2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Most often, when it turns out during therapy that it is not only possible, but also normal to be angry with parents, clients freeze in a silent question. Well, because in the minds of the absolute majority, being angry with parents is seditious and terrible horror. Well, because your mother gave birth to you, grew up, and you are ungrateful
It must be admitted that we are in general trouble with "negative" feelings. As with feelings in general. It's good if in a child's family it was possible to talk about achievements and brag about them at least. But there are many families in which bragging is a sin, because let others judge you. Got an A on the test? Well, let's be honest, you are not in a gymnasium, you are not the strongest class and you have not solved the most difficult problems, you can do better. Won first place in the competition? So not in the country, in the city, but in our small town, if only in the country at least - then yes, it would be possible. And then.
So I often play the role of a sorceress and, with a wave of a magic wand (a nod of my head, in fact) “give the go-ahead” to be angry with my parents.
Sometimes there is nothing in the parent-child relationship other than the fulfillment of duty. As in "Polyanna", which I loved to read as a child. And so this relationship between a child and his adult is reduced to functional feed-dress-check lessons and there are no hugs, no words of sincere support, no magic under the pillow early in the morning. And no matter how much you try to convince the other that this is warmth, you cannot deceive the sensations and feelings. Then what is the point of calling the pit bull Alabai and spreading the word "happiness" from four other letters?
If you give a person the opportunity to declare their grievances against the sacred (parents), often happens - the miracle of metamorphosis. Because at first a lot of anger will come out. So much so that it will be scary to realize that she has been hiding and saving up somewhere all this time. Behind her, pain will invariably and surely come through, which before that somehow and for some reason was not noticed. Pain means that everything is in order with the person and that someone caused him this pain, it did not seem to him. This means that you have the right to refuse to justify those who showed coldness or rudeness towards you. And you have the right not even to want to understand from what considerations and motives they did this to you.
The paradox is that after all this is recognized, voiced, framed in the desired shape and color, the need to fixate on this will disappear. That is, anger and resentment will pass. There will no longer be a need to waste resources on keeping these rubber boats under water, they can simply be put aside. And that means - to go further. After that, sadness may come, because there were no balloons on the floor on your birthday, warm hugs and the feeling of being at home "like behind a stone wall." Or maybe suddenly remember that there was another person who gave such emotions: an aunt or a grandfather. And maybe some warm memories of the parents themselves, unexpected pains and resentments that are not visible behind the wall, will even surface. Or maybe not. Perhaps childhood will remain in memory without love and acceptance. Perhaps, you will not be able to experience total gratitude to your parents. But that's okay. It will remain just a part of the experience, like a scar that finally stops hurting.
Such a butterfly from a caterpillar turns out))
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