Low And High Self-esteem: Causes, Signs, Impact On Human Life. What To Do In This Situation?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In my practice, I constantly face the question that clients ask me: "Why do people treat me this way, what is wrong with my self-esteem?" First, let's figure out what self-esteem is in principle. This is an assessment of yourself, your strengths and weaknesses.

Self-esteem happens:

• underestimated - underestimation of one's own strength;
• overestimated - overestimation of one's own strength;
• normal - an adequate assessment of oneself, one's own strengths in certain life situations, in setting one's goals and objectives, an adequate perception of the world, in communicating with people.

What are the signs of low self-esteem?

1. Attitude of others as an indicator. As a person relates to himself, so others relate to him. If he does not love himself, does not respect and does not value, then he is faced with the same attitude of people towards himself.
2. Inability to manage your own life. A person believes that he will not cope with something, cannot make a decision, hesitates, thinks that nothing depends on him in this life, but depends on circumstances, other people, the state. Doubting his capabilities and powers, he either does nothing at all, or shifts the responsibility for the choice onto others.
3. A tendency to accuse others or self-flagellation. Such people do not know how to take responsibility for their lives. When it suits them, they engage in self-flagellation in order to feel sorry for them. And if they want not pity, but self-justification, then they blame others for everything.
4. Striving to be good, to please, to please, to adapt to another person to the detriment of oneself and one's personal desires.
5. Frequent claims to others. Some people with low self-esteem tend to complain about others, constantly blame them, thereby removing responsibility for failures from themselves. After all, it is not for nothing that they say that the best defense is an attack.
6. Focusing on your weaknesses, not your strengths. In particular, being overly critical of one's appearance. A sign of low self-esteem is picky about your appearance, constant dissatisfaction with your figure, eye color, height and body in principle.
7. Permanent nervousness, groundless aggression. And vice versa - apathy and depressive states from the loss of oneself, the meaning of life, a failure that has occurred, criticism from the outside, an unsuccessful exam (interview), etc.
8. Loneliness or vice versa - the fear of loneliness. Quarrels in relationships, excessive jealousy, as a result of the thought: "You cannot love someone like me."
9. The development of addictions, addictions as a way of temporary escape from reality.
10. Strong dependence on the opinions of other people. Inability to refuse. Painful reaction to criticism. Absence / suppression of one's own desires.
11. Closure, isolation from people. Feelings of self-pity. Inability to accept compliments. The constant state of the victim. As the saying goes, the victim will always find an executioner.
12. Heightened sense of guilt. He tries on critical situations for himself, not sharing his guilt and the role of the prevailing circumstances. Any disassembly takes in relation to himself as the culprit of the situation, because this will be the "best" confirmation of his inferiority.

How does high self-esteem manifest itself?

1. Arrogance. A person puts himself above others: "I am better than them." Constant rivalry as a way to prove it, "protruding" to show off your merits.
2. Closure as one of the manifestations of arrogance and a reflection of the thought that others are below him in status, intelligence and other qualities.
3. Self-confidence and constant proof of this as the "salt" of life. The last word should always remain with him. The desire to control the situation, to play a dominant role. Everything should be done as he sees fit, others should dance to his "tune".
4. Setting overestimated goals. If they are not achieved, frustration sets in. A person suffers, falls into depression, apathy, spreads rot on himself.
5. Inability to admit mistakes, apologize, ask for forgiveness, lose. Fear of evaluation. Painful reaction to criticism.
6. Fear of making a mistake, seeming weak, defenseless, insecure.
7. The inability to ask for help is a reflection of the fear of appearing defenseless. If he asks for help, this is more like a demand, an order.
8. Accentuation only on yourself. He puts his own interests and hobbies first.
9. The desire to teach the life of others, to "poke" them into the mistakes they have made and to show how it should be by the example of oneself. Self-affirmation at the expense of others. Boastfulness. Excessive familiarity. Arrogance.
10. The prevalence of the pronoun "I" in speech. Talking more in conversations than happening. Interrupts interlocutors.

