I Consider Myself Unworthy Of Any Decent Money

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

N.:

Hello Olga!

I am writing to your heading "I ask for analysis." I looked through the rubric - you have not yet had such a question, and even a similar one; I hope this will make your analysis of my situation interesting.

A question about money.

I don't allow myself to have a lot of money. I consider myself unworthy of any decent money. Yes, even just enough for life.

I sit on the neck of my parents (I'm 31) and I am incredibly ashamed of it. Whoever does this (sitting at 31 on the neck of his parents) is EXACTLY unworthy of the blessings of life. All the time I try to earn extra money, and if occasionally it turns out, then everything earned immediately goes to plugging the holes formed during earning - either the seal fell out, then the boots worn out … As a result, I can not give anything to my parents, even what I take without saying I’m talking about helping them, I live at their expense, if I lived alone, I would not be able to provide for myself normally.

When I think that I could fly to Iceland, for example, - people go there, - immediately the thought: “Who ?? I?? No, this is not about me. It is definitely inaccessible to anyone, but to ME and will never be available, because I am a nonentity, a worthless chicken, unable to provide even the elementary for myself, not to mention such excesses that are not necessary for life, such as a trip somewhere. " It turns out that as a punishment for sitting on my parents' neck, I put myself a psychological barrier "I am not worthy of big money." To stop putting it on yourself, you need to stop sitting on your parents' neck. To do this, you need to start earning more. And this is impossible because of the psychological barrier. Vicious circle.

I am ashamed to appear at meetings of classmates, because many already have their own cars and apartments, and sometimes I cannot choose what to buy - shampoo or hand cream, because I cannot afford both at the same time. And the places where they meet are too expensive for me. I also cannot go to some master class or creative evening, because it seems to me that everyone around (even strangers) will look at me and think: “this is the same bitch that at 31 is sitting on the neck of my parents ". They will despise me for it. Does that mean I despise myself? It already seems to me that I will always be so helpless financially, that since at 31 I am like that, it means that I was _born_ so unadapted to the energy of money, "impotent" in terms of financial independence, and this cannot be changed (since before still hasn't changed: I had enough time), and this gives up and I don't want to live - or rather, drag out my miserable existence, barely making ends meet and constantly shaming and blaming myself for it.

They say what kind of ceiling you set yourself, so much money you will have. My psychological ceiling is 2000 hryvnia (this is 181 euros) per month, that's how much I get, and when I think that I need more, I immediately think: “Where from? Earn somewhere else? For what?? How?? Who will give me more, so worthless, such … I'm not worth more. When they offer me a part-time job, I gladly agree to a meager pay, I'm afraid to ask for more, because I think that then I will be considered a mercantile bitch who only thinks how to cheat someone for money by sliding a fantastic price tag (I tried to watch prices for the same services on the Internet. Who guaranteed that those people put them up honestly, and did not push them unreasonably high?), and they will take the order from me, and give it to someone who agrees to do it for such a small amount. Therefore, I undertake: it is better to get the small amount that is offered than nothing at all.

In addition, I found that I have attitudes "money is earned by hard work", "any work is a tedious obligation." I know that somewhere there are people who easily and with pleasure earn decent money doing what they love, but this is a different world for me, in which I do not believe that I can get. Well, how to watch a movie, and then try to get into it. In all seriousness, to think that you can get into a film is already for a psychiatrist.

What I tried to do with it: I took free online trainings on the attitude to myself and to money and on increasing self-worth, I do meditations. I convince myself that a person's dignity is measured not only by his earnings.(The interlocutor inside of me immediately replies: "Yeah, I agree. Dignity is measured in many respects by independence, uninfantiality. Taking responsibility, including financial, for your life. Haha.") This all helps 15 percent of that, what psychotherapy could give, I understand that it is very necessary, but there is no money for therapy and there will not be any in the near future.

The questions are: how to raise your psychological “financial ceiling” and allow yourself to have more money? How to learn to value and respect your work and not sell it for a penny? How do you break the vicious circle mentioned above?

* * *

Hello N

Firstly, I agree with you that it is rather difficult to break the vicious circle, and in order to do this efficiently, one cannot do without long-term psychotherapy. But then a new round of closure begins: long-term psychotherapy also needs money, and it’s that you don’t have! Therefore, I will split my answer into two parts.

Part one, at the moment practically useless: the reasons for the current situation

You write that you were born “impotent” in terms of financial independence, and that cannot be changed. I must put you on the ground: of course, there are people who are incapable of serving themselves for innate reasons - for example, mentally retarded or handicapped. But this is definitely not you. I.e, you weren't born that way - you were just raised … Fortunately, upbringing is a reversible process: in the future, you can re-educate yourself on your own.

