About Childhood Fears

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Several years ago, a client came to me for a consultation - an adult woman who suddenly became very afraid of the dark. As it turned out during the consultation process, as a child, a woman was ashamed for manifestations of this fear, her parents refused to turn on the light at night when she woke up and was afraid. And now, in adulthood, her fear of the dark after certain stressful situations, which are not so few in the life of any person, began to intensify.

Childhood fears are perhaps one of the most common questions parents ask child psychologists. At the same time, childhood fears are most often a normal reaction of a small child to certain situations and phenomena.

Let us first dwell on the fact that fear is not just a “normal” emotion, but even a necessary one. It was fear and vigilance that once helped a person survive. It is known that the adult human brain has many more so-called "alarm zones" in comparison with the zones of joy and pleasure. Fear helps to mobilize all the forces of the body, for example, to escape or in order to fight off danger. And normally, an adult also experiences fear from time to time.

Children have many reasons for fear. Up to a certain age, a child is a small, defenseless and completely dependent on adults creature. How can one not be afraid here?

Psychologists distinguish several types of fears that both adults and children are exposed to.

The first type includes biological fearsthat we are all believed to be born with. These fears include the fear of darkness, height, depth, sudden unexpected sounds, and they often include the fear of snakes, spiders, various insects and animals. And in babies about the age of 4-5, it is precisely these fears that prevail, which are always based on a biological, natural fear for their life and health. By the way, it is biological fears that also include the fear of strangers and places unknown to the child. Therefore, if your baby is afraid of new people, this is not a reason to panic. Most likely, he just needs time to look around and get used to. And seeing that the mother is communicating with a new person, as if signaling to her baby that it is not dangerous here, the child will soon cease to be afraid.

The next type of fear is the so-called social fears … Already from the name it is clear that they arise when a child enters society - goes to kindergarten, to developmental groups, to school, finally. The most common fears here are of being rejected, rejected by peers, or ridiculed. It is believed that rejection is the worst for girls, and ridicule for boys. And, I must say that, unfortunately, practically no child is immune from this. Perhaps the best "antidote" for such fears is the unconditional acceptance of the child by the parents. When a child knows that he is good in himself, that for his mom and dad he is the best, the most beloved, no matter what. The child's sense of self "I am good, and everything is fine with me" is an important basis so that these fears do not have a detrimental effect in the future.

Another type of fear is existential fears … They can appear as early as adolescence, about 10-11 years. The child grows up, and at first realizes himself as a member of the family, then - as a member of a group (kindergarten, class), and in adolescence he begins to realize that he has a involvement in the whole of the human community. And, of course, he begins to think about the meaning of life, and about the secrets of the universe, as well as about disasters, wars, global environmental problems. Often it is in adolescence that a person develops, for example, a desire to join some volunteer movement, help homeless animals, and participate in environmental campaigns. Existential fears include fears of wars, catastrophes, fear of not finding their place in life. Often, the fear of death is also referred to as existential fears.

It seems that the fear of death is worth mentioning separately. Sooner or later, the child realizes this phenomenon, realizes that he is also mortal like all other people, and he somehow needs to come to terms with this awareness. It is believed that in childhood the fear of death passes through several "peaks" - this is 3-4 years, when the child first becomes aware of it; 7-8 years old and 9-12 years old. At the age of 7-8, this fear usually acquires altruistic traits in a child - the child is already trying to come to terms with the fact that someday the people closest to him will die, and begins to fear not about himself, but about relatives and friends. At 9-12 years old, this fear acquires just the very same existential coloration when the child begins to think about the meaning.

It can be difficult for adults to cope with these experiences of a child, especially a very young child. And here there is an important point, which is worth dwelling on in more detail. Often, mothers or grandmothers begin to assure the child that, for example, he will never die, distract him, avoid uncomfortable questions and this sometimes really difficult conversation. As a result of such adult behavior, the child may soon stop asking questions and will no longer mourn this unpleasant discovery with you. But this will not mean at all that he was able to cope with this fear on his own. Surrounding adults need to understand that by moving away from conversations and childhood experiences and sadness about death, they thus drown out their own anxiety, and do not help the child. Therefore, in order to help their child, first of all, the adults themselves need to understand - how do they themselves cope with this fear, what do they themselves believe in, what once helped them?

By the way, I really, really do not recommend scaring the disobedient or capricious children by saying that they will be "taken away by someone else's uncle" or "Baba Yaga will come" or "babayka". Many children at first try to cope with their fear of death by personifying it - and it is through the fear of various monsters and monsters that we can sometimes understand that the child has a fear of death. Therefore, when the closest people begin to scare the child with babies or strangers, they, in fact, scare the child with what he cannot cope with now, due to his age, he himself will not be able to. Is your child's psychological health worth such horror stories?

Usually children's fears last for a certain period, and then they seem to go away by themselves. But it so happens that fear begins to interfere with the child very much, it becomes obsessive. If this condition lasts more than three months and, moreover, is accompanied by problems with sleep, any repetitive actions (the so-called "ritual" movements - for example, the child needs to wear the same thing several times or be sure to wash his hands often, when there is no need for this), then this is a reason to consult a specialist.

What should parents do to support their child when he is afraid? To begin with, it is worth remembering what I already wrote above: it is natural for a small child to be afraid. In no case should the child be ashamed for his fear, regardless of the child's gender. For some reason, some parents, often dads, believe that a little boy is already a small adult who is able to resist his own fear. But in order to learn to resist your fear, first in the life of any child there must be an adult who is ready to support him and help him when he is afraid. In the animal kingdom, cubs are not sent on an independent hunt until they gain strength. People also have - your child is now learning to live, and in order for him to grow into a strong adult, he first goes through a period of absolute dependence. When a three or five-year-old boy is ashamed for being afraid, it is not strength and fearlessness that is really brought up in him, but helplessness and aggressiveness that is not justified in the future.

When a baby is afraid, then he must be signaled that we are with him and are ready to protect him, and for this it is not always necessary to even say something. The easiest way to do this is through bodily contact, when we hug our child, as if sending him the signal "I am with you." A hug as a gesture can also be seen as symbolic protection. You should not fumble under the bed with a flashlight if the child is afraid of someone sitting under the bed - sympathize better with your baby, perhaps ask about this monster under the bed in more detail. Psychologists have such an expression about fears: "the named demons cease to exist." By talking to your child about their fears, you are making it clear that you acknowledge and understand, rather than denying their feelings.

There can be many reasons for children's fears, in this article I focused on the types of so-called age-related fears that almost any child faces. But there are also the so-called provoked, instilled fears of children. But, I think that this is a topic for the subsequent conversation.