2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Andrey Zlotnikov for TSN Blogs
If a man no longer wants sex with his significant other, she should not sit back
Just now they suggested that I take part in the discussion of this topic on the radio. The topic is hot, relevant - the boom of calls. Mostly men called and bragged about their super-duper abilities. And there are many questions about their content. After all, discussing intimate life on the radio is strange. It's like inviting thousands of people to your bedroom, and publicly, like this, you live great. In general, the discussion with the callers did not work out. Women complained about men, men advertised their accomplishments, some tried to discount the importance of sex.
Usually, the psychologist is not told about this topic from the start. Still, the taboo on sex in society remains. Only when the client begins to trust a little, he can lift the veil and show how he is doing in this area.
So let's try together to figure out why a couple might stop having sex.
Lack of a culture of communication
"My man does not want me …" - a lot depends on the intonation with which this phrase is pronounced. If a woman pronounces it harshly, bitingly, viciously, then most likely she really wants to express this idea a little differently. For example, like this: "This goat is clever, does not want a beauty, but how dare he!"
Here and wounded pride, and devaluation of the partner. Is dialogue possible if a woman is so inclined? When one partner is on top and the other is on the bottom, sex is possible, but dialogue is definitely not.
But if a woman says to her man: “We haven't had an intimate relationship for two months. Has something happened? Let's talk about it,” then the conversation will work out.
Then it is important that the man does not "blunder", and in response to this speech does not begin to talk about headaches, fatigue or an important battle in "Tanks".
Each of their partners must remember: he has the right to declare his need for attention and communication. Thirty minutes is not a lot, but during this time you can do a lot of work to strengthen the relationship.
Can not
If the reason is that the partner has health problems (especially in the sexual sphere), because of which he cannot be sexually active, you need to give him the necessary help, attention and care. Remember, the topic of sexual dysfunction is taboo for many, and telling your partner that something is wrong can seem like something outrageous. For example: impotence, urological / venereal disease caught up, you need to figure out where, with whom, but that later.
The main thing in this case is not to remain silent (silence, as you know, activates fantasy, especially in women). And in parallel - to run to the doctor to take tests, consult.
Psychological castration
I'll make a reservation right away that no one cuts anything off, this is a psychological metaphor for a feeling of complete hopelessness in one of the partners. For example, after sex, the spouse in a rather casual tone, as they say about going to the store, asks: "Have you already? Finally! Now sleep." Or in a company he says about his husband in front of him: "Yes, he is enough for two minutes at most. Ha-ha-ha." What are the chances that a man will have an erection and desire for this woman after such statements? Half past five guaranteed! So, dear women, do not chop … in general, you get the idea.
Revenge, resentment
Childhood adult behavior. You did not give me, you didn’t give me so - now I will take revenge and my revenge will be terrible! Boycott, celibacy for a year. I will not look in the direction of yours. Hopefully, I'll sit in the corner in front of the computer and get angry. And I will not burst, you do not hope!
This situation reminds me of an old English fairy tale about an old man and an old woman who could not agree on who would close the door and decided: whoever said the word lost. The robbers came, they carried everything out, but for them the dispute and the principle were more important.
This is how partners can rob each other, denying themselves and the other in love and care because of petty grievances. The recipe for treatment is simple - come up, hug, say something affectionate and gentle. It would seem that what could be simpler? But how many people, because of their grievances and pride, cannot come up and say: "I love you, you are an important and important person for me. I want everything to be good with us." But these words could save more than one marriage.
Eventually
A normal male, a healthy man wants sex - this is provided for by millions of years of evolution on the planet. Where does he usually go with his sexual energy? At best, a man becomes a workaholic, exhausting himself physically and mentally to the point where he no longer wants to.
The second option is masturbation, watching pornography. Such sex for men is safe in every sense, because then no one will question his "ability". The third option is a mistress. At home - warmth, comfort, everyday life. On the side - hot sex. A storm of passions and emotions.
All three options also apply to women who are left without attention from their men. Most often in a toga, this leads to the same result - divorce.
However, there is also a positive point in ignoring a partner. If he is attentive and a woman is important to him, then he will understand that by this you want to say something. There is a chance to clarify problems, work out relationships. Even if at the end of the discussion you hear "I don't love you anymore" - it's still better than living in illusions.
That being said, it is important not to start playing the relationship instead of building it up
Psychotherapist Stefan Karpman in 1968 described the three roles that people play in life dramas - Victim, Rescuer, and Persecutor.
However, in reality it is really just a game. As transactional analyst Claude Steiner points out, the Victim is not really as helpless as he feels; The Rescuer doesn't really help, and the Pursuer doesn't really have a valid claim.
Let me explain what I mean. For example, she is a victim. Eh, if she knew what kind of goat she was marrying, then she certainly would not have made such a mistake. After all, the duties of a husband include joys by default. He is an aggressor and a bastard, because he may not do anything. Children are lifeguards. For their sake, I continue to live with this villain.
Let's look at the situation through his eyes. He is a victim. There is no fire in it that was before. And with an insensitive log you don't want to. She is the aggressor. Requires what I do not want to give her. A lover is a savior. Gives me what I want. Inspires, awakens energy. With her, I feel like a real man.
It turns out such a kaleidoscope with a change of roles. Partners can change them depending on how the plot develops and … only worsen the situation.
Destructive family games are famously described by Eric Berne in his book Games People Play (The Psychology of Human Relationships). Read E. Berne - simple and useful.
In closing, however, I want to talk about the importance of sex in relationships. Having sex, a person implements a wide range of roles:
- Somatic (bodily) roles: I feel warmth, feel touch, kissing, stroking, penetrating, etc.
- Psychological: I am feeling pleasure, joy, care, tenderness, closeness, aggression.
- Interpersonal (social) - I interact with you.
- Transcendental (something for humanity) - we make children, future generations.
So have sex, be fruitful and multiply. If a couple has problems - clarify, communicate, talk, give tenderness and love, not forgetting about gifts.
If you can't cope yourself - contact a psychologist, sexologist, urologist. Let me remind you that if problems are solved, they are solved.
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