The conviction of one's worthlessness at the age of 30 does not appear out of nowhere. If the basis for it was not laid in childhood, in adulthood it will not cling, no matter what happens to you. Everyone has difficult times; but some are looking for and find an opportunity to change this - while others from this conclude about their own inferiority. Both paths are the fruit of education. In the second case, we can talk about identification with trauma: For some reason it is important for a person to be unadapted, this is the basis of his current self-identification. ("I am unsuccessful; the one that is successful is not me. And who then ?!") And you even write who, and why it is so important for you not to be: otherwise some outsiders will think that you are a mercantile bitch! Indeed, how to survive this.

When I see a situation like yours - parents as a whole are people quite adapted to life (they still provide for their daughter), and the child has a complete inability, despite the developed intellect, a good syllable, the ability to write without mistakes, and provide some services, a price tag for which on the Internet significantly exceeds the rates for which this specialist allows himself to work - the only thing that comes to my mind is a certain childhood pattern of "being a good girl" and "not growing up" … A small dog is a puppy before old age, not an adult bitch …

Parents often do this quite unconsciously. For example, this can happen if the family has a difficult relationship between spouses. If the child is the only thing that cements the marriage, then the child cannot stop being a child.… Mom is afraid that as soon as her daughter grows up, dad will leave; and then, unconsciously, a message is broadcast to the daughter: “Don't grow up, don't grow up, be unadapted all the time, don't leave home! Otherwise, SCARY will happen: the house will collapse and cease to exist. It is clear where to become independent in the face of such horror …

Conscious demand of parents - "Become independent faster!", But at the same time it is characteristic overprotection, overcontrol and condemnation for the slightest manifestations of independence … It is noteworthy that everyone, including parents, is tormented by the situation that has arisen: when the blood is already thirty-first, some independence is normally assumed. But! She can't! How can you let her go, so unadapted, without controlling ?! Again a vicious circle, yeah.

Personal therapy is intended to fully solve these problems, and you need to look for an opportunity to undergo it.

But here we face the problem of lack of money in full growth. Psychotherapy costs money.

Part two, useful, about money

To understand the misty intricacies of a damaged soul is an extremely necessary and certainly useful thing, but! Sometimes the first item is just to go and do it. Whatever feelings you may feel at the same time: as they say, the eyes are afraid, but the hands are doing. Therefore, further I offer the purest manual.

1. Calculate your needs

Just add up how much money you need per month. Do not go straight to a private plane and a mansion in the foothills of the Crimea, but at the same time add psychotherapy, shampoo, hand cream, and a meeting with classmates to the estimate. Now you have an income of UAH 2,000, I suppose that the amount will be from 4,000 to 6,000 UAH, I specially checked on the first available aggregator of vacancies - these are quite real amounts for your place of residence.

2. Find the right role

When identifying with trauma, the task of getting the feeling “yes, I have a right to happiness (money, etc.)” can take years. And you need to live now! So the only way out is to play a role. Pretend to be someone who has this right. Mercantile bitch? - well, fine, let it be a mercantile bitch, but high quality! Choose your character to play: who is cute enough for us, and at the same time a mercantile bitch? Margaret Thatcher? Alla Pugacheva? Duchess of Marlborough? Lady Abigail? Scarlett O'Hara? Choose according to your taste.

3. Consider safety precautions

Answer yourself the following questions:

- Why is it so scary to be a mercantile bitch?

- Is it always that bad? Or is it sometimes useful? When?

- How can you consciously control the existing hazards?

- When is it appropriate to use this role, and when is it appropriate to move away from it?

4. Expand Terror's Reach

Suppose some customer / employer really thinks you are a mercantile bitch. AND?

What are you going to do about it? In what cases is it appropriate to score on this, in what cases - to provide him with an estimate and justification of his costs, in what - to make concessions? In which ones - to look for another customer / employer?

5. Make a plan of action from the role

What would your heroine, a successful woman, do if you were? How would she look for customers / jobs, how would she bargain? How would she prove that it is worth this (albeit inflated in your biased inner view) price tag? Practice in front of a mirror. And start doing these actions.

Yes, I know it's scary! But you were building the Terror's Reach? Do you know what you will do in case of failure? Well, start already working on achieving success!

6. Take action

… And, of course, do not forget to allocate money for psychotherapy from the first decent salary. The described manual does not save you from internal problems - it only allows you to find means to solve them. Now on Skype you can find quite decent specialists surprisingly cheaply, many people I know personally have noted in my posts "Professional PR". Hurry up to use it.

This is not a movie, this is your life. And, unlike the movie, you can easily change it.

Good luck to you! I'm pretty sure you will gradually succeed.

Olga Podolskaya