RELATIONSHIP RELATIONSHIP. IS THERE AN OUTPUT?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I was cold and lonely in rainy and not very welcoming autumn Moscow. I was completely lost and did not know where to go and what to do next. I wanted so much warmth, closeness, understanding and acceptance. I thought I could find all this in a relationship with a man. But, I had to face a painful reality, when the dreams of youth about a happy life, like in a fairy tale, princes were almost destroyed. However, against the background of anxiety and disappointment, somewhere deep inside there was still a glimmer of hope for a new meeting.

And then one day, perhaps, I can say this even without irony - he wrote to me in one social network! And even presented a virtual rose, can you imagine! Little did I know then that this was the beginning of the most painful codependent relationship over a distance of three years. Then I had no idea that, having entered them, I would never be the same again.

"Native", as he called me. And that was the hook that I fell for. And also, as she later analyzed, he was outwardly very similar to dad and was also distant, inaccessible. This made him even more attractive in my fantasies. He saw me, noticed me, drew attention and talks heart to heart, calls me dear. And he said that now he will take care of me. And, indeed, he cared as much as possible on the Internet. But that was enough for me to melt. We corresponded every day. And at work in the morning I waited for his messages and at lunchtime. How did you sleep, what did you eat, what are you doing? And in the evenings the most interesting began! He sent me sms and invited me to an evening communication session. We corresponded for hours about everything, about movies, music, relationships, feelings, about food, snacks, about life. Throwing tons of emoticons and even kisses at each other. And in these moments I felt our unity and complete merger. It was a thrill and happiness. We were in touch all the time.

Everything sang inside - I was needed! Such a man drew attention to me! Well, almost God - that is, I put him on a pedestal. From his name alone, the heart began to pound wildly.

I knew that he was married and had a son, but the relationship with his wife was strange. At first, this did not bother me much, because it was just communication at a distance without any intimacy, and intimacy was simply impossible. But I still wonder how much a relationship can hurt even without sex. He crawled into my soul, filled my whole world and my thoughts, swallowed it up like an octopus, and I was only glad of that.

Everything was fine while he wrote to me every day, but there were days when he disappeared … And I was faced with emptiness inside and the feeling that I was abandoned and if he does not write and does not tell me, hello, dear, I will die. I cannot live in this world without him. It’s like I’m not on my own.

I lived with thoughts only about him and constantly conducted endless dialogues with him in my head.

He was my virtual man, my island of warmth and acceptance. And I didn't want to part with it at all.

I'll tell you how it was. The guys with whom we rented an apartment together laughed at our relationship and, perhaps, on the sly, quite rightly twisted a finger at his temple. They could see from the outside that I live in a virtual world and relationships. My friends advised me to break up with him, that I did not need him and ruined my life, but I could not. I was sure that they simply do not understand anything, what kind of relationship we have, that this is true love and intimacy. Now, looking back at those years of my life, I understand what kind of emotional hell I lived in. I'll try to paint the big picture.

His only word Native - led me into delight and awe. I reacted to this word like the Roquefort mouse from the cartoon Chip and Dale to cheese. I went crazy with anxiety if he did not write to me. As if life stopped and nothing else interested. And then I felt that I was not needed at all and that it was impossible to survive. It was as if I was being unplugged and deprived of strength.

I was a constant waiter. I was waiting for his messages, and when I received it, I rejoiced as if God himself descended from heaven and turned his gaze on me.

I felt truly alive only with him, and without him I was dying. It actually seemed to me that I would just die if he was not in my life.

I believed that there was no one more beautiful than men and that I would never meet anyone better than him. Exalted him to the skies. I did not see the reality of what was happening, did not notice other men. I only had him - the most "dear and only" man. Others don't even hold a candle to him. My focus has always been on whether he wrote and what. If there was something good - I flew, if he was in a bad mood - I was sad, blamed myself for being bad for him. The whole world has narrowed down to treating me with just one person.

I played along to make him like it. I held back my emotions. Supported those topics of conversation that are interesting to him, so that he does not leave my life.

I podd, agreed, passed on myself and my desires, just not to lose touch with this "God", because if he leaves I will not survive, and if I survive there will be no other man in my life.

I began to live with his ideas, thoughts, dreams, and even his past, dissolving in him and completely losing myself.

The stories about my "ideal" ex were blowing my mind. He talked a lot about his love, youth and that he regrets that they did not succeed. I calmed him down and burned with a passionate desire to prove that I was even better than the one from the past, and someday he would see and understand it. The thought that he was somewhere without me and communicating with someone drove crazy. How dare he give his energy, share his life with someone other than me! I idealized him, said how successful, handsome, a man in his prime and not fat at all, and in general I love men with tummy. I tried to praise him.

When he had big problems in business, I seriously thought to sell my odnushka in Minsk to help him and he appreciated how cool I am and our connection became even stronger. Thank God it didn't come to that!

