2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Obstacles in our path often arise from deep self-loathing. Social psychologist Charles Roizman points out five clear signs of self-loathing and ways to help get rid of this unconscious feeling and become whole
Self-hatred is a feeling that we rarely realize, says Charles Roizman. - First, it is so unpleasant and destructive that we are replacing it. Second, when we encounter difficulties, we often think that other people or unfavorable circumstances have caused them. It is difficult for us to admit that they are caused by our internal problems and by what creates these problems: in an unworthy way of ourselves."
Why are we talking about hate and not a lack of self-confidence or low self-esteem? "Because this is a very definite feeling that causes a distorted view of ourselves as a monster: we perceive ourselves entirely as bad, inadequate, and worthless."
The disgusting creature that we want to hide from others and from ourselves at all costs is in fact a wounded creature: in childhood, family members or those around us tortured us, tormented us with ridicule, incessant accusations, alienation, rejection and abuse, and all this makes us still ashamed of ourselves.
Past violence makes us think we’re doing wrong all the time, forcing us to abandon ourselves in favor of others, or obey those who instill fear in us. But in most cases we do not even have a clear awareness of what we have experienced. And instead of feeling sorry for ourselves, we continue to mistreat ourselves and see ourselves as pathetic.
In essence, self-loathing is love that has been disappointed and turned into its opposite. Because of trauma, we cannot become who we hope to be. And we do not forgive ourselves for this.
Our flawed ideas about ourselves cannot but affect our lives. But if we find them, we have a chance to free ourselves from them.
Charles Roizman offers three paths to healing:
“First, to see how we treat others - demanding, critical - in order to better understand how they treated us.
Second, identify our negative self-images and try to understand where they came from.
Third, and most importantly, to learn to distinguish between fantasy and reality: are the reproaches that I address myself justified? Am I really guilty or do I feel guilty because I have been regularly instilled in guilt?
It is necessary at some point to enter into a struggle with oneself and stop judging oneself in advance. By recognizing the signs of self-loathing in different areas of life, we will be able to more calmly accept our shortcomings, as well as our merits."
IN OUR RELATIONS
Reproduction of violence, difficulty in creating an intimate space. Since we are not aware of what we were doing, we run the risk, without noticing it, in our turn being inattentive, blaming, suppressing and humiliating partners, children, colleagues … “This violence that we reproduce limits our ability to love others like this as they are, and show ourselves as we really are. That is, ultimately create intimacy."
We hide behind (too) positive self-images (sweet, ideal, devoted) or too provocative ("I am who I am, whether you like it or not", "I value my freedom too much to get involved with someone") … These positions allow us to keep others at a distance, but also betray a deep lack of self-confidence.
IN OUR ACHIEVEMENTS
Abandoned dreams, talents buried in the ground.“Due to the fact that we do not love ourselves enough, it is difficult for us to achieve our goals: we do not take our dreams seriously, we do not dare to fulfill our desires, we simply do not give ourselves such an opportunity,” says Charles Roizman.
We always put off the life that we would like to lead for later: we do not feel ourselves worthy of happiness, nor capable of it.
And then we either console ourselves or engage in self-sabotage. And yet we never realize our underestimated potential. Boredom and the feeling that we are not living our own lives are sure signs of self-loathing that we do not recognize. To come to terms with our frustrations, we convince ourselves that no one in life ever does what they want.
IN OUR WORK
Unfulfilled ambitions, impostor syndrome. Likewise, self-loathing inhibits professional development. If we are convinced of our insignificance, if we do not give ourselves the right to make a mistake, then any encounter with difficulties in mastering new tasks, any criticism can become unbearable. Instead of listening to our desire to develop, we pretend that we have no ambition, that we give this right to others. “We turn the contempt we have for ourselves to those who succeed and whom we envy, although we cannot admit it to ourselves,” says Charles Roizman.
If, despite all this, we achieve a responsible position, we will face the impostor syndrome: “We do not feel able to perform the functions entrusted to us, and we are terrified at the thought that we are about to be exposed,” he explains. Self-loathing makes it difficult to recognize our merits: if we succeed, it’s only because others were wrong about us.
IN OUR BODY
Lack of recognition of beauty, neglect of health. How we care for ourselves is obviously related to how much we value ourselves. If we were once neglected, now we are neglecting ourselves: shapeless clothes, sloppy hair … natural state.
What is not so obvious, “self-loathing also manifests itself in neglect of our health: we do not go to the dentist, gynecologist. We think that we deserve this destruction, suffering, and do not dare to show someone the parts of our body that we were made to be ashamed of.
IN OUR ATTACHMENT
The need for "crutches", difficulty in choosing. “When we were children and we were not able to get confirmation of our existence through approval, permission, recognition from the parents, this dealt a blow to our ability to be independent,” explains Charles Roizman. Having matured, we do not know how to make decisions, make choices on our own. We still need to rely on someone, and if that someone is not available, then on something. This addiction creates a breeding ground for compulsive needs and painful attachments. It also makes us vulnerable to sexual harassment and malicious manipulation. One way or another, it testifies to our conviction that, on our own, we do not deserve the right to exist.
Charles Rojzman - founder of social psychotherapy; co-author of the book "How to learn to love yourself in difficult times"
Recommended:
Low And High Self-esteem: Causes, Signs, Impact On Human Life. What To Do In This Situation?
In my practice, I constantly face the question that clients ask me: "Why do people treat me this way, what is wrong with my self-esteem?" First, let's figure out what self-esteem is in principle. This is an assessment of yourself, your strengths and weaknesses.
Self-isolation Stress And Anxiety / How To Survive An Epidemic / Self-regulation And Self-management
Quite recently, as if yesterday, it seemed to me that this topic is relevant for people experiencing health problems. Personally, I used these techniques for clients for whom stress is contraindicated for medical reasons, so an attempt to delve into the causes of a stressful situation could lead to additional exacerbations of the underlying disease, and there was only one thing left - teaching self-regulation techniques.
Signs Of Low Self-esteem In Women
In fact, today this topic is quite burning. What are the signs that you can understand that a woman has low self-esteem? The first and most basic criterion is that in most cases a woman does not know what exactly she wants (finding herself in a new situation, communicating with other people, etc.
7 Signs Of An Abusive Psychologist: How To Recognize Abuse
There are professions that are somehow connected with trust, and therefore with vulnerability: the patient is vulnerable to the doctor, the student to the teacher, the victim to the rescuer, the client to the psychologist. And where there is vulnerability, there is another side of the coin - power.
Self-criticism, Self-support, Self-acceptance
Self-criticism, self-support, self-acceptance - these are the steps in script therapy that mean learning the skill of self-love. The article aims to show psychologists how you can go this way in the therapy of low self-esteem and self-denial.
