2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Relationships are called “codependent” when there is something on which one of the couple is addicted (alcohol, drugs, play). The second person in the pair becomes “codependent”, he is now also dependent on “the demon who defeated the beloved”, because the whole life is built around this dependence.
The roles in this game are distributed as follows:
“Aggressor” - alcohol, drugs, gambling or other addiction.
The “victim” is an unhappy addict.
“Rescuer” is the second of the pair, who undertakes to pull, save, nurture and ennoble the first.
The peculiarity of the game is that the roles are constantly changing. An unhappy victim easily becomes an aggressor and turns a rescuer into a victim who now needs a rescuer herself (girlfriend, friend, mother, psychologist, police).
If the rescuer runs out of patience, he becomes an aggressor and can, in a fit of anger, beat the previously saved one.
The game is based on the one hand - on the imaginary sense of responsibility of the rescuer for the victim, but in fact - on the feeling of undivided power over this helpless and weak-willed creature.
On the other hand, on the victim's impossibility to quit “drinking, playing, injecting drugs”. As the saying goes, "there are no former addicts, they only go into remission." But that's good too. And during remission, there must be someone who will support you. "Hello lifeguard!"
As a rule, “a holy place is never empty” - if one rescuer leaves, another comes in his place.
Since “there are women in Russian villages …” This game has been considered traditional in Russia from time immemorial. Women who dream of becoming “the wife of the Decembrist” will never run out.
Rescuers, as a rule, are those for whom this way of being was familiar from childhood, who saved a drunk father from delirium tremens, nursed and looked after him, and now also saves her husband. For whom to be a lifeguard is a familiar, and often the only known role in any relationship. It is not necessary to live with an eternally drunk father to become a lifelong rescuer, you can be born as an older sister, who is charged with taking care of the younger ones, or take care of a sick mother and become her “mother”. Rescue is a way of life. And if salvation is raging in your blood, you will definitely find someone to save yourself.))
In a victim-aggressor-rescuer relationship, life moves in a certain circle, consisting of several cycles.
Relationships in pairs revolve along the same cycles, where a man beats a woman. The roles in the family are then distributed as follows (the wife is the “victim”, the man is the “aggressor”, the child (mother, girlfriend, policeman, psychologist, neighbor) is the “rescuer”).
Cycles in the victim-aggressor-rescuer relationship:
"Incident" - binge drinking, beating, leaving the game, etc.
"Exit", accompanied by a sense of guilt.
"Honeymoon" - "There is nothing more useful in the household than a guilty husband." Before someone they make amends with fur coats and diamonds, and for someone they fix the taps and nail down all the shelves in the house.
“Plateau” is a period of peace and quiet, during which women begin to think that “he has changed and life is getting better.” But if aggression is not suppressed by alcohol and does not find another habitual way out, it eventually breaks through, only a “pretext” is needed.
“Start point of a new cycle” is a trigger that serves to start a new cycle. Often this is a certain word or deed known to all participants in the game. The subtlety is that in a violent relationship, it is the “victim” (the beaten wife) that starts a new cycle. She, as if bewitched, goes into the jaws of a boa constrictor. Says or does something that always unmistakably drives the aggressor out of himself.
and most importantly, who is to blame? and what to do with it?
The problem in such relationships is that they are familiar, they have been in the family from time immemorial and around them life, children, finances, housing are arranged. Therefore, not everyone succeeds in breaking everything and breaking out of the cage. But someone really does it.
And someone just balances the board system. Knowing the rules of the game makes them optimal.
The choice is always yours.
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