2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The topic of boundaries in the context of human relations is one of the most pressing. Indeed, in contacts, we constantly come into contact with others, some of our side.
If we approach very close, that is, we violate the border, it is very easy to fall into a merger. This can happen so quickly that a person simply does not notice this process.
Merging is characterized by the fact that a person ceases to distinguish his desires from the desires of another, ceases to distinguish his feelings from the feelings of the other, thoughts also become, as it were, common, a common space, a common emotional state. If a person is very sensitive, then he can simply feel the other as himself. People who are in fusion become, as it were, psychological hermaphrodites.
According to legend, hermaphrodites are ancient demigods who were both man and woman at the same time. For their arrogant and overly narcissistic behavior, God separated them and scattered the halves all over the world. Thus, now we, the descendants of the ancient demigods, are in search of our missing part.
In the case of a merger, it does not necessarily happen to a person of the opposite sex; it can happen to a relative, a colleague, a child, or a friend.
At the root of this phenomenon is always the need for love and acceptance and the deep idea that if I sacrifice myself, then you will definitely love me unconditionally.
Such people are very characteristic of the psychology of the victim, they are ready to give up their own desires and fulfill the desires of another. In the position of fusion, it is not always possible for a person to discern whether he is fulfilling his desire or the desire of his “fusion partner”.
As I said earlier, all feelings, emotions and thoughts are intermingled. But, in any case, there is some kind of service, as if: I will give everything to you, you just love me.
If the person who serves does not receive this love, then he can resort to all sorts of manipulations, threats, demands, they say, I give myself all to you, and you do not fulfill what I need or do not give me the form of love that I need it.
Often this happens in the relationship of mothers and sons, when mothers all the time sacrifice their personal life and professional realization to please the child, and then, after a while, manipulations begin, that, they say, "I gave you my whole life, and now - a favor!"
From such mothers you can often hear phrases: "We ate", "We washed ourselves", "We got a good mark." When talking about small children, then such a phenomenon is not dangerous, since a small child is really in merging with his mother, this is normal, but if we are talking about adult children, then it is simply necessary to urgently separate from the parent figure.
The harm that such a relationship can do to both partners is enormous.
Firstly, in the case of a mother and a child, the mother simply will not let him build his own life, create a new family, since there will always be a tacit or aloud demand from the mother: "I am in charge!" Which woman would like it?
Therefore, such a man will have problems in forming a relationship with his wife.
Further, if we are talking about a merger of a different kind, for example, between friends or a boss or some kind of guru, then there is also little good here.
Indeed, in a merger, there is no equal relationship. Merging is a vertical relationship. Someone is in charge, someone is subordinate. And if the one to whom they obey wants to get out of this game, then the consequences can be different, starting with the fact that the partner will manipulate, persecute, do not give a pass, ending with the long-term suffering of both.
The price of such a relationship is the inability to live your life and breathe deeply. Merging is otherwise called dependency.
Addiction is a state in which being without another is unbearable, and this will never lead to growth and freedom.
There is another form of interaction that is also toxic to humans.
This is a relationship in which a person is afraid to go to the border of contact, he is very far away from other people. He is limited to formal connections, his topics are never deep, all inclinations will come close to him, fail. Such a person is quite cold, perhaps calculating, and may be cynical.
It is not possible to talk about feelings with such a person, he does not like to often and close contact with people.
From the outside it seems that he is callous. But actually it is not. The same need for love and acceptance lives inside him, he just cannot get in touch with another and declare this need. He is afraid. He is bound by the fear of rejection.
Perhaps he was faced with very painful experiences in the past, which were associated with close relationships, because it is clear to everyone that only close people - those whom we let to our hearts, are ways to hurt us.
Therefore, a person who is autonomous from contacts is actually afraid of them, afraid of getting hurt. Therefore, for him, the growth zone is a step-by-step approach to the boundary of contact with another.
Each step by millimeter you need to track your condition. How feelings change, what happens to the body, what thoughts emerge, where, at what moment it becomes unbearable.
If it's unbearable, you should stop in this situation and feel yourself.
Why is this man so cold? He cannot warm up, he is very far from the fire of warmth and love, it is worth gradually coming closer, very carefully, so as not to get hurt again.
It turns out that any excesses in a relationship, be it a merger or a fear of intimacy, do not create an opportunity for a person for a normal, fulfilled and free life. Energy in such a relationship will always go to the wrong place, to feed the wrong thing. This will always lead to disappointment. In the case of merging, a person lives with the illusion that only his partner will give him what he needs. But the illusion will sooner or later dissipate, and a person will inevitably meet with hopelessness. He will just need to create a new format of relationships if he wants to live a happy life.
In the case of a fear of establishing close contacts, energy is blocked, tightness. A person loses a huge amount of creative energy, which is born only at the border of contact. The exchange of energy creates something third, and a person who is afraid to build close relationships deprives himself of this.
Therefore, we need to look for that very point in space and time where we could fully enjoy close and deep relationships, while remaining free.
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