2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
If I don't stand up for myself, who will stand up for me?
If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, then when?
Escape from Freedom (Erich Fromm)
When they talk about codependent relationships, a picture of an alcoholic beating his wife immediately pops up in my head. In fact, the topic of codependent relationships is quite wide and the subject of discussion will be the concept of personality boundaries, both physical and mental, about the environmental friendliness of such relationships and the benefits that people receive in them for years.
It is worth distinguishing between two concepts: interdependence and codependency. Any long-term relationship is a certain system, an agreement between two people about the function and contribution that each of the participants makes. In proximity, as in a system of relationships, you make the choice. Co-dependence chooses you. That is, the choice is still made by you, but it is dictated by patterns of codependent behavior.
Healthy and sustainable development of relationships is only possible with freedom. When both partners know that they have freedom of choice and the right to voice their needs. In a codependent relationship, this is not possible.
Codependent relationships are always regulated by an agreement, for example: "I am good and tolerate your trips to the left, but you earn money and give it all to me." Or: “you are an alcoholic, but I tolerate you and everyone thinks what a“saint I am.”These are exaggerated examples, but in life there are many sophisticated forms of co-dependence, when both partners thus receive a secondary benefit. At first glance, everything can be decorous and noble., but the motives can be very different.
The patterns of this behavior are formed in childhood. In the early stages of development, each of us has a need to fulfill our needs. At first they are primitive: what to eat, what to wear, where to go to study … and this choice is made for you, the parent, or the person performing his function. As he grows, his own unique needs are formed. Separation from the parent occurs at the moment of taking responsibility for the choice. While they choose for you - guilt and dividends from choosing something else. And as soon as the choice is made, the burden of consequences is all yours.
Relationships in codependency repeat the model of relationships in the early stages of development. Instead of uncertainty and anxiety (will he / she like him, will he support him? Or maybe he will quit, if I say …), which we receive by showing our true need, a person follows a pre-patterned scenario. Only instead of constructive dialogues and discussions, feelings of guilt and resentment appear on the "scene". And they become such convenient means of getting what they want that it is almost impossible to refuse them.
What does a person get in a relationship when his need is satisfied by the "offender"? Suppression of feelings of anxiety. I'm talking about the anxiety behind this secondary benefit. And there can be anything: "I don't need anyone, even though she loves me", "my mother said that being a dummy is a shame", "I can't provide myself, and it's not bad with him, except for the nuances." …
Why is codependent relationships good? In them you do not need to make a choice and you do not risk anything. They are warm and safe. Relationships in this scenario can last for years. It is also worth saying that since there is no room for development in them, they look frozen. That is, as everything was 10 years ago, and now. The relationship is frozen, not alive.
In an INTERDEPENDENT relationship there is always a distinct feeling of oneself and the other, of one's feelings and the feelings of a partner. There is, of course, a chance to "burn out", but the "dividends" that you receive at the exit provide an opportunity for the development of a harmonious and harmonious union, in which you may not always hear approval and support. But the likelihood of satisfying your true desires increases significantly.
In addition, the value of such relationships is much higher, and over the years, as expensive wine only increases.
Personal development and individual therapy in such cases takes place in the key of the transition from codependent to interdependent relationships. The goal will be to define the dynamics of your own desires and apply them in your relationship by experiencing and accepting the reactions of your companion.
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