Children's Tantrums: How To React To Parents?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Hysterics in a child from one to three, four years old is a phenomenon painfully familiar to almost every modern parent. And, perhaps, one of the most frequent questions that tired mothers ask during this period: "How to deal with hysterics?" There is a catch in the question itself - after all, in this way, hysteria by default is considered something bad and unacceptable. And the secret is that it is impossible to "overcome" hysterics, just as it is impossible to "fight" with the inability to speak in a one-year-old baby or to tie shoelaces in a two-year-old. Simply because there are certain age restrictions associated with the peculiarities of the formation of the brain and nervous system of any child. And in the context of tantrums in a child of younger preschool age, we are dealing with an immature cerebral cortex responsible for self-regulation, logic, rational actions and behavior, and therefore it is important to understand that tantrums are a natural part of a child's maturation. But what about parents and how to survive this difficult and loud period without harm to the psyche?

HYSTERIC IS JUST EMOTION

The first thing that parents should realize, whose babies have entered the perfect age of a series of crises one, two, three years old, is that hysteria is just an emotion. This is not a disease, not a whim, not manipulation or bad manners. It's just such a manifestation of the child's momentary feelings. Every day he experiences a very rich palette of different emotional states. Resentment, anger, anger, fatigue, fear, anxiety - all these emotions will cause a strong affective reaction in the baby, which can be accompanied by tears, loud screams, aggressive outbursts.

Since the baby's brain is still very immature, it is simply physiologically incapable of slowing down its emotional reaction - to rationalize the situation (“nothing terrible really happened”), to pull myself together (“stop, you need to stop and calmly tell my mother what I am I want ), or be comforted by yourself. That is why it seems to many parents that the tantrums of their son or daughter are demonstrative in nature - after all, babies go to cry and console themselves only to those in whom they are confident, whom they love, and that is why they carry their feelings to mothers and fathers.

Emotions are a kind of psychic energy that is certainly looking for a way out, looking for opportunities to be lived and expressed. An immature child's tantrum is such an immature way to experience various unpleasant emotions. Although, what can we hide, not even all adults are able to maturely live various negative states, and sometimes they break into screams, throw themselves at everything that comes to hand, or even fight with those who dare to cause these emotions in them. All these are the consequences of the experience of ecological living not acquired in childhood and the expression of one's feelings and states.

Therefore, during a tantrum, it is important, first of all, to show the baby: what is happening to him is normal, to voice his emotion ("you are angry because …", "you are upset because …"), show that you are there and ready to help him to be comforted. It is also necessary not to stop his emotions - by distracting, bribing and, which is very sad, intimidating - but to give them the opportunity to be lived. Many parents argue that locking a child in a room until he calms down, punishing, or simply ignoring his behavior (and, in fact, the state) is a great way to cope with tantrums. These methods really "work", but, alas, they do not help the child, but only the parent, by means of the fact that fear comes to replace some of the child's experiences (resentment, anger, and so on). Since the need to be in contact with the most significant people is one of the most significant for a child, and the slightest hint of the possibility of losing this contact causes anxiety and even horror.

And the emotion that the baby was filled with and which was replaced by fear, he will begin to consider "bad" (and himself at the same time with it), wrong, and then an attitude will be formed that being angry (upset / sad / afraid) is bad, and therefore necessary to pacify these emotions in every possible way. In adulthood, this will either lead to the fact that a person will constantly suppress, accumulate his feelings, and then explode, or “conserve” them in the body, which is especially typical for men, because “boys don’t cry, are you a girl ?!” Then, in adulthood, this leads to the inability to express their feelings and, as a result, the sad statistics of mortality at the age of 40+ from heart attacks.

SUSTAINABLE, ACCEPTING ADULT IS THE BEST ASSISTANT TO A KID IN HYSTERIC

The most important thing a parent can give a child during a tantrum is the space to express their emotions, acceptance and support when the child comes to be comforted. At the same time, it is necessary that the mother or father themselves be in good contact with their emotions: they are aware of their feelings, know how to manage them, and do not immediately begin to get angry or afraid of the baby's emotional outbursts. For a raging crumbs, a reliable and stable support is needed on which he can lean, and if an adult is lost, fusses or loses his temper, this certainly does not contribute to the calming of the child.

It is important that parents do not judge the degree of their "goodness" by the volume of children's tantrums. Because then they will fall into their own feelings, and not be in the moment and in contact with the child. Remember, before putting on an oxygen mask on a child, you need to help yourself: first, feel yourself in your body (and not think, "what will people think?"), Feel the ground under your feet, take a deep breath, remind yourself that everything is normal and does not characterize you as a parent in any way, and then go to the child who is in hysterics.

FRAMEWORK AND BOUNDARIES IN PUBLIC TRAINING ARE AS IMPORTANT AS SENSITIVITY

However, there is also a certain influence of parenting style on the behavior of the child. Gentleness and sensitivity does not mean that there are no restrictions or prohibitions at all. The task of the parent is not only to envelop in warmth, but also to set and maintain frameworks and boundaries: to introduce certain family rules - the child must know what is allowed and what is not; to withstand loud protests and demands when the baby comes into contact with these boundaries - not to try to stop this experience, but to give an opportunity to live the futility of some of your desires. Otherwise, the child will not get the experience of living with limitations, and then we will observe what is commonly called "spoiled".

Parents mistakenly believe that this child is incredibly demanding, or capricious, since he does not accept a refusal or prohibition, therefore he deliberately "turns on" hysteria and seeks to achieve his goal at any cost. But in fact, it is parents who lack confidence and consistency, and they simply cannot withstand the completely natural and logical emotions that flood over the baby after facing restrictions.

It is important to create a lifestyle for the child in which conditions for healthy maturation of the nervous system will be provided: clear rules of life (and not the format "dad forbade - mom allowed"), the mode and predictability of the events of the day, a minimum of gadgets and screen time, warm and reliable affection for parents, sufficient communication and attention. When a two-year-old, for example, has too much separation from his mother, this will result in anxiety, and, accordingly, in frequent and prolonged tantrums.

If your child has tantrums very often (several times a day), lasts a long time (from half an hour or longer), if during tantrums, the baby loses consciousness, holds his breath, begins to choke, he vomits or begins to beat his head, or cause other bodily harm to yourself, this is a reason to immediately consult a neurologist.

PATIENCE ONLY PATIENCE

No matter how trite it may sound, the main thing that parents need during the period of their child's tantrums is patience. Just as it is impossible to teach or force a three-month-old to walk, it is also impossible to prevent a three-year-old from throwing tantrums. It's just such an age when a child has not yet learned to express his emotions in an acceptable and non-annoying way. And our task is to help him in this, teaching and showing in what other way we can live our sadness or show anger.

It is also important to always remember the need for parents to replenish their personal resource in order to be able to withstand children's emotional outbursts. To do this, it would be good to know what exactly can help a mother (who, as a rule, get the bulk of children's tantrums) to relax and unwind, switch over and unwind. Well, and, of course, it is important not to devalue the work that a woman does on maternity leave, raising a child - neither to those around her, nor to the mother herself.

And finally, a little comforting. The period of high-profile tantrums for your baby will definitely end. But a lot of his adult life attitudes and behaviors depend on how he will live. Therefore, the next time your son or daughter throws another tantrum, just think about the fact that now you are helping your child go through the difficult path of maturation of the nervous system, and may it be soft and painless for him.