Dealing With Depreciating And Criticizing Clients

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Despite the fact that criticism and devaluation may be based on the same reasons, at the end they take on a variety of forms, depending on the structure of the psyche, the client's life situation and a number of other reasons. In this case, I list them in random order, allowing for a variety of terminology, as well as the fact that some mechanisms may cause others.

First of all, this is a pair of idealization-devaluation of the Other, relations with the Other, criticism of Others, as well as criticism and devaluation of one's own life. All these are defense mechanisms, interrelated processes, I will try to describe them.

The natural mechanism for comparing oneself and the Other, in the presence of a super-idea of obligation, inspired by significant figures "I must, I must do, achieve …" also, envy of other figures with whom a person compares himself, whose life is better, turned out to be more valuable. And, in fact, reflective clients also have envy of those who are able not to depreciate.

Among the mechanisms - and the feeling of guilt (I am guilty, so I must get better). The theme of power, which generates an inferiority complex, and, of course, the theme of narcissism are also heard here.

The client can devalue not only his own life, but also others (or, at the beginning of therapy, only others). Criticism directed at others is the reverse side of criticism of oneself according to the projective mechanism. The attitude of obligation looks the same (They should - I should, but only to get rid of the feeling of guilt, only they should, and I should not, which again generates a feeling of guilt.) Thus, devaluation and criticism of oneself and others is closely intertwined with fault.

By devaluing relationships with others, the client devalues himself. It can build superficial relationships “don't give a damn - this one will go away, the new one will be”, behind this there is - the Other is not a value, and, accordingly, I am not a value either.

This can be a masochistic practice - with the help of devaluation, the client can punish himself, in the way that significant others punished him or could (in his fantasies). Otto Kernberg et al. Point out that the more infantile the client is, the more inclined he is to search for an ideal object, which is the bearer of a certain function that would satisfy the desiring omnipotence of the client. The stronger the deficit in early relationships, the weaker the observing part of the ego, the more emotional this search process. In relation to caring figures, a process of idealization would have to occur, then normal disappointment (de-idealization) and, finally, the establishment of the constancy of the object - the image of a significant adult, such as it is with its merits and demerits (according to Margrethe Mahler). But since the significant figures were immature, the child developed an insecure attachment, without relying on his parents, trying to unconsciously protect and save them, at the same time worrying and trying to control the situation, fantasizing that he would not survive in this world. The adult immature client continues to look for an object that could reflect him, with which to merge. And if there is an experience that such an object does not exist, is absent or is not appropriated, then the person endlessly changes one enthusiastic and then devaluating relationship to the next codependent relationship, looking for a new "perfection".

We can also meet the devaluation of our own pain, our own experiences - "I did not suffer", "I do not hurt." Laughter, humor can also be the result of devaluation.

Work strategies:

At the beginning of the work, it is important that the therapist believes in the client's value and demonstrates this fact to him in various ways - verbal and non-verbal. It is important to show that the customer has value no matter what choices they make. It is important for the therapist to show that he is interested in the client.

Also - to make it clear that any client's experiences are valuable to you, even if he devalues them himself, tries to listen to advice ("never mind") and says, for example - "Because of this, normal people do not worry, but I worry." … The client can also take respect for his experience and sympathy for pity and begin to deny it, not wanting to be pitied, and this will mean that this may be his mechanism for perceiving the attitude of other people.

The client can experience a relationship with the therapist through persistent depreciation and self-criticism - “I am like this, I cannot be different - my life was wasted. I am worthless and ser. I'm bad. You can't even imagine how bad I am. I'm worse than you think."

Devaluation and self-criticism can be a specific challenge for the therapist to agree with this criticism, in which case one can take different paths, depending on what the client's story is, using both support and challenge (frustration); give support, respect and, despite the devaluation, demonstrate a positive attitude. The client can go on and on to assert his worth and worthlessness, checking how strong you will be in your respect for him, contrary to what he says.

On the other hand, when the basic relationship is established, knowing that the client is firmly on his feet, you can provoke, confront the depreciating part, agreeing with him - "Yes, you say that you have not done anything in life, it turns out that this is so …" But he should feel that even when the therapist says so, he is on his side. Without this base, the client, acting out the depreciation and criticizing himself, will not be able to cope with the emerging anxiety.

Devaluation for the client can be defined as resistance. When the client is ready for this - inform the client about what he is devaluing. This should be done very carefully, since depreciation is a defense mechanism and a natural new round of resistance can be encountered.

