2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The stages in the development of relationships in a couple resemble the maturation of the layers of a whole healthy organism, in which, if the middle is broken, then the subsequent layers are thin, unreliable and fade, not knowing all the charm of existence.
In a couple and partnership, balance, harmony and the ability to fairly redistribute resources, that is, strength and opportunities, are very important.
The notorious vampirism, gaslighting or abuse appears in a relationship only if one partner has huge deficits (in power, in demonstration, in the desire to merge emotionally, in the need to maintain their own addictions) And the other partner at this moment has the same the need to constantly save, to suffer from feelings of guilt, to revel in feelings of resentment or guilt, to experience existential pathological shame.
Such a couple can exist for decades, being in destructive states, but being sure that this is normal and correct. Following a certain conviction that "everyone has this" and that such is "my cross".
Sometimes the fear of uncertainty in the future is so strong that attempts to change the present arise when the boiling point of both is at its maximum.
The stages of transformation for the family system are as gradual as the accumulation of these destructions. You cannot immediately and instantly destroy all layers. This can be an even deeper trauma than a real painful condition.
Any abrupt and fatal change will be the solution, but not the solution.
Probably the most correct thing would be to move away from the search for ways of harmonious communication and start working on oneself, on building harmony within oneself. At these moments, stories and neoplasms in the personal arsenal can be transferred to paper in the form of diaries of emotions, therapy notes, charts of states and goal-setting practices.
Working with a couple develops into parallel work of partners with two specialists. This period is important for a deep analysis of the personal reasons for coming to the problem. To find internal resources and work through old traumas that caused the conflict.
Joy and happiness never lie on a silver platter. They are true and bright only when the path to them is an inner work, albeit not the most pleasant one.
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