Argument. Instructions For Use

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The truth should be served politely, like a coat, and not thrown in the face like a wet rag

Mark Twain

Honey, let's make up

Let's make up ?! Yes, we still have to swear and swear before we can make up

Quotes from life

Whoever has never quarreled, let him get up, or let him throw a stone at me first, according to his mood.

A couple completely incapable of quarreling is not viable. This is not me, the scientists have figured it out. The most alarming symptom is when even quarreling is no longer interesting. It is very important to understand that conflicts are necessary. But in a quarrel you are not fighting with each other, but for such a precious "we". It is sad when there is no longer any desire to fight for our "we". A quarrel or conflict is part of the path when we break the balance to find it on a different level. When we open up an old wound to release the pus. When we tear down the dilapidated in order to build something new.

Quarrels can arise from disagreement, power struggles, the need to be right, inability to concede, fatigue, hunger, feelings of dissatisfaction with yourself, or anything, just because you are two different people.

John Gutman, a psychologist researcher at the University of Washington, has been researching the secrets of long-lived couples. What keeps couples together for years when many unions do not fight? One of my friends said, "This is all nonsense. Couples who stay together for years just decide not to get divorced. That's all." Perhaps there is a grain of truth in his words. But let's find out what the researchers think.

First, Gutman argues that there are no couples who don't fight. But stable couples fight less often. He has watched couples for over 20 years. Secondly, in

Whereas couples who did not last four years together developed a certain pattern of behavior that makes it possible to predict their separation. They did not know how to quarrel at all, for example. Or conflicts were avoided at any cost, and as a result the problem grew to the size of a universal catastrophe. In unstable couples, Gutman also found ineffective communication methods: criticism, lack of empathy, inability to listen, and lack of respect and respect for the partner.

Do we always remember this? Do we have enough tenderness, understanding, tact and ordinary politeness? And how many "nails on the road" are there in our communication that are capable of piercing the tire of any marriage?

The four most dangerous nails are:

Criticism: an assault on a partner, usually indicating a spouse's mistakes. With a critic, you always feel as if an accusing finger is directed at you. "You never … take out the trash, come on time, buy bread, put things in place …" Or you are constantly labeled: "You are sloppy, insensitive, do not devote enough time …"

Humiliation: An attack on the personality of a spouse with the aim of offending and wounding. Offensive nicknames, sarcasm, aggressive gestures, shouting. "Our donut as usual at the refrigerator", "Less than 10 years have passed since you defended your diploma", "Never mind, she is always digging", "Be quiet, you will pass for a smart one" …

Self-deprecation: The spouse, or both, consider themselves a victim of circumstance. They do not take responsibility and try to reject the partner's claims with the help of constant complaints, excuses and disputes. You can't even really quarrel here - a decent person does not hit someone who is lying down.

Self-deprecation: The spouse, or both, consider themselves a victim of circumstance. They do not take responsibility and try to reject the partner's claims with the help of constant complaints, excuses and disputes. You can't even really quarrel here - a decent person does not hit someone who is lying down.

Ignoring: Passive aggressive behavior that can hurt just as badly as direct aggression. Long silence, changing the topic of conversation, demonstrative exit from the room, or short answers that do not allow dialogue. Classic is, of course

According to Gutman, if you find that all the "nails" listed above are found in your family communication, the chance that your marriage will not "go further", alas, is close to 90%.

If it is necessary to quarrel, then what are the rules of an honest quarrel, which does not lead to the disintegration of relations, but preserves them? Here are a dozen non-martial arts laws I've collected from various family conflict experts:

1. Move from accusations to "I messaging". The accusation usually begins with "you", and the "I message" first of all communicates your own feelings, and then describes the behavior of the partner. Not "You never pick up your children on time!"

2. Forget about how many insults and malicious nicknames you have accumulated … The use of such words is tantamount to a blow. Maintain mutual respect. Do not call each other names, do not say nasty things about each other, about your loved ones, or about what is dear to your partner. It hurts a lot and lasts a long time. I’m even somehow uncomfortable, but if Gutman mentions this, then I will also say: physical influence is absolutely unacceptable. And it's not just about the beatings. Pushing, shaking, or dragging by the hand, for example, can also be very traumatic.

