Living For Yourself

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

How sure are you that you live for yourself?

Do you often do what you really want to do? Or do you do it because someone else needs it, going against your will?

Admit it is familiar after all.

Have you ever wondered why this is happening?

We do what we don't want to do, mostly because we can't say no.

This is formed from childhood, when a child learns to interact with people, learns to recognize his desires and needs. For example: a parent tells the child to do some work, while the child replies that he does not want, and in response he hears that the parent does not accept this phrase, that her child cannot speak and that it is necessary to do what they said. This leads to the formation of an attitude - I have no right to say no / I need to do what I was told / my desire is not taken into account and the like.

So we understand in principle that it is not right to live according to these attitudes, but this has already taken root in our unconscious and now affects our life.

And in the end, we betray our interests. We spend our energy on others, doing what we don’t want, what doesn’t bring pleasure. In this way, we allow others to violate personal boundaries.

If you forget about your desires, do not pay attention to your feelings, frustration, tension, native emotions, stress, anxiety will arise and accumulate. As a result, it can lead to other serious consequences.

* Frustration is a mental state in a situation (real or perceived) that it is impossible to satisfy one's needs. In other words, the discrepancy between desires and capabilities *

Then how does one learn to say no?

To begin with, I suggest you remember the situations when you could not refuse.

And now you need to think carefully, perhaps return to childhood, and answer the question "what attitudes do you have that hinder you?" Write them down, rate them realistically - are they really true? Try to change them (for example: "I need to do what I was told" - "I have the right to decide what to do and what not"). Repeat them as many times as necessary until you feel that they have become meaningful to you. Later, also repeat them every day, then once a week. It takes time for new installations to replace old ones.

In addition to influencing attitudes, there are also the following reasons:

- you don't know yourself well. You don't fully understand what brings discomfort and what brings joy. You cannot understand and express what is needed at the moment.

- you worry about the relationship with the person, you are afraid of losing them. You think that if you refuse, the other person will be offended, angry. Or worry about what they think of you if you say no. But then you allow others to control your life, while taking responsibility for the other's possible feelings (for example: “he / she will not be offended if I just get wet, but if now I say that he / she offended me, then I will his guilty and he / she will get angry”).

It is important to understand that you have every right to refuse a request, just as another person has the right to ask you.

I think you yourself understand how important it is to be able to say “no”. Also, many people know that when a person realizes that someone always agrees, then they can start using it.

Here are some tips to help you say no:

1. Give yourself time to think. This will allow you to define your feelings about the request, to understand what exactly you want, and not immediately succumb to your unconscious attitudes. It will also give an opportunity to gain the determination to refuse the request.
2. Think about what you get by saying yes? Will it bring you pleasure, benefit, or will it only take away energy and frustrate you?
3. Share your feelings about the request itself or what needs to be done. Be sure to speak on your own and taking reference for your feelings, using the pronouns I (“I'm not interested in this”, “I'm sorry, but I can't help”)
4. Stop looking for an excuse for your decision to refuse. Everyone feels this and it will be more worthy to say no than to lie and evade an answer. At the same time, in order to smooth out the refusal, the sincere validity of the decision and the point above will help
5. And most importantly - respect yourself, learn to recognize your personal boundaries. First of all, respect personal feelings, and not take responsibility for others. You cannot refuse if you do not know yourself (the first reason). Stop thinking that you will lose your relationship if you refuse, what if it will improve them over time? After all, people will better understand your personal experiences and interests, and not use you.

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