I didn't want to see the other side of him, that a man, in fact, deceives his wife, spending so much virtual time with me. She justified him when she returned from Moscow to Minsk, where he lived. It turned out that he was in no hurry to meet with me and suddenly became infinitely busy for me. I was quietly angry with him for all this, but I didn't say anything to him. But inside was seething. How did it happen? I arrived, ready to give him everything, but he does not want to see his "dear".

No time or desire? We were so close at the soul level. So it seemed to me sincerely. And I suppressed my anger deep inside, perhaps, I myself did not realize it.

Once, I saw his comment to another woman, there were words - I miss you and that same virtual rose. Cold sweat poured over me!

I didn't say anything to him, I swallowed it and somehow rationalized it for myself. Thought - does he really have a few like I seemed so cruel and intolerable that I hid it behind seven locks in the secret room of my subconscious.

And still she continued to live with the hope that he would someday understand how beautiful, dear, extraordinary I am, the same one and, in the end, we will be together.

There was simply no option that we would part ways, it seemed to me that our relationship was forever. This is something special and no one can understand it.

It was as if I was not by myself, I only came to life, reflected in him, as in a mirror. I didn’t need myself and felt needed only when he looked at me and when he needed me. And in our relationship there was no place for anyone else.

Somewhere deep inside, I vaguely guessed that our relationship was leading to the abyss. They will not end in anything good, and we must part. But desperately clung to them and continued to plunge into this soul-exhausting suffering.

And all because to be left without even a drop of this perverted love was like dying.

I lived in such a nightmarish illusion for three whole years, until the X-hour came. As you can imagine, this relationship is long gone.

What brought me to my senses, you ask? What made me see, wake up and end this sick relationship?

Life itself decreed it. I believe that someone is caringly leading and helping us through life so that we learn our important lessons. Circumstances developed in such a way that I returned to my hometown and gradually began to see clearly, to see reality as it is.

I was sure that the distance between the cities was a hindrance to our complete happiness. It’s just that he didn’t know me well enough. And here I am, and he is in no hurry to meet with me. On the contrary, communication has become more rare. I was at a loss and growing anxiety.

Perhaps from the outside it seems ridiculous, but after three years of such communication, the thought came to me - that our relationship is not normal, although others from the outside said it directly to my face.

Rather, this thought came to me before, but I diligently avoided it. I began to observe myself and my reactions to his messages.

And I realized that this is something really unhealthy. After all, communication with him sometimes raises me to heaven, then I fall like a wounded bird and feel like no one needed, flawed and crushed. As if the remote control for me and my emotions was in his hands and, the worst thing, I handed it to him myself.

And then he disappeared for a week, I went crazy, where is he? Soon a message came - "Hello dear, I was with my wife in Paris and I was very bored." And … I got hysterical. I could not calm down for a long time.

After some time, he wrote that he thought a lot about us and realized that we would not succeed, let's remain friends.

And then I got so angry with him. The lid was torn off completely. Everything that had been accumulating for 3 years came up to me. I remember walking through the woods, sobbing and telling him out loud - who are you to treat me like that, fool my head, deceive my wife.

Who are you to influence me, my life? Who are you to call me dear? I'm not fucking dear to you. Fuck you! This was followed several times by multi-storey mats. I even started to spit, I wanted to vomit him out of myself without a trace.

I gave vent to my feelings. In my head, like a flash, new questions and answers arose with lightning speed.

Why am I attached to him like a dog? Why did I put my life in his hands? Why do I expect from him what he does not give and can never give?

If a person has love for himself inside, then he will not chase and beg for it from others until he loses his pulse. Why am I doing all this?

After that, a new central idea came to me in a flash - I will no longer give you the power to rule my life! I take it for myself. I regain my strength, which I gave to a stranger! And you know, I felt so much better!

Immediately after that, I changed my phone number, retired from our general social networks. It was difficult, I still missed, and out of habit I waited for messages from him. I checked my phone a hundred times a day. Then she remembered that she had changed the number.

After some time, she felt freedom, began to meet with her friends and even sometimes laugh. And after a while she was looking at other men with interest. However, she continued to yearn for him, comparing everyone else to him.

Having already severed our connection, realizing that I still think about him and cannot forget, I decided to read what they write on this topic on the Internet.

And she plunged into the study of codependent relationships. I was endlessly surprised that my story is not at all unique!

Many people, regardless of gender, go through this in different variations. And often all their lives they cannot get out of this swamp.

I liked one very accurate image. Codependents are like two twins who cannot fully live and develop together.

To do this, they must be severed surgically. And there is only one way out - it will be very painful and there will be a lot of blood, but there is no other way. This must be experienced. Otherwise, both will die.