For what reasons can self-esteem failures occur?

Childhood injuries, the causes of which can be any event significant for the child, and there are a huge number of sources.

Oedipus period. Age from 3 to 6-7 years old. On an unconscious level, the child acts out a partnership with his parent of the opposite sex. And the way the parent behaves will affect the child's self-esteem and his building a scenario of relationships with the opposite sex in the future.

Teenage years. Age 13 to 17-18. The teenager is looking for himself, trying on masks and roles, building his life path. He tries to find himself, asking the question: "Who am I?"

Certain attitudes towards children from significant adults (lack of affection, love, attention), as a result of which children may begin to feel unnecessary, unimportant, unloved, unrecognized, etc. Some behavioral patterns of parents, which subsequently pass to children and become their behavior in life. For example, the parents themselves have low self-esteem, when the same projections are superimposed on the child.

The only child in the family, when all attention is focused on him, everything is only for him, when there is an inadequate assessment of his abilities by his parents. From here comes the overestimated self-esteem, when the child cannot adequately assess his strength and abilities. He begins to believe that the whole world is only for him, everyone owes him, there is an accentuation only on himself, the cultivation of egoism.

Low assessment by parents and relatives of the child, his abilities and actions. The child is not yet able to evaluate himself and form an opinion about himself according to the assessment of people who are significant to him (parents, grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles, etc.). As a result, the child builds up low self-esteem.

Constant criticism of the child leads to low self-esteem, low self-esteem and closeness. In the absence of approval of creative endeavors, admiration for them, the child feels unrecognized for his abilities. If this is followed by constant criticism and abuse, then he refuses to create anything, create, and therefore develop.

Excessive demands on a child can foster both high and low self-esteem. Often, parents want to see their child the way they would like to see themselves. They impose their fate on it, building on it the projections of their goals, which they did not manage to achieve on their own. But behind this, the parents cease to see the child as a person, starting to see only their own projections, roughly speaking, of themselves, their ideal selves. The child is sure: "For my parents to love me, I must be the way they want me to be." He forgets about himself in the present and can either successfully or unsuccessfully meet parental requirements.

Comparison to other good children lowers self-esteem. Conversely, the desire to please parents inflates self-esteem in pursuit and competition with others. Then other children are not friends, but rivals, and I must / should be better than others.

Overprotection, excessive taking responsibility for the child in making decisions for him, down to who to be friends with, what to wear, when and what to do. As a result, the child ceases to grow I, he does not know what he wants, does not know who he is, does not understand his needs, abilities, desires. Thus, parents cultivate in him a lack of independence and, as a consequence, low self-esteem (up to the loss of the meaning of life).

The desire to be like a parent, which can be both natural and forced, when the child is constantly told: "Your parents have achieved so much, you must be like them, you have no right to fall face down in the mud." There is a fear of stumbling, making a mistake, not being ideal, as a result of which self-esteem may be underestimated, and initiative may be completely killed.

Above, I have given some of the common reasons why self-esteem problems arise. It should be added that the line between the two "poles" of self-esteem can be quite thin. For example, overestimating oneself can be a compensatory-protective function of underestimating one's strengths and capabilities.

As you can imagine, most of the problems in adulthood stem from childhood. The child's behavior, his attitude towards himself and the attitude towards him from the peers and adults around him build certain strategies in life. Childhood behavior carries over into adulthood with all its defense mechanisms. Ultimately, whole life scenarios of adulthood are built. And this happens so organically and imperceptibly for ourselves that we do not always understand why certain situations happen to us, why people behave with us this way. We feel unnecessary, unimportant, unloved, we feel that we are not appreciated, we are hurt and hurt by this, we suffer. All this manifests itself in relationships with close and dear people, colleagues and bosses, the opposite sex, society as a whole. It is logical that both low and overestimated self-esteem are not the norm. Such states cannot make you a truly happy person. Therefore, it is necessary to do something about the current situation.

