2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Mom left for a long time, leaving quite a crumb with someone to whom he was not used to.
Or mom was so tired and decided to go on vacation, take a break from a child who is 1-2-3 years old (or maybe more).
Fuuuuh! What happiness, you can breathe out! The adult with whom the child stayed says that he does not even remember his mother!
Should you rejoice?
In fact, this is an alarming symptom.
Imagine you are dating someone for a long time. It seemed very much in love with each other. And then you had to leave for a couple of weeks. And your partner is not bored at all. Not a drop. Doesn't remember. Probably there will be thoughts at once: "Why doesn't he love me?"
But, in relation to the child, this cannot be so. He does not just love his mother, for him she is still everything, the whole world. And suddenly he doesn't get bored. It's strange, isn't it?
It often seems that just small children understand little.
Yes, they do not understand everything, because of this, separation is even more difficult and vulnerable for them. A watch without a mother, a day, not to mention a week, for a child is an endless eternity. They cannot understand WHEN mom will return. And will he come back? In addition, due to their age, they still have absolutely no ability to continue to feel a connection with their mother at a distance.
And this experience turns out to be so irresistibly strong, painful that emotional numbness sets in. And it looks like everything is fine. The child is active, joyful, or it is not clear why there are thousands of tantrums and whims from scratch.
In fact, the child continues to be in the strongest anxiety, but it turns out to be blocked. After all, he simply cannot start talking about his mother himself, even if he is already able to speak.
And how to start talking about where mom is, that you miss her, when everyone around is trying with all their might to behave as if nothing had happened and in no case at all to remind of mom, supposedly it will become more difficult for the child? As if you can forget that mom is not there. And so by chance to remember.
It often seems that if the child is not bored, not bored, not crying, everything is fine.
It's more normal for the psyche to cry and be bored.
But for this, there must be an adult who trusts the child and who accepts tears. And he does not begin with all his might to switch the child away from them.
If we are madly missing someone, to tears, we so want to cry. And all around: “Yes, pull yourself together! Do not Cry! Will you feel better or will the pain and lump in your throat become even worse? Yes, and the heaviness of the fact that there is absolutely no one to share your sadness with.
And if it's hard for adults, it's unbearable for children. Therefore, the psyche comes to the rescue and blocks all painful feelings. This is good for life, but dangerous for the development of the child.
If the mother has gone or left for a long time, and the child is small, it is more important not to do everything possible so that the child does not cry and does not miss his mother. And to be there and say: “Darling, I understand you miss your mom so much. I'll help you get through it."
Take tears, tantrums, comfort.
After all, otherwise the child's psyche simply blocks the pain. But sometimes it remains in a person for life.
And for some reason such an adult may have a fear of close relationships, an unconscious feeling that they bring pain, that it is impossible to trust, it is safer to be one or not to open up to another completely. Or a vague feeling that I am not quite like that, not valuable in myself, not desirable.
And the earlier the child had such an experience, the deeper into the unconscious he is repressed, which complicates his elaboration in adulthood.
Or the psyche can completely "erase" it from memory, so that it is not so painful to remember.
But not remembering does not mean removing from the unconscious and interrupting its influence on life.
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