2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
When the parents get divorced, the child usually stays with the mother. Society cannot stand aside. No, no one rushes to help mom - “sympathizers” try to convey to the woman who needs to learn to live differently, their view of how she should live, what she is to blame, what she should. By the way, a change in living conditions, even if it is a change for the better, is always stress that needs to be experienced. A woman has not only to cope with her own suffering and stress, but also to help children survive separation, satisfy their basic needs (food, safety, etc.), and be a resource for them. And also deal with public opinion.
Among all the "you must" and "you are responsible" often occurs "you are responsible for the relationship of the child with the father." Every now and then she hears: “How are you behaving, are you not afraid that the father will stop communicating with the child at all?”; "I could have endured, do you know how children suffer without fathers?" Those. a woman must endure something, make some sacrifices in order to maintain normal relations between the father and the children.
I believe that the father is responsible for the relationship between father and children. If he does not want to build relationships with them, then this is his choice and his responsibility, there is no need to shift it onto his mother's shoulders - there is already an overwhelming burden.
What is mom responsible for?
- What and how she tells about the father to the children and with the children.
- How she communicates with people, including the father of the children - she sets an example for the children.
- For yourself, your well-being and your boundaries. She needs resources to raise her children on her own. If daddy hurts her by his behavior, then she should not tolerate it. Just because she has children and children need an adequate, happy mother. So if there is a desire to give advice to a single mom, it should be. “Protect and protect yourself for the sake of children”, not “endure and make sacrifices for the sake of children”. Dad will show up at the weekend (at best) and leave before the next, and the children will stay with mom. Will it be good for children with a weak, irritable, crying mother?
- For my relationship with my children.
- For how life is arranged, how responsibilities are distributed in the house, etc.
- For my personal life.
When dad "forgets" about the child's existence, mom's heart breaks with pain: the child's heart hurts, and mom's hurts. Feeling resentment, anger at her father, she must also answer the children to the questions “why doesn't dad come? Does he not love us?”And respond in a way that doesn't sound like“because your dad is a goat”. Sometimes this pain is mixed with a feeling of guilt that the marriage is not preserved, that the father does not come to the children. She asks the questions "what to do and how to behave so that he" remembers "that he has children?" She can call him, demand, throw tantrums, ask, try to reach him, but all to no avail. … The first thing she needs to do is to realize that:
A) She is not responsible for the actions of an adult man.
B) A child is not a means of manipulation.
Only by realizing this, you can find the right words and tone, develop the best strategy for behavior. The heart will tell everything, and time will put it in its place. Children will grow up and understand. The father of children can also "grow up and understand" - people grow up when they are allowed to take responsibility for their own actions. It is important for mom to remember that she is alone, she has one life, and the children of another mother and another childhood will not.
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