Finding Myself: My Self-Therapy

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Have you ever wondered how our psychotherapeutic activity would have turned upside down if we could meet with the progenitors of our direction, with those whose books we so eagerly read, which we heard about, watched on video?

I, like many psychology students, during my studies, thought a lot about the question of what would happen if I could meet with the masters in my favorite field. Although the school time has passed, but I still like to dream a little and, to be very frank, in my dreams I have assembled my own dream team: Carl Rogers, Virginia Satir, Abraham Maslow, Irving Polster, Irwin Yalom and of course James Bujenthal (I can it is safe to say that each of us has our own circle of master therapists). What unites my dream team for me is that they value the importance of self-determination, autonomy and inherent potential for growth. They all strive to provide optimal conditions for people so that they can grow despite the pressure of life circumstances.

I imagined what it would be like if each of these renowned experts could share with me their unique approach and help me understand myself, face my difficulties, and reach my maximum potential.

Seeking recognition. Step into the past

As far back as I can remember, I was not an excellent student and was not even good at. I have never understood why my classmates are trying so hard to get the highest score. For what? To curry favor?

Most of the school subjects were not just uninteresting to me, but the clear realization that I simply did not need them turned me away from deep study of them. I really didn’t like to read, but in the fifth grade I got a book: “How to Build Yourself and Your Family” by Virginia Satir. I did not immediately begin to read it, but my eye clung to the tattered little book, which was just lying on my table. I remember how, after reading the first pages, everything around grew dark, time stopped, the world around me ceased to exist and I plunged very deeply into words that carried great meaning.

Thus began my endless visits to the library. I remember how I first came to the district, stood at the entrance for a long time and did not dare to enter. It was in it, in the reading room, that all my travels to the world of psychotherapy and psychology took place. And even though I was still a child and did not realize why I so greedily absorb all this, why I study all this, now, many years later, I am grateful to myself, because it gave direction to the development of my path, becoming me who I am now …

Of course, I can't say that after school I knew who I wanted to be, it took me enough time to find my passion in life. I was always looking for something that would make me feel whole.

Why am I telling all this, once there was a period that was not very easy in my life and it was a turning point for me. Depressed and frustrated, I went into therapy, into therapy of my fantasy with my ideal team.

Virginia Satyr. First self-therapy

Satyr - Background: After attending one of my personal growth seminars, Stanislav approached me asking for personal therapy. I always with a great desire to help a person in the field of personal growth, I agreed to meet with Stanislav right away. When I met him during our first session, I had the feeling that he had the motivation to grow, but he just needed a little guidance to help him stay on his path.

Stas: I know that I have to be ready to move on, but I still feel so sad. I would like to just ignore my feelings, but there seems to be no escape.

Satyr: I think it's great that you are so in touch with your feelings now. It may have helped if you could think of these feelings as the "glue" that holds you together and makes you see yourself better, think better, feel better. By owning these emotions, you can actually feel more alive.

Stas: This sounds much better than advice about trying to deal with these feelings. But how can I get out? I just don't understand why I can't move on in my life!

Satyr: We are always trying to change what was part of our life, it is so tempting, the desire to stay with something familiar. Oftentimes, when we try to take one step forward, it brings us back. This struggle is certainly common. Just ask how difficult it has been for someone who has ever tried to quit smoking, or change any of their habits.

Stas: It definitely helps me to see things in perspective. But how do you suggest I break my "habit"?

Satyr: Changing yourself is one of the hardest things in the world. I think the most important tools you should have now are faith and forgiveness for yourself. Your faith will help you move forward in your determination to grow, and your forgiveness will help you keep going. I can see how determined you are, and I know that you are going to keep moving forward, and eventually you will be able to do so.

Stas: Thank you for your support. But, I must admit, what is said about those who retreat scares me the most. I just don’t know how to find the strength and courage to move on when I feel that I have taken a step back.

Satyr: You can give yourself a choice of what you want to do next. After all, you are building yourself, making yourself what you will be next.

Stas: I really like this idea. That is, if I don't like the way I do something, I have the choice to do it differently.

Satyr: Exactly. I think the key to life is to change something when the situation calls for it, and find ways to accommodate yourself to the new and the different. But it is still important to keep some of the old, what else will come in handy, and throw away what is no longer there.

Stas: Your advice concerns how to change what has not worked for a long time, but to hold on to what is still “alive”. This means that I don't have to start from the beginning.

Satyr: That's right. You already have a good start on your journey. Let me read to you what I wrote a few years ago that might motivate you to go further in the process of change: "I am me. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. I have the tools to survive, to be close to other people, to be productive. I am me and I am fine."

Satyr summing up: During the next session, I helped Stanislav develop ways to deal with his experiences. I helped him understand that in our life, problems are not something finite. In the end, he saw the severance of past relationships as an opportunity for positive change that would ultimately make him stronger for the coming "bumps in the road." Over the next few months, Stas developed self-esteem to deal directly with many of the day-to-day problems he faces in life. I watched with enthusiasm as he changed and how he grew stronger and stronger with each of these encounters. During our last meeting, he admitted: "It is much easier to face a problem directly than to try to find the strength to avoid it."

Irwin Yalom: the confrontation of the existential given here and now. Second self-therapy

Yalom - background: I received an e-mail from Stanislav, who wrote to me how my book "Existential Psychotherapy" made a big enough impact on his life. He expressed a great desire to consult with me in his existential quest, and I agreed to meet with him.

Yalom: Good afternoon, Stanislav - it's really nice to meet you in person.

Stas: Oooh, thanks. Uh, I'm a little nervous right now. I've admired your work for so long and I just can't believe that you are truly in front of me now!