On the other hand, at the beginning of therapy, there may be a completely different picture - the client amazes with the grandeur, accuses and reproaches others that they are imperfect, and one can expect that this exaltation-devaluation of oneself and (or) others will swing like a pendulum throughout therapy.

Devaluation of the therapist as a significant figure is one of the mechanisms of devaluation of the client

Boundaries are very important because the client (after an enthusiastic period with the therapist) may subsequently begin to devalue the therapist as a result of the projection and the narcissistic swinging pendulum between grandiosity and inferiority complexes and their own insignificance. And this is all the more likely if a significant figure in the client's childhood devalued him. It can also be acting out of the client's unconscious envy, which is accompanied by aggression and anger.

With clients with whom it is already possible to work with the transference, it is important to discuss this while remaining in a point of calm presence. However, it is important to express your feelings and react to the client's depreciation in a natural way, to show that the therapist is upset with such an attitude towards himself, even if the reasons are clear to him.

From the point of view of psychoanalytic concepts (Otto Kernberg et al.) It looks similar. The client tries with great force to make the therapist as good as the client needs in order to continue to feel omnipotent (but often not better than the client himself in order to maintain self-esteem). It is important for the therapist to understand how the client uses these glamor-disappointment and depreciation reactions to control him - the therapist. It is important to clarify such reactions and help the client cope with the frustration. His realistic exploration helps one to become aware of the excessive demands and conflicts with others that are generated by frustration. Judgment-free assessment can go a long way towards helping a client understand how he is destroying his life, what gets in the way of his interactions with others.

It is important, with the general support of external events and achievements, to pay the client's attention not only to the external eventfulness of his own life, if he begins to devalue it as a whole (did not do, did not commit, did not finish, was lazy and unable to work, could not), but also to an inner life, which can be filled with realizations that, against the background of external events and comparisons with the achievements of others, may seem less valuable to the client.

With clients who devalue their own lives and achievements, it is important to work on appropriating choices. In this case, it is easier for a person to feel where he, being himself, based on his own desires or unwillingness, made a conscious choice, and when he obeyed the will of others and went with the flow, since such a "picture" is often present in clients who devalue their lives.

Since the mechanism of depreciation (the reverse side of evaluation) is to some extent a product of individualistic culture, a product of the race for the achievements of the modern world, a gift from reflective and logical thinking, and the "so-called I", contact with other cultures and traditional practices is useful for the client, where the subject is "diffused" in nature, connected with other subjects like him, by natural ties, where there is no place for opposition, or it is not so clearly manifested. Such experiences can be useful for comparison, for awareness of egocentrism, however, one should be careful, as clients can rationalize these ideas and, for example, the practice of meditation as an exit from their culture to another. Unresolved neurotic problems (including depreciation) can be repressed, and manifest themselves somewhat modified (for example, the pursuit of enlightenment among those practicing meditation and yoga), but remaining the same problems.

In the context of depreciating a relationship, it is important to distinguish between disappointment and depreciation, since frustration is normal in a relationship.

In the process of therapy in relations with the therapist and other significant figures, there is a transformation of attitudes towards the fact that something in the relationship may not suit - a more mature client is able to maintain a relationship with the Other, despite the fact that something is not satisfied with them. Keeps "in spite of", rather than destroys "because of" something. Learns to value both relationships and events of his own life, can restore relationships after the discovery that the Other does not meet expectations, is imperfect. That is, normal disappointment is an admission that the Other may be imperfect, an experience of sadness and sadness that the other is Other, not ideal, and not what the client would like him to be.

Thus, in the strategy of work, there is a gradual supportive accompaniment in disappointment, in the fact that there are not only extremes, but also in the middle, in the client's awareness that this is his life. Disappointment is also possible in the therapist, his imperfection, limitations, the fact that he does not fully (as the client would like) understand the client. And it will be important to withstand this period while maintaining a connection and stable relationship. This will gradually lead to self-confidence and more independence (instead of dependent relationships).

Interestingly, in some popular sources of rational-behavioral therapy, it is suggested that in order to quickly survive the loss of a partner (divorce), it is proposed to devalue him in order to forget him faster. A very controversial method, but since a person unconsciously uses it, therapists and divorce counselors pick it up and elevate it into a method.

In general, the work with depreciation within the framework of therapy is built on the basis of creating relationships, analyzing depreciating figures and helping to understand the mechanisms of depreciation-idealization.