2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
It always hurts my eyes when parents, talking about certain methods of upbringing, prove their fidelity with the result of "we no longer have tantrums", or "we coped with whining," or "how to stop crying." As if the child is crying, whining, hysterical or scandalous for his own pleasure, or out of habit.
As if the child is not human and has no right to be upset. Not a single person in the world can exist in a permanently positive state, it's just not normal, why are we all the time trying to get this from a child?
Wouldn't it be better to give him the opportunity to be in a frustrated state, and teach him to be in it, not considering it the end of the world. So that when he becomes an adult, the state "I really don't feel bad" is not regarded as an indicator that life has failed, you are a complete loser, and in general it is not worth living, but rather calmly from the inside reflected as "now I feel bad, there are reasons for that, and it will definitely pass. " I always tell children something like "you are angry (you are offended, you are upset, you feel bad), it happens to everyone, it happens to me too, it’s nothing, we are still human, it will pass”.
It also helps me a lot to apply the situation to myself. Now, if I feel so bad (no matter for what reason) that I growl at my husband, break down at the children, and cry alone? Bad, insulting, hopeless and sorry for myself, what will help me?
Will it help me if my husband says to me, "Come on, this is all nonsense"? No, because FOR ME this is NOT nonsense.
Will it help me if my husband says to me "look, you are doing well, there are a bunch of people who are worse off than you"? No, because I don't give a damn what it feels like to someone else, I feel bad.
Will it help me if my husband says, "Stop this nagging, you are not little"? No, because I cannot stop it, I feel bad.
Will it help me if my husband says "Go cry to your room, and when you calm down, I'll talk to you"? No, I will feel abandoned and misunderstood.
Will it help me if my husband says, "If you don't stop right now, I won't talk to you?" No, I will be offended, this is blackmail and a threat when I need help and support.
Will it help me if my husband says "I don't understand when you speak in such a whiny voice. Say in a normal voice"?
Will it help me if my husband hits me?
Why is all this being said to children?
What will help me? Personally, affection, understanding, assurance that I am loved, that he is with me, that everything will work out will help me. It will help me "Yes, I know, my good one, I would also be terribly offended in such a situation. I love you very much. Everything will be fine."
Therefore, when a child has gone beyond this line, when emotions lead him, and he no longer thinks rationally, I sit down next to him and say, "My girl, you are terribly offended now, I know. I love you very very much. You are my little, my only girl. " Etc. And the worse the child is, the more she needs to know now how much I love her. Therefore, I sit next to me and say how much I love her, how wonderful, smart, good she is, how I need her, what my daughter is, I speak and speak as long as she wants to hear. I do not persuade her misfortune - her misfortune - and there will be many more - this is her misfortune, she herself must find a way to accept it, survive, find her inner solution, to the cause of her upset. She will have to do this all her life. But how much easier it is when you know that someone loves you very much. Is not it?
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