2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Initiative is a person taking a leading role in solving some uncertain life situation. However, is the initiative always appropriate?
A girl turned for advice, I will call her Anna, with a request to understand the behavior of her boyfriend, who offered to live separately for some time.
An analysis of the client's conflicts with her young man showed that it was she who took the initiative in them: she herself initiated a discussion of what did not suit her, she brought many of her counterarguments to his arguments, the first went to reconciliation. And the young man passively accepted it or chose avoidance tactics.
And now the girl (she looks definitely a leader, energetic, lively, cheerful outwardly, but with sad eyes, in which tears glittered from time to time), was going to take the first step according to her old habit. She rationalized her intention by the boy's timidity, his indecision.
“He doesn't want to be in conflict,” Anna said. - What does “conflict” mean to you? - Discuss openly who is not satisfied with what in the relationship, look for solutions. - It turns out that he does not want to look for solutions, since he avoids these discussions? - He offers solutions, but I do not accept his arguments, because they seem frivolous to me. As a result, our discussion turns into a dispute and it closes in, leaves. So with this separate living … He can not give a single reasonable argument for his action, except that he is tired. And what exactly are you tired of? Why do I strain him so much, I cannot understand? - Maybe distancing is, in his opinion, the only way to preserve your borders, your autonomy? Can you let go of the situation and let him decide what to do? - Yes, but … - Are you worried about something? - It's hard for me to just take and let go of the situation. I cannot live in peace, not being sure whether he will call or not.
- That is, if you do not take the initiative, he may not call? - Yes, I'm afraid of that. - Such a development of events is not excluded. And if you take the first step again, will you insist again? - Then he will strengthen in his conviction that I am stubborn and always act in my own way. Perhaps we will be together again, but for how long? How many times have I taken responsibility for myself before, and where have we come to? I'm tired of being in the role of a conqueror and constantly storming this fortress. When a person says that he is tired of a relationship and wants to live separately, it's like a lover would tell his mistress that he is tired of sleeping with her and now wants to sleep in another room. In the old days, rulers sent their annoying wife or mistress to a monastery. Perhaps he is tired of my constant initiative? - If you take responsibility for him all the time, he will not have a chance for this initiative or he will manifest it in another place or in another way. Living separately is his initiative, his area of responsibility. Hence, making such a decision, he accepts all possible consequences.
There are no right or wrong decisions, there are only optimal ones for a person.
I offered Anna some useful decision-making tools. One such tool is the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy exercise, Choice Review. If a person doubts what to do, he writes on a sheet of possible options for his actions with the advantages and disadvantages of each of them, choosing the most appropriate.
Recently, the topic of the initiative was discussed at the forum.
It turned out that the first to take the initiative is the one who has a stronger desire or need. Gender stereotype can also influence.
There is nothing wrong with taking the initiative. However, if from time to time your need for another person turns out to be stronger than his in you, this is a reason for reflection. What is the root of the problem - personal intemperance due to anxious attachment, or lack of interest in another person?
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