If you yourself feel that it is time to change something, that you would like something in your life to become different, then the time has come.

How to deal with low self-esteem?

1. Make a list of your qualities, strengths, and virtues that you like about yourself or that your loved ones like. If you don't know, ask them about it. In this way, you will begin to see the positive aspects of your personality in yourself, thereby starting to cultivate self-esteem.
2. Make a list of the things you enjoy. If possible, start performing them for yourself. By doing this, you will cultivate love and concern for yourself.

3. Make a list of your desires and goals and move in that direction.

   Sports activities give tone, lift your spirits, and allow you to show quality care for your body, which you are so unhappy with. At the same time, negative emotions are released, which were accumulated and did not have the opportunity to exit. And, of course, you will have objectively less time and energy left for self-flagellation.

4. An accomplishment diary can also boost your self-esteem. If every time you write down your biggest and smallest victories in it.
5. Make a list of the qualities that you would like to develop in yourself. Develop them with the help of various techniques and meditations, of which there are now plenty of both on the Internet and offline.
6. Communicate more with those whom you admire, who understand you, from communication with whom "wings grow". At the same time, minimize to the possible level contacts with those who criticize, humiliate, etc.

The scheme of work with high self-esteem

1. First you need to understand that each person is unique in their own way, everyone has the right to their point of view.
2. Learn not only to listen, but also to hear people. After all, something is also important to them, they have their own desires and dreams.
3. When caring for others, do it based on their needs, not on what you think is right. For example, you came to a cafe, your interlocutor wants coffee, and you think that tea will be healthier. Do not impose your tastes and opinions on him.
4. Allow yourself to make mistakes and blunders. This provides a real basis for self-improvement and a valuable experience with which people become wiser and stronger.
5. Stop arguing with others and proving your case. You may not know yet, but in so many situations, everyone can be right in their own way.
6. Do not get depressed if you have not been able to achieve the desired result. Better analyze the situation in terms of why it happened, what you did wrong, what is the reason for the failure.
7. Learn adequate self-criticism (yourself, your actions, decisions).
8. Stop competing with others for any reason. Sometimes it looks extremely silly.
9. Extend your merits as little as possible, thereby underestimating others. The objective dignity of a person does not need a vivid demonstration - they are seen by actions.

There is one law that helps me a lot in my life and in working with clients: To be. Do. Have

What does it mean?

“To have” is a goal, a desire, a dream. This is the result that you want to see in your life. "To do" is a strategy, task, behavior, deeds. These are the actions that lead to the desired result.

"To be" is your sense of yourself. Who are you within yourself, for real, and not for others? Who do you feel like.

In my practice, I like to work with the “being of a person”, with what is happening inside him. Then “to do” and “to have” will come by themselves, organically forming into the picture that a person wants to see, into that life that satisfies him and allows him to feel happy. It is much more effective to work with the cause, and not with the effect. Eliminating the root of the problem, what creates and attracts such problems, rather than alleviating the current state, makes it possible to really fix the situation. In addition, not always and not everyone is aware of the problem, it can sit deeply in the unconscious. Working in this way is necessary in order to return a person to himself, to his unique values and resources, his strength, his own life path and understanding of this path. Without this, self-realization in society and in the family is impossible. For this reason, I believe that the optimal way for a person to interact with himself is therapy "being", not "action." This is not only effective, but also the safest, shortest path.

You were given two options: "to do" and "to be", and everyone has the right to choose for himself which way to go. Find a way to yourself. Not what society dictates to you, but to yourself - unique, real, integral. How you will do this, I do not know. But I am sure that you will find in what way it will be better in your case. I have found this in personal therapy and have successfully applied it in certain therapeutic techniques for rapid personality change and transformation. Thanks to this, I found myself, my path, my vocation. Good luck in your endeavors!

Respectfully yours, consultant psychologist, female trainer, numerologist, author of methods and trainings for personality development

Drazhevskaya Irina