Children As An Illusion Of The Meaning Of Life

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Svetlana is a little over thirty, although by her appearance it is difficult to understand whether she is twenty or all forty-five. A tired woman with obvious traces of chronic lack of sleep, plump, tortured. However, it is understandable - she has three children with a small age difference, the youngest just went to kindergarten. She came to therapy with the classic wording “Confused” - the relationship with her husband is tense, it’s scary to go to work, she doesn’t like it and… wants a fourth child.

One of the characteristics of therapists is to ask bizarre questions about what seems obvious right off the bat. Sometimes these questions seem downright impolite. But I really want to clarify something. And I ask, without thinking twice: “Sveta, why ?! Why do you want a child now? " The girl (and looking closely, I already see in her a young girl, and not an "aunt" - behind all the fatigue and "mother's" clothes, behind all this everyday and adult - an almost childish look and a completely young smile) takes my question "with hostility" … As if I had already begun to discourage her or promote the childfree philosophy. We have to clarify, they say, I am neutral and respectful to the very desire, I just clarify for myself - WHY. Well, to understand the motivation. No, answers like “because I love children” or “four children is normal” do not suit me, I didn’t ask “why” and even more so I didn’t specify what is the norm. And here Sveta thinks. She does not know. She does not get enough sleep, does not have time for anything, for several years now she has not had any life of her own, relations in the family, as I have already mentioned, are tense. The husband complains about the lack of attention, about the disorder in the house, and sometimes even hints that the wife has "grown ugly" and it is time for her to take care of herself. It's terribly insulting, in fact, and clearly not a sign of a healthy relationship in a couple, which is already there. But this must be dealt with separately. For now, I'm just trying to find out what the need is behind the desire to have another child. An excellent desire, I must say. I don't see anything wrong with him, in fact, I just want a person to be aware of what and why he really wants.

A little conversation, a little associations and "stupid" questions on my part, and Svetlana still gives an honest answer, which surprises her herself. It seems to her that the birth of a child will solve all her problems, or, more precisely, postpone their solution for an indefinite period. She will not have to decide anything and, in principle, change nothing. During pregnancy and infancy of the new baby, at least. She will not have to go to work, or rather, look for this very job. There will be no need to re-adapt to social life, from which it has so noticeably dropped out over the years of endless decrees. There will be no need to lose weight, as her husband wants. And generally do something for your appearance. There will be no need to clarify the relationship with her husband at all and change something in the family structure: who will reproach the mother of four children, one of whom is still breastfeeding, that the house is a mess, and there is not enough time for anything. In fact, she won't have to decide anything at all. Her life will again find the meaning introduced by motherhood, and it will be the usual "work of the body" and the performance of routine, albeit tedious, physical tasks, and not attempts to master a new experience, primarily mental.

During further work, we identified the main problems. Lack of self-confidence, lack of understanding of one's own needs, lack of meaning in life, confidence in one's own worthlessness - a complete set. Relations with my husband, as I guessed, are also "lame" - part of this uncertainty is sown by his devaluating comments and reproaches that he made to her for many years - also, by the way, more from misunderstanding than "from evil." But the main problem was precisely the lack of understanding “where to live”. Sveta reproached herself for the fact that she could not do anything, did not achieve anything and would not achieve anything, she was afraid to communicate with other people. It seemed to her that if she tried to go to work, her “stupidity” and “worthlessness” (quotes from the self-characteristics of Sveta herself) would immediately come out, everyone would understand how weak and confused she really was. But in motherhood, it is much easier to prove her worth: how to endure, give birth, feed, Sveta already knows, and all claims to her from others can be easily nullified by reminding her that her family comes first. By the way, here, too, everything is not so simple - Svetlana does not know what to do with grown-up children. She provides them with comfort, care, warmth, delicious food, but growing up scares her. She cannot talk heart to heart, discuss topics that are more difficult than homework and favorite dishes. Not because she is a "stupid hen" (as the heroine is trying to devalue herself). Sveta actually has a good education, a great sense of humor and once had a lot of friends. She just thinks that even the eldest daughter, a first-grader, is about to laugh at her or simply stop respecting her, because Sveta herself feels her life as empty, worthless, and herself as petty, stupid, tired of a "household". And there is nowhere to escape from this "everyday life", because she is afraid to try to invest her strength in something else. Afraid that she will not cope.

This is just one of the stories of a woman trying to find the meaning of life in motherhood and not finding it. Believe me, I am not against children, and even more so I am not going to refute the fact that children bring a lot of joy, happiness, and yes, that very meaning to life. But only not when women choose motherhood as a way to escape from themselves, as an attempt to get away from fears, as the illusion that everything is fine. Just from the appearance of another child in the house, there will come a lot of joy and anxiety, laughter and tears, pride and victories - and a lot of things. But the problems will not be solved by themselves only due to the fact that the family will be replenished with one more person, even if it is the most wonderful person in the world. Imagine, is it easy for a baby who has been entrusted with the most difficult task from birth - to save his mother from her fears, to be the only meaning of her life, to keep her afloat?