2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
“Tomorrow everything will be different for me. Tomorrow … Definitely tomorrow. You just have to live to see this cherished Tomorrow …"
The belief that your life will magically change makes you wait, makes you believe in a miracle, believe in a fairy tale. Sometimes a lifetime goes by in a state of anticipation.
However, after Today comes the next day, the next day and the next day … Nothing changes in your life. Mysterious and incomprehensible Tomorrow remains unknown and unknown, alluring and melting in a thick fog of hopes.
Over time, imperceptibly, but very confidently and irrevocably, in your life there is a bitter taste of depression and sticky disappointment, with whom you have to meet old age or work in a psychotherapist's office.
People who cherished the hope that life would start from Tomorrow, but were disappointed with the expectation, are about 40 and older. These are men and women, tired, haggard. They come and expect the therapist to help them cross this insurmountable border.
“… Anya sat and looked out the window. For many years she dreamed of a family, about children and about him. The supper was cooling down, the snowflakes melted on the windowsill, tears ran down my cheeks. The silence was broken by the clatter of the hands of the clock. Loneliness and inner emptiness, like a black hole, consumed thoughts and desires. Several hours will pass in this way. Anya already knew this. Their relationship lasted 12 long years. During this time, she studied her reactions. First she will dry her tears, then she will throw dinner in the bin and go to bed. And tomorrow … Oh, it's an alluring Tomorrow. Tomorrow everything will be different. Tomorrow he will call, apologize for not being able to come, and make a new appointment. Will bring a gift and flowers. But, besides this, it is Tomorrow that he will finally tell her that he can no longer live in two houses, divorce his wife and make her life the way she dreamed of all these years from meeting to meeting with him. With such thoughts it is much easier to fall asleep in a cold lonely bed with tears, in anticipation of this magical TOMORROW …"
“… Tanya looked in the mirror and did not see herself. Other eyes looked in the reflection, not hers, dull and tired. For several years she dreamed of a vacation, an exhibition of her paintings and his support and admiration. The dinner has cooled down … The children fell asleep, as usual, without seeing their father. She herself could not see him for several days. I had to wait until midnight to meet, to show him that she loved him and was waiting for him. Today he will come again late and tired. Hug her in a hurry and fall asleep without having dinner. Today she again will not be able to tell him about her dreams. But tomorrow! Tomorrow will probably be different. Tomorrow … Yes, exactly tomorrow, he will probably come early and he will have time not only for business phone calls and buying stylish clothes! Tomorrow he will want to talk to her and will definitely hear about her dreams. And they will go to the sea, there she will paint several new paintings, they will plan an exhibition there. Tomorrow, all tomorrow! Tomorrow she will be happy …"
“… Nadia sat down on a stool in the kitchen. Midnight. The TV is quiet in the room. He's watching football. Today, everything is as usual: she came running from work (a couple of new clients and many old ones make it possible to rent an apartment, buy expensive groceries and dress in fashion), cooked dinner, met him, smiling, fed him, chatted, and cleaned. And sat down on a stool. He watches football, and she looks over her whole life. He is her fifth hope for happiness. The first drank, the second was jealous, the third did not want to work, the fourth … Yes, the usual fourth. The same as all the previous ones and this fifth one. The fifth is also ordinary - he does not want to strain, does not think about the future, does not worry about her and their relationship. She always waited and looked for the Other. Such that he could understand her desires and take care of her and that she was happy. Of course, at 40 you have to be glad that there is at least one like that. But it's not for nothing that my mother called her Nadezhda. And she still hopes: maybe this fifth man will change, maybe he will understand what kind of man she needs, or maybe tomorrow she will meet the sixth, the Other she dreamed of? And maybe, finally, she will feel happy. Yes Yes Yes! This will happen! And certainly Tomorrow …"
Imaginary reality … We all live in our own imaginary world. It is convenient for someone to see everything in pink, all their people are kind, kind and there is no place for quarrels and intrigues, someone habitually thinks that the world is cruel and unfair, and is waiting for the next knife in the back to confirm their assumption. And each of them is right in their own way, confirming their imaginary reality.
It is easier for our heroines to hope and dream that life will give them its main gift Tomorrow, that happiness, which is so close and so possible, will surely happen only Tomorrow, and today the time has not yet come. And the imagination draws an ideal picture of happiness, where everything that your heart desires will be. And you have to live in anticipation of this imaginary reality, displacing from consciousness the fact that reality is what is happening here and now. And this "here and now" is already unbearably gray and hopeless. And the fact that Tomorrow is an imaginary fantasy, a dream that day after day remains only a dream and there is less and less strength to wait.
Why does this relationship last for years? Why does nothing change in the lives of these women? Why, despite the existing psychological methods of visualization, their dreams do not come true?
If you read their stories carefully, then this mystery is not that difficult. All their dreams are associated with TO OTHERS human. This is HE must decide to change their relationship, this HE should help her organize her exhibition and her vacation, this HE must take care of her and make her happy.
Deliberately shifting responsibility for their life to another person, they deprive themselves of the authorship of their own life and the possibility of its conscious living and experience
Until a certain turning point, they manage to escape responsibility for their Today, blaming others for their unsettled life, illusoryly dreaming that someone will be able to organize and decorate their beautiful Tomorrow.
but disappointment in everyday gray everyday life, in that incomprehensible Friend and in himself, after several years of waiting, begins to breathe in his back the cold of depression, despair and fear of loneliness.
Psychoanalyst James Hollis said: “In the second half of our lives, we have to abandon two great fantasies: that, unlike other people, we are immortal and that somewhere there lives a“Kind Wizard”, a“mystical Other”who can save us from existential loneliness.
Being engaged in analytical psychotherapy, I realized that the formation of a mature personality directly depends on the extent to which a person can take responsibility for their choices, stop blaming others or expect deliverance from them, and also recognize the pain associated with their loneliness, regardless of their contribution to the formation of social roles and the strengthening of social relations."
Someone has the courage to abandon these fantasies, some do not. In any case, each story will have its continuation and its end, including or excluding the expected Tomorrow …
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