Fix My Baby

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

As a family psychologist, I often have to face a request from parents of this type: "My child does not study well, dresses badly, does not obey. Do something with him, you’re a psychologist! Teach him to be normal, tell him that learning is very important! He will definitely listen to you! " etc.

As a rule, such a request arises from the parents of adolescents. But let's figure out what actually lies in such a formulation of the problem.

Parents understand that something is wrong with their child, because before he was obedient, good, flexible and not even rude! - Yes, of course, the child was like that. But growing up is inevitable. And at this stage of development, a teenager needs to go through the process of separation - separation from parents. The task of the child is to gain independence, self-confidence, and his self-attitude and self-esteem are also formed. And this whole story is exacerbated by puberty, when hormones in a young body rage and turn off the brain)

Agree, the processes are quite important, serious and voluminous. And in general, how successfully a teenager passes this stage will depend on what kind of adult he will be: self-confident or dependent on his parents (or any other significant people for him), responsible or careless, with adequate self-esteem or not.

During the transitional age of the child, the family system has to rebuild, and this is always not easy. The system is used to living with a small child. In this case, the rules have already been established, everyone performs their usual role, everyone understands everything and the level of general anxiety is tolerable. But then the child starts to issue numbers. Either he rolls down in school, then he gets in touch with some dangerous company, or even comes from a walk with the smell of cigarettes. And here the level of anxiety skyrockets: “Something is wrong with our child! He's broken! " And then the parents feverishly try to "fix" it: punishments, moralizing, "heart-to-heart talk" begin, attracting third forces (grandmothers, grandfathers, teachers, coaches). At the same time, parents are terribly afraid that if right now their child does not become the former obedient bunny, then he will certainly become a criminal, a monster, an ignoramus, and his life will go downhill.

But in fact, this is more of a battle not for the "bright future of the child" (this anxiety certainly also exists), but more for one's own calm and familiar existence in a familiar coordinate system. Parents face a number of important tasks. The global task is to rebuild the family system under new circumstances. Namely, it is necessary:

First: to revise the established rules and create new ones. For example, letting the child make his own decisions and be responsible for it.

Yes, it's scary and a nightmare. Because “How is it? A child does not learn without parental control, and then just let him float freely ?! Well, how else can he learn to understand cause-and-effect relationships? Or do you plan to decide everything for him and control every step until his retirement? Believe in your child and give him this opportunity.

And second, accept the inevitability of a change in your parenting role. It is necessary to become an adult for the child, on whom he can rely in a difficult situation.

Help if he needs help. The tactic “Wanted it yourself - got it - rake it yourself” will undermine trust and will not benefit anyone. Here it is simple: asks for help - we help, does not ask - we do not help. Now you are not required to "know better", now you are a friend, ally, assistant. In short, from the position of a parent, we move to a position on an equal footing. And for this you need to immerse yourself in his world, get to know your child again. Find out what he / she is looking at, which Tiktokers is subscribed to, what kind of music he / she listens to, and who is her / his crash / crash.

And it also happens that a teenage crisis happens "on hand" in the event of problems in the relationship between spouses. Instead of discussing "what is wrong between us?", Parents actively discuss the teenager. They go headlong into his "salvation". And this is very convenient. After all, you can not deal with your own discomfort in relations with your spouse, because it is more important to deal with twos in mathematics from your sixth grader.

Therefore, when a family comes to me with a similar request, I first meet with the whole family. This is necessary to assess whether the case is really in the child himself. And then I work only with my parents. Because usually a teenager is just a teenager. Solves the problems of his age and tries to survive in all this. And adults really need help. And we are working to gradually rebuild the family system under the new conditions.