When You Shouldn't Expect A Miracle Or Myths About The Work Of A Psychologist. Part 2

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In this article, I will continue to analyze the most popular misconceptions about psychotherapy and psychological counseling. The first part can be read by following this link.

In the previous article, I ended at point 12, so I will continue the numbering

Myth 13. The psychologist had no such experience, so he cannot help me. One of the most common myths that I want to explore in detail. The client may think in the following way: "he has never got a divorce and will never be able to understand me." This also includes the client's idea that only he is so bad in life and no one will ever understand him at all (not only a psychologist). "What does this kid know about parenting?" - the client reflects on the young psychotherapist. Really. Maybe not know anything. But he is interested in YOU, your experiences, your vision of raising children and your story. Moreover, often such a hesitant client bypassed all teachers and experts in education in the region and even in the district. And I heard about the powerful experience and knowledge of each of them. But did it help him?

In this case, I like to give an analogy with the work of a doctor. Agree, not every talented neurosurgeon has a history of a brain tumor. And this does not prevent him from thoroughly investigating the patient's pathology and conducting a successful operation. So is the psychologist. Nothing prevents you from exploring the phenomenon with which the client turned and being a support for him until he himself gets on his feet and walks. The paradox is that yes, indeed, a psychologist could not have experienced all the troubles of a divorce or the loss of loved ones. But let's look from a different angle: after all, even some kind of "similar" experience at first glance may in fact not be similar to everyone. Each individual's experience is unique. Suppose that both the client (C) and the psychologist (P) have events similar at first glance in their past, for example, parting with a loved one. For one, the parting was black, and for the other, it was dark gray. In this case, K and P are two different people and they see the world in completely different ways. Even if they are looking at the same object. Therefore, initially ANY client request is unique. Any topic becomes new for the perceiver (P). And yes, it takes time to explore something new, so as not to jump to conclusions and step out of the therapeutic position. Hence the next myth.

Myth 14. A psychologist should understand me perfectly. Read: read the train of my thoughts, immediately understand what I am talking about, complete the proposals for me and be sure to agree with the logic and correctness of my conclusions. Great if so. But this is not always possible in reality. Seeing a lack of understanding in the eyes of a psychologist or hearing from him something like "I cannot understand how this is connected", clients are often disappointed and leave, leaving the psychologist with the label "not perceptive enough." Here I think two points are important. In the first, I will quote myself: it takes time to explore something new. The second is that yes, alas, the client's inferences and chains of thoughts are not always close to reality. Being in the position of an observer, the psychologist can notice this and accurately show the client. Not all clients ready see it. Not everyone wants to. And yes, they go to their familiar world. A world in which "I cannot be happy, because I am surrounded by freaks." The joy is that they are leaving a little bit different. Not noticeable at first glance by others.

Myth 15. A psychologist is a person without an opinion or "well, agree that I'm right in this situation ?!", "tell me your opinion!" Often, a psychologist is (erroneously) asked for assessment support. Yourself or others. Does not matter. I wrote in the previous part (see the article When you shouldn't expect a miracle or myths about the work of a psychologist. Part 1., item 12) that the psychologist will not evaluate your actions. Sometimes this leads to the following: not getting an assessment where it is good and where it is bad, clients are surprised, angry, annoyed by the psychologist's "lack of personal opinion": "Are you on his side ??? Do you love cheaters ?!" We are accustomed to the fact that in ordinary everyday life, someone's opinion about an event is equal to his assessment of this event (good / bad). And if this evaluative opinion differs from ours, we rebel or they will definitely prove us wrong. This is not the case in psychotherapy. And it can be annoying, yes. Because this is unusual! In general, in this incomprehensible psychotherapy there is a lot of strange and unusual things! This is the topic of the psychologist's non-judgmental position and it is quite extensive. So I would be on my guard if my psychologist told me something like "Yes, Vasya is a daffodil and a fool, and in this situation you are clearly a fine fellow and a sunshine. And I am a rescuer and I will argue the right way, yeah." This would be an assessment (and a topic for personal therapy for such a psychologist). Conclusion: the psychologist has an opinion. There is no evaluative position and defending it. While I work, while I am a psychologist, I do not evaluate, I observe and research (in a conversation with friends, I can act differently).

Myth 16. The psychologist will automatically become my friend. No. It won't. And this does not mean that he cannot experience different experiences on this topic. This is a very broad topic with many great articles written about it. I will not disclose this topic completely in this article, but I will give an illustrative example of what it can be fraught with to befriend your psychologist.

Imagine a situation that you have ALREADY made friends with your psychologist … And what are you waiting for? You are waiting for the same familiar to you psychologist. Only free of charge and around the clock: by SMS, by phone, during a joint lunch on weekends. The same sensitive, non-evaluating, attentive to all your manifestations and words, accepting, focused on you and your world. The kind you are used to. The psychologist to whom you came and received acceptance, safety, valuelessness and attention to yourself always (!!!), regardless of what happens in this psychologist's personal life (after all, you did not know about it). What do you get in the end? Human … An ordinary mortal. Tired and wanting to rest. With their "pens", with their "cockroaches". With their "let's talk later, I have no time." And yes, he, too, will demand attention to himself, whine, cry and complain about traffic jams and neighbors. Like an ordinary person. The psyche works in such a way that over time, you will see only whining, earthiness and "humanity" of this psychologist, and the usual sensitivity and attentiveness to you will become completely invisible, depreciate and wear off. Will you get a "friend" with that expected set of professional qualities? No, It is Immpossible. Are you going to lose the right psychologist? Yes. Draw your own conclusions.