Yal: It's nice to know that you are able to appreciate my work.

Stas: Do not think that I am your fan or something like that, but in many ways, the book changed my life. Especially my ability to start letting go of the painful experiences of my past relationships.

Yal: Now I'm curious. What in the book helped you start moving on in your life?

Stas: Where to start? Let's see … well, the basis of our motivation and experience is the "existential cornerstone" that makes us aware, at some level, of existential given - life, death, isolation, freedom and meaninglessness, in fact it came into resonance with me. At first, this concept was just somehow abstruse for me, but the more I absorbed the words of your book, I realized that this lies at the origins of my main life problems.

Yal: Yes, I have noticed it, over and over again, on both a conscious and an unconscious level, these "givens of existence" constitute the main struggle of humanity. It is these ultimate problems that provide the basic “process and content” for therapy.

Stas: Your book convinced me of this! While I was in the middle of reading the chapter on death, I thought and dreamed a lot about it. In fact, one night I had my worst nightmare, that death was literally at my door and I had to use all my strength to protect myself from it. Before this dream, I did not understand how much I really feared my own death. And so, when I realized this, I realized that my unwillingness to let go of the past represents my attempts to calm my fears of death, and in fact, it was a kind of rescuer who would protect me from death.

Yal: Wow, what an insight.

Stas: It's interesting that when I was able to resist the inevitability of my own death at such a deep level, I became more active in my life.

Yal: It is the paradox of accepting death, although the physicality of death destroys us, the idea of death saves us.

Stas: I also found a similar paradox regarding existential isolation. I realized that my irrational desire for unconditional rejection of the past was in fact a form of denial of my existential isolation. But when I was able to confront reality, I realized that I was ultimately fighting alone and felt much less alone!

Yal: As you have found, the fear of existential isolation is the driving force behind many interpersonal relationships. But true relationships do not use “others” as functional to defend against existential isolation.

Stas: Your book also gave me the opportunity to work through my thoughts about freedom. Your concept of freedom is everything that ultimately everyone is responsible for their life and always has the choice to ultimately make (or not) a decision and change their life if necessary, pretty much the very core of their entire perspective in life. …

Yal: I have found that many people are actually intimidated by the notion of freedom, which assumes that there is a "groundlessness" underneath that is missing from any form of structure. But you, it seems, can already change your life in the process of feelings, desiring, choosing, acting, and changing.

Stas: My recent implementation is based on this concept - that I am the one who is responsible for my meaningless, and my decision to look for alternative options, who I am and what I want, brought me an incredible sense of freedom and new opportunities! Your idea that we are responsible for our own life and well-being has become my new mantra!

Yal: As I have always said, until a person is aware of their own role in contributing to their problems, there can be no motivation for change.

Stas: I really believe in this idea! In the final part of the book, the part about meaninglessness, it really gave me a lot of food for thought.

Yal: Oh yes, the mystery of the meaning of life … Since the beginning of time, people have struggled with the classic existential dilemma of finding meaning and confidence in the world.

Stas: I fell in love with your idea of participation in life, as an antidote to meaninglessness.

Yal: Yes, it’s better to accept, an interaction solution, rather than become obsessed with the problem of meaninglessness. I found that it was necessary to simply dive into the river of life and let this question drift in the background.

Stas: I totally agree. And, I've found that striving to fulfill your own meaning is a completely satisfying way of living.

Yal: Wow, so I see that you've really explored these existential concepts in a way that makes sense to you. It sounds like you were able to test the theory in practice.

Stas: I think so. If the whole point of theory is really to serve as a framework and help achieve a sense of order and control in a world of chaos, then I think I find mine!

Yal: It's so good to know that my books have been able to bring you so much understanding into your life.

Yalom Outcome: Stanislav continued to meet with me on a weekly basis until the end of the summer. As our sessions progressed, he focused less on intellectual topics and more created the here and now space between us. During our last session, Stanislav explained to me why our therapeutic relationship was so valuable to him. With tears in his eyes, he told me that now he can truly understand my maxim in psychotherapy, that it is "a relationship that heals."

He explained that he especially liked my approach, where I saw us as "fellow travelers" in a world full of the tragedies of inherent existence, and he appreciated how I could be both an observer and a participant in his life. Stanislav realized that what was most useful in our meetings, authenticity, authenticity, transparency, ultimately allowed him to discover these qualities. At the end of our last session, he said, "Thank you for the therapy you have given me as a gift."

Self-knowledge

My self-discovery therapy encounters inspired me with the idea to learn more about myself. When I began my healing journey, using the teachings of Karl Rogers of precise empathy, unconditional positive attitude, sincerity, it made it easier for me to begin to see my true self. My meetings with Virginia Satir helped me understand and begin the process of change. My sessions with James Bujenthal made me aware of my unvoiced anger, while my gestalt work with Erving Polster encouraged me to express that anger. After Irwin Yalom gave me a valuable foundation for understanding my life, my here-and-now, meeting him allowed me to experience the healing power of a therapeutic relationship. Finally, my work with Abraham Maslow offered me an opportunity to reflect and appreciate my paths to self-actualization.

Although, like all specialists, I attended personal therapy, it was still a discovery of my inner truth that brought me back to life. My therapeutic journey has enabled me to identify and overcome obstacles to my growth while recognizing my potential. By following the path of self-reflection, introspection and openness to new experiences, I had the opportunity to participate more fully in achieving meaningful goals and making sense of my life's experiences.

I do not stop there and will continue on my way. And I hope someday I will write a similar thing with a description of those self-therapies that remained in my thoughts.