The roots of this relationship are laid in infancy, until about 6 months, when mom and baby are essentially one creature. It feels like one body and one psyche for two. It’s warm with mom, cozy, safe, nourishing, like in paradise, but if mom’s not around for a long time, it’s equal to death.

If the baby feels that mom and everything that she should give is not enough, then he is seized by anxiety and fear of death.

The child of such a mother watches her and catches her every look, wanting to be in close contact, to get all the basic needs and, by and large, just to survive.

But if mother's love, care, hugs, food, warmth are not enough, then the basis of codependent behavior is formed.

In adulthood, this turns into a quest for unconditional love. It's a longing for something that was rightfully ours, but not fully received in our early relationship with Mom. Longing for unconditional love and acceptance.

Mom is perceived as a deity, an integral part of me, on which my life depends. In the future, this is projected onto the man and, therefore, it seems that it is so good with him, but without him it is simply death. He (this deity = mother) drew attention to me!

It is experienced as I do not exist without the other. No limits. There is no support, a sense of satiety, that mom, her warmth, unconditional love, food, acceptance is enough. After all, this is the basic need of every person. And if something is not enough, then there is a compensatory desire to make up for the lack.

So we begin to stick to other people in the hope of getting what was lost.

By the way, women often say that they are looking for true unconditional love, so that we are as one whole, looking for their halves, soulmate, to merge in heavenly ecstasy.

They strive to feel with a man the happiness of unity, merging, where there are no boundaries, me or him. Where we are one and do everything together. As in that song it is sung - "I am you, you are me and we do not need anyone."

Alas, I probably will have to upset some, because the search for such unconditional love and the expectation of it from a man will most likely turn into disappointment.

This is impossible due to the fact that the love of adults is conditional, and the desire for unconditional love is a longing for the very love of a mother that she feels for her child.

An adult mature man is not able to experience it and give it to his beloved woman. He loves with another love, not a mother's.

Women who dream of unconditional ideal love, who find themselves in a codependent relationship, constantly have an internal state of insufficiency, emptiness and a black hole that cannot be filled with anything.

Their self-esteem is underestimated, and it is only necessary for some more or less decent man to pay attention to her, to caress her, to pity her, to show care, then everything, she is ready to love him, to serve, to be like a devoted dog on a leash, to endure bullying for a small handout. true love.

The self-esteem of women who have been given enough love is radically different from the former. They choose the best men themselves, it is impossible to make them their slaves, to make them sacrifice, to endure humiliation.

They know what they want in life, what they deserve, they are confident in themselves, they cannot be divorced for pity, and everything is going well and wonderful for them. Because they are initially loved and know their right to happiness.

Unfortunately, I am of the first type and I had to go a long way to get out of a destructive codependent relationship.

What has helped me and can help you begin healing and get out of this relationship?

Firstly, I realized that this relationship was unhealthy and could not continue this way. I realized that my so-called "love" for this man was an endless longing for maternal warmth, paternal care and an attempt to find this state again through a relationship with him.

Secondly, I was very angry with him, showed real aggression, pushed him away from me and it became much easier for me. All because inside there was a lot of suppressed anger accumulated towards him. After all, all these years I have been adjusting to him, swallowing resentment only to maintain the illusion that we are together and he did not leave me.

You can only separate from what is already enough and I have already had more than enough! I was fed up with this toxic relationship.

Separation is possible only through true aggression coming from every cell of your being. You can't do that with me. Why am I torturing myself like that? I am! I am human! I want to be happy, not suffer.

Thirdly, I had to admit that I was powerless to influence him, make him love himself and change the situation. He was married, and he only needed me as an online friend. I finally saw reality, not my illusions.

Fourth, when I broke up with him, I suddenly felt such relief! I realized that without him I can finally breathe freely and I have not died! I saw that there are many other good, free men. I realized that I deserve more than a long-term exhausting soul and taking away my precious time Internet communication with a married man.

Fifth, I began to learn to listen to myself, my desires, feelings and learn to love myself. To be needed first of all by yourself. She stopped lying to herself and betraying herself. She began studying psychology and working with a psychotherapist.

Many years have passed since then and this has never happened in my life. And now I want to say - thank you, a man from my past!

You were one of my most important teachers. Thank you for teaching me to love myself for real! I freed myself from these shackles and became free.

Getting out of a codependent relationship is not an easy process and it is healed mainly by long-term psychotherapy. Short-term methods, techniques, trainings, marathons, magic pills and advice from the series "do it this way" are powerless here.

In a relationship with a psychologist / psychotherapist, the lost trust in the world, people, men who caused a lot of pain is replenished, self-esteem grows, wounds from numerous childhood traumas heal, self-love, self-reliance appears, and, most importantly, the internal state changes dramatically.

And already from this new inner state, self-love and sufficiency, you can definitely meet a new partner, build healthy relationships and enjoy life.

Psychologist Irina Stetsenko