2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
It so happens that we find ourselves in a state of merging with our partner, when we cease to feel like a separate person, but only feel the state of us. Our "I" seems to disappear, we begin to forget what exactly we like, what we love, and what we want.
Of course, there are periods when such a state is mutual and natural, for example, sexual intimacy or a period of falling in love, or meeting after a long separation.
However, such a state of "we", unfortunately, cannot last forever, because each partner is still a separate person, with his own interests, feelings and desires. And there are things and tasks that we must do ourselves a priori. At least go to work, meet friends (separately), or at least pursue your hobbies or hobbies. We need this state of separateness so that we remember our "want", address our needs, and be able to share our opinions, impressions and discoveries. And also, to be ready to cope with the breakup, which can happen for various reasons. Ultimately, we are not all eternal.
Therefore, when the period of merging lasts too long, then the personality of each partner, as it were, dissolves in the other and disappears. And if the couple is not ready during the time to feel that it is time to move away, then the rupture of the merger can occur through conflicts, quarrels, scandals, abrupt departures and partings of partners.
In such acute periods, it is very difficult to remain (return) to your personality, it seems that you are completely alone, or sometimes even that you are not at all - without him, the other - as if you are not there.
This is close to the state in infancy, when the child is really helpless so much that if you leave him, then he really may not become - he will simply die.
And in adulthood, we may feel the same as in infancy, especially if your life story has the experience of "losing" a mom. It could be leaving you alone in the hospital because of the need for treatment, or your mom leaving you with other significant adults, in need of the same treatment, leaving, or another minor fight that the infant may perceive as a threat to his own life. And when we grow up we can repeat in adult life over and over again that experience in order to stay with the absent "mother", replacing her with partners and the desire to merge with them and never part.
The mere realization that I will not do this, unfortunately, will not help. And those who tried to say to themselves during the period of temporary distance from a partner - "I will not meet with him anymore, these temporary meetings tire me and I collapse after them," all the same ended up in these relations as soon as the partner appeared in visible proximity forgetting about everything that I thought earlier.
How can we maintain our boundaries and get out of the merger in a healthy resource state?
Perhaps the following can help:
1. To expand the circle of people with whom there can be intimacy (friends, relatives, colleagues) - do not limit only one partner, do not become isolated on him.
2. Ask yourself and go into closeness with other people, even if it is temporary.
3. Accepting closeness and support in the form and form that is given, and not waiting for ideal mutual and eternal intimacy - it is impossible. And now it is not needed, as it used to be in childhood.
4. Notice the signals of the other partner about the desire to distance themselves and listen to their own, to allow them to manifest themselves in the relationship.
5. Respect and value the feelings of the partner and their own at the moment of distance. Stay in touch, step back a little, to look again and get closer again, but a little later …
It's like a dance: you saw each other, became interested, became close, good, but dancing side by side and very close for too long is difficult. Therefore, you need to move away a little, show yourself again, be noticed by others and get closer with new feelings.
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