3. Focus on solving the current problemwithout adding fuel to the fire. and not remembering the old "accounts". Do not quarrel "with the trailer" - according to the principle "and here you are 13 years ago at the anniversary of my mother …" Whatever it was, your claims will not correct the situation at that time, and will greatly complicate the current one. Please save your memories for another, more convenient occasion.

4. Don't hit below the belt. As in professional martial arts, there are areas in fights that should not be touched upon. Each of the spouses knows where the other has a sore callus and knows how to hurt the other. But the strength of a relationship is measured, among other things, by the confidence that the other will never hit a sore spot.

5. Choose a time to quarrel. Do not vent your anger on your partner when he is at work, with children, in the middle of a business meeting, etc. Set up a time to talk. And tell me what to talk about when you put the kids to bed. A brawl like this is better for many reasons.

• both of you won't boil anymore
• your partner will prepare for the conversation and know what to say
• you will not have the background noise that often prevents us from focusing on the essence of the conflict

6. Get out of the usual scenery. Do not quarrel where you love each other and where you are happy. If you have such an opportunity, go to quarrel in the park, on the street, on the seashore, in a cafe, etc. Breaking out of the usual scenery often gives the conflict completely different proportions.

Quarrels are not only between two. Unfortunately, we still quarrel with our parents both personally and in our heads:

5. Choose a time to quarrel. Do not vent your anger on your partner when he is at work, with children, in the middle of a business meeting, etc. Set up a time to talk. And tell me what to talk about when you put the kids to bed. A brawl like this is better for many reasons.

• both of you won't boil anymore
• your partner will prepare for the conversation and know what to say
• you will not have the background noise that often prevents us from focusing on the essence of the conflict

6. Get out of the usual scenery. Do not quarrel where you love each other and where you are happy. If you have such an opportunity, go to quarrel in the park, on the street, on the seashore, in a cafe, etc. Breaking out of the usual scenery often gives the conflict completely different proportions.

Quarrels are not only between two. Unfortunately, we still quarrel with our parents both personally and in our heads:

7. Fight in private. You don't need witnesses - parents, children, brothers and sisters, friends, colleagues, etc. You then make up, and they will have a residue. For the same reason, try not to publicize your quarrels to the world. Remember this

8. If the choice is between being right or happy, try making the choice toward happiness.… If we fight for the rightness, our partner turns out to be wrong. No one likes to be wrong, which means that the battle for the right to be right arouses reciprocal hostility and a desire to fight until the "victory", and not until the conflict is resolved and not even until the "first blood". It doesn't always matter who is right. Sometimes it is better to admit a misunderstanding and then decide what to do with it now, without handing out any sticks or carrots.

9. Try to hear your partner. Listening and hearing this, after all, are two big differences. When the person next to you gets angry, screams and rages, he tries to say something, wants to be heard. Listen carefully and try to understand what he is trying to tell you. If your husband shouts that you are scattering everything all the time, and he has to clean up after you, perhaps he wants to say that it is important for him that you appreciate his time and effort.

10. Find out exactly what your partner wants from you. Ask again if you understood him correctly and clarify the details, sticking to the facts, and not forgetting about the feelings that the loved one is experiencing. More often than not, the story is much simpler and less dramatic if you figure it out. "Are you mad that I don't answer calls right away when I'm at work?"

11. If you need to calm down and recover, before you sort things out, tell your partner about it. Agree that you will be sure to discuss what worries him. But for now, you just have to air out, take a shower, think it over - whatever. The main thing is that you need a pause.



12. Remember about the olive branch of the world. If you think that you have expressed, clarified, conveyed, etc., you don’t need to hammer anything into your partner’s head with a jackhammer, and you don’t need a regular one either. Let the person save face and at least assimilate your requirements a little