How To Avoid Tantrums And Make Your Child Hear You?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Why don't you understand? I told you a hundred times !!!! How much can you do the same thing? I forbid you…. You can't do that !!! You must … You are punished ….

These phrases usually lead to nothing, except for our own powerlessness of our parents and anger or resentment of children, do not lead. For some reason, children completely refuse to hear and understand us. What is most interesting, if you talk to an adult in this manner, he will either immediately become dull, lowering his eyes, or will send you away.

American neuropsychiatrist Daniel Siegel explains that the behavior of children is associated with the underdevelopment of certain parts of the brain at this age. They mature at best by the age of 18. Therefore, expecting responsibility and consistency from children, as from an adult, is not worth it. But these convolutions can be reached and even gradually developed by building a correct dialogue with children.

Today we will consider two different child-parental conflicts and ways out of them.

The first situation … The child played for several hours on the phone when he promised to sleep. You can explode, snatch the phone from him and punish him. But then the child will be offended at you, may shout or cry, throw a tantrum that they have deprived of what they want, and believe that the world is unfair, and his parents are cruel dictators. The parent will most often blame himself for exploding, and because of this, he will feel a loss of strength and weakness. It turns out a vicious circle: Anger, guilt, powerlessness. There is another option. Ask the child how he would act in your place, whether it is worth punishing and, if so, how. The child will think, and those important parts for us that are responsible for prudence are activated. Hysteria is turned off at this moment. Most often, children come up with fair punishments. And the family conflict does not end with hysteria, but with a joint search for a way out of it. In such a dialogue, instead of fear and guilt in front of an adult, the child feels his own significance and responsibility for his actions. This method works well with both children and adolescents between the ages of 6 and 14.

Second situation … The cleanliness of the house. The child forgets to clean up things, toys, dishes from the table. You can shout, be offended, defiantly roll your eyes. And you can offer the child himself to introduce those penalties that he considers necessary for the fact that he forgot to clean up after himself. This may be some kind of small additional task. For example, dust off, go to the store, or take out the trash. Although in this case, you will also be awarded sanctions for your untidiness and forgetfulness. But, most importantly, such a way out of the conflict shows your readiness for dialogue and cooperation. Plus important bonuses for you - instilling in your child a culture of cleanliness in this way, you take off the extra hassle of cleaning and, by your own example, teach your child to resolve conflict situations peacefully through negotiations, respecting boundaries and the rules of tolerance. And this is so important not only in relationships, but also in business. That in the future, it is very likely that the grown-up child will need it.

Article author: gestalt therapist, crisis psychologist, head of the "Healthy Life" column Yulia Chayun