes and expectations, the feeling of a huge wonderful life ahead … and it all ends overnight.

How to survive this and not go crazy? Unfortunately, there are no general guidelines here, but let me express some suggestions that you might find useful.

1. Science defines the stages of grief by assuming that after the first anniversary, the pain of loss begins to diminish. This is just one of those concepts that “time heals”. It is assumed that in the case of a difficult experience after the anniversary, we can talk about the development of pathological grief, when not only support from loved ones is needed, but also special (psychological, medication, and therapeutic).

My personal opinion is that here it is important to focus not on the time period, but on the state of the person. The work of grief is a very individual process, I call it “my well of pain that needs to be dredged to the bottom”, sometimes it takes more than a year and longer, without turning into a pathological process. However, here are the conditions that should alert, and which require mandatory monitoring by a specialist, especially if there is a tendency to "freeze" feelings:

- emerging health problems, especially from the cardiovascular system, stomach, intestines, respiratory system;

- constant thoughts, as if obsessive, memories of the details of the death of the child, about the days around this event; nightmares, fears that have appeared; difficulty concentrating, complaints of poor memory; immersion in prolonged dream-like states, when in fantasies it seems that everything is the same;

- symptoms of clinical depression, it is possible to assume its presence by passing the Beck test. You can find an online version of the test on the Internet.

- avoidance of communication, breaking off contacts, striving for loneliness, dismissal from work, excessive use of alcohol and / or sedatives (without the supervision of a supervising doctor), thoughts of desirability about one's own death;

- there is a feeling that the return to the "previous life", when different colors of life appear again, is experienced as a betrayal of the deceased, because "how can I rejoice and live on when he is no longer there?"

If there is a feeling that something of the above is there, or there is something else that is alarming, then it is very important not to postpone a visit to a doctor - a psychiatrist or a psychotherapist.

Psychological support also remains relevant, but in this case we are talking about combining with medication support, which can only be provided by a doctor.

2. When a loved one, a child, dies, that is, the feeling that not a single person in the whole world is able to understand how painful it is. It seems that other people experience easier, recover faster, and their own experience is bottomless. Yes, of course, the experience of each person is unique, each has its own "well of pain". Recently, however, support groups have begun to appear, where people and parents who have lost their children meet. It is difficult to overestimate this experience! The opportunity to share in a safe environment with understanding people, cry, see how others have it, support someone, perhaps hug - those steps that protect you from a possible "fall into madness" of solitary experience.

3. Sometimes help is rendered healing to other people in some consonant area. Often, parents who have lost a child organize themselves or help foundations in their power to help with such losses - diseases, injuries, accidents. You can also help in your immediate specialty, if it is useful for business, both financially, and as any volunteer activity, to which the soul lies - in a social network, on the phone, communicating live with people who are useful for the cause, establishing connections and contacts, and other stuff. Unfortunately, you cannot return your child, but his bright memory can help prevent someone's tragedy, in some cases it turns out to be a healing opportunity to find a new meaning.

4. For a believing Orthodox person, the consolation is prayer for his deceased child, and the belief that in that terrible hour only physical death occurred, which opened the way to eternal life. I apologize for the possible pathos of these words, a very difficult topic.

It is necessary to be merciful to yourself, even if there is resentment and anger at God, the feeling that He left, turned away, allowed. All these experiences are part of the "personal well of pain", which also need to be experienced in order to open up a place for new meanings, a new path of your spiritual path. During this difficult time, talking with an understanding priest who will not do with routine phrases can provide serious spiritual support.

You can read useful literature in print or electronic version:

- reflections of Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh on prayer for the deceased, - Frederica de Graf "There Will Be No Parting"

- V. Volkan, E. Zintl: “Life after loss. The Psychology of Mourning"