About me: I am guided by ethical principles and do not mix profession and personal life. This is a necessary condition for maintaining my competence, professional position and psychological safety - my own and my client's.

Myth 17. It's cool when my loved one is a psychologist. He can always help me. Read: "work always, with everyone, for free, without rest and do not care about your resources." See point 16.

I will answer for myself. "Tyzhpsychologist" does not work with me. I can help relatives with the recommendation of a good psychologist (another) or some general, superficial information on the issue, depending on our degree of intimacy. An exception may be emergency situations (shock, trauma, violence). Attempts to stage an emergency situation are suppressed. Sometimes with consequences.

Myth 18. A psychologist must be "all worked out" and everything in his life must be perfectly good, otherwise he does not go to work. This point again refers me to the medical analogy. A dentist may have, for example, disorders in the endocrine system that do not interfere with his work and gorgeous teeth treatment, put fillings and prostheses for his patients. He knows about his disorders, he treats them with an experienced endocrinologist and carefully monitors his condition, takes tests, and so on. He is attentive to himself. If the same doctor has such a disturbance that he suffers from insomnia, his hands tremble and his head hurts, then naturally, he will not go to work. Here, attention to oneself and care of a specialist about oneself and, as a result, about the patient / client are important. I recall the analogy with the oxygen mask on board an emergency aircraft: first put the mask on yourself, then on the child. If I am going through a difficult period due to a move and renovation, I can work with a client about divorce, anxiety, or the same renovation. After all, my repair and its repair are perceived by us in very different ways. If my renovation has filled my mind and I am unable to be in contact with the Other, I will cancel the session for the benefit of both the client and myself. And I will go to therapy / supervision.

Myth 19. The past of a psychologist does not contain stupidity, mistakes, suffering, failure and grief. And they don't use foul language. Myth Mifovich of all time! The psychologist is a living person. And in an amicable way, the halo above your head has long gone out. Many psychologists come to the profession through an initial desire to "understand themselves and solve their problems" (may my colleagues forgive me). The question is whether the psychologist's past experience interferes with present contact with the client. And does it knock you out of the therapeutic position. See point 18. And again about doctors. Yes, our dentist may have had tooth decay as a teenager. If conclusions are drawn about the effect of food acidity, high-quality fillings are installed, the dentist takes care of his teeth and visits another dentist for prevention himself - this is great. If tooth decay is not healed and it hurts, distracting the doctor from the patient is not very good.

Myth 20. The psychologist is "universal" and will talk to me about everything. "About the situation in the country, about the situation on the roads, about politics, about gasoline prices, about neighbors. But not about me. "This is not always the case (in consultation with me). At some point I ask the client why we are now discussing any topics except HIM? This leads to interesting conversations. Much more interesting and important for the most client than these damn neighbors, gasoline and roads. Often, this is how client resistance works and I feel like I’m blabbed about anything but important personal experiences. Again, this is not a one-size-fits-all solution, sometimes it is useful to wait, but sooner or later the policy in the consultation ends.

Myth 21. Psychologist "leading" the conversation in the consultation. "You are a specialist, you know better what to talk to me about. I have already voiced my problem. Tell me now what to do," read: "Entertain me, give me advice and instructions on how to live, how to find the love of your life and work of your dreams. And at the same time stay good, not quarrel with anyone and be physically healthy at the same time. " My answer in this case: for entertainment and instructions - not to me, but to the training of alpha males or courses of opening the energy of the vagina. Naturally, the situation is exaggerated, but like a worn-out record I repeat that I am a fellow traveler. You choose the path. I can only tell you that you are walking through a swamp when there are other paths and trails nearby. But it's up to you to choose your path.

Myth 22. A psychologist will "teach" to think positively and save me from suffering. Usually this means a distorted and mythical view of positive thinking as such. And the expectation is imposed that during the consultation I will teach the client to see the positive sides of the current situation (objectively, an extremely difficult situation). Or I will start to cheer up the client, console him with the words: "Oh, okay, everything is really not so bad, your husband died, but it's for the best, now he is in heaven, in a better world …" and carry similar devaluating dregs. No, I cannot make a painful situation a pleasant one in these ways. And I will not enthusiastically congratulate you on leaving your comfort zone either. And most likely, this will not help and will cause at least annoyance. Just imagine that you have lost a wallet with a large amount of money, and you are echoed with a smile that it can be even worse, that there are pluses in this, that you are "steaming" because of nonsense, while somewhere there is a civil war and everything it will be good, just smile and move on. What do you feel? Exactly. This was an example of devaluation of your feelings. Perhaps, somewhere, it helped someone. But this is not for me, this will not happen at my consultations.

The other side of the matter is the client who "likes to suffer". For any reason. It is a special skill to find a reason for suffering in any situation. At any. And this is probably (so far) the only available way to get attention. Well then. Let him suffer. And in this case, lulling the ego of the sufferer with phrases that everything will be fine is also not the best option. No one has the right to forbid a person to live as badly as he did that wants … But that's a topic for another article.

Believe in a miracle, it's not bad. But don't forget about the real world.

I wish my readers to keep in touch with reality.

And I'm waiting for those who are ready to look into the essence of myself at my consultations!

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