2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
28 days from the date of death … I can't help but write … Thank you for your interest, reading, comments.
Grief.
So hard and multifaceted. How interesting it turns out to be! Yes Yes! This is not cynicism, this is the reality of the human soul. It turns out that it can be harder to come to terms with the inevitability of loss while the loved one is still alive. He is alive, I can see his eyes … But he looks differently, he is different and this is irreversible. I see dad, but I can also see him leaving. I greedily catch his every look, every breath. And it is both joyful and painful at the same time from the fact that I see these eyes … Because soon they will close to this world. Because the look has already gone out.
It makes no sense.
Everything is meaningless without you … I ran home from school, knowing how proud you would be of my successes, how you would sympathize with my failures. You never scolded me! NEVER!!! What a happiness it was to live with you !!! Only you alone could understand me in everything, absolutely everything that I did. And now … what will happen to me now ??? Emptiness, meaninglessness of everything that happens around. Why try ?! Why strive for something ?! Why live?! I want to help you, heal, relieve suffering, prolong life. I have already succeeded a little, I detained you for 2 months. Two painful and happy months. I have lived my whole life in these 60 days !!! What a joy it was to tell you that I missed you !!!!
Irrevocably.
It's over. I do not believe, but the realization still comes. Do not return. Never. Not in a week, not in a month, not in a year. Irrevocable. Forever and ever. I cannot call you, I cannot hug you, feel your scent, warmth, support and love. And so it will always be now. For the rest of my life. I can not do anything. I am powerless.
Malice.
Not anger, but anger, malice !!! For peace, for life, for the living … For EVERYTHING. And most of all on my powerlessness! I am not able to change anything, to influence anything … They say it is hard to lose children … I can give birth. And more than once. I can adopt. And can I give birth to a dad ??? !!!!!!!!!! NO!!! Neither husband, nor brother, nor other men will NEVER replace this warm world full of love. I lost my dad. I lost the whole world. I hate it all. I hate that this is forever. I hate myself because I am powerless. I hate … dad … for leaving me. For thinking that I could do without him. For believing in me, in my strength, my mind, my fortitude. If I didn’t believe, I wouldn’t leave. He would choose life. I hate for being gone forever, for not coming back. I hate that I love him so much. For this pain, loss, emptiness and longing … …
Yearning. Love. Sadness. Adoption.
But more on that later … When will there be a resource …
Anger is one of the most "terrible" feelings. "Honor your father and mother", "they don't talk badly about the dead." Etc. It is not accepted to be angry. It is shameful, scary and "sinful" to be angry. Remember, honor, miss - yes, we can.
And I want to write about anger. There is a lot of it. She is. I have a right to it. She is NATURAL. It helps to overcome grief! Anger heals. Anger brings me back to myself, to reality, to my boundaries and needs. It even gives strength.
I don’t blame. This is not betrayal or blasphemy. I loved my father too much not to be angry at his death !!! And I know I’m advancing because of anger. Only after being angry can I accept his choice. The choice is not to live, not to be with me.
I choose honesty, reality, truth.
Recommended:
I Hate You, But Don't Leave Me
Langle Lecture Notes on Borderline Personality Disorder. The lecture itself is here: www.laengle.info/index.php Borderline personality disorder from an existential-phenomenological perspective. If we focus Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) to one point, then we can say that this is a person who suffers from the instability of his inner impulses and feelings.
Danger Of Leaving Your Comfort Zone And Is It Worth Leaving It
First, let's figure out what a comfort zone is. This is not only a beautiful fashionable phrase and the presence of hot water in the apartment, it is also a pleasant environment, life in safety, an inner state of stability and peace - more valuable resources that feed the psyche and body.
A Story About Dad. Stories To Help You Cope With Loss
-What's the matter with you, dear? " - asked grandmother Lida. -Scary, granny. Sometimes I can’t sleep,”I replied with a sigh and felt my throat tighten in spasms, as if someone were squeezing it with strong hands. - Why? - Grandmother raised an eyebrow inquiringly, sitting down at the table opposite me, - Who scared you?
Dad, When Can You Play With Me?
My daughter quietly sneaks into my room and asks this question: "Dad, when can you play with me?" She knows that I work from home and therefore tries to be respectful to it. This approach touches me deeply. Zhenya needs this joint game, this is how our communication takes on one of its forms.
The Stranglehold Of Codependency. I Hate You, Just Don't Leave Me
I see codependent relationships very often in the process of working with clients. It's not about alcohol addiction, but about violated boundaries. When the boundaries are erased or, conversely, too impenetrable, the soil is created for explicit or latent conflicts in the pair.
