2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Caring, support, wanting only the best for a loved one - is it really bad?
Is it bad to love, support, guide, care, worry, think about him? Is it bad?!
It is not bad, only if in what you do for the other - the desires of this Other, his energy, his aspirations are greater than yours.
If, on the contrary, if your energy in this process is many times greater, you pull, persuade, exhort, control, convince that this Other (husband, brother, father, mother, close friend, adult son or adult daughter) really needs it - take care of your health, lose weight, leave an alcoholic husband, get a higher education, play sports, move, find another job, quit drinking, change your life, and you invest, invest, invest … And your loved one is doing you a favor by does it for himself …
That's it, you're trapped!
Remember at school, teachers said: “YOU need this! Learn, try! You need it!"
Who needs? Does the child, teenager feel that he needs to learn? No. Who needs it? Teachers, educators, parents - rescuers and “demanding” of all stripes. The energy of desire of the child himself is not in this. His need is completely different, but not in training.
If what you are doing for a loved one you need more than him, you become not a support that you can rely on, but a rescuer, someone who pulls the other with his energy.
A rescuer is one who pulls the other with his energy
It is necessary and important to save! When the house is on fire, and you need to take out the suffocating inhabitants. When people are helpless and they cannot help themselves. When they are immobilized, not sane, in an asthmatic attack, in heavy alcoholic intoxication, under the influence of drugs, they drown in the river, have an accident, are under the rubble. At the moment when a person really needs help and cannot rely on himself.
In all other cases, one's own salvation is the responsibility of the person himself. And he must build a bridge to his dream on his own energy.
Help, support, advise - please! But so that your help and support is twenty percent of what a person does in this direction himself. He does not have the strength, energy, desire - to follow the bright path that you see for him, maybe this is not his path. And if there is at least some desire and own energy, let him invest as much as he can, gradually building his own bridge to his bright future.
If you become the main pillar of this bridge, the most interested person in making this wonderful person work out (so that the husband quit drinking, the son went to university, the daughter graduated from the university, the friend found a suitable job, the mother took care of her health, the father achieved benefits, brother realized his talent), then you run the risk of pulling on yourself much more, practically everything, and be completely responsible for the success of the entire enterprise.
In addition, there is a big risk that the person whose happiness you so zealously desire will one day send you to hell with all your sincere support and a clear vision of his happy fate. And all your strength, energy and time will be thrown into the pipe, trampled and devalued. You will not receive any of the gratitude that you deeply hoped for. No love, no gratitude. Only a deep feeling of resentment, disappointment and a feeling of one's own stupidity and use is what remains in the bottom of the hero-rescuer, who, out of good intentions, pulls the strap for himself and for that guy, wishing the best for his loved ones and loved ones.
Take the formula: "20+ 80" as a guideline, where 80% is a person's own efforts, and 20% is your help and support
When I was the head of a public organization that helps orphans and low-income families, wise donors (sponsoring organizations that give money to volunteer organizations like ours for the implementation of social projects) allocated only 20% of the budget we needed for the project.
“Do you like the idea, want to realize it, do you believe in it? Then invest energetically, financially, look for more sources, move, work! And we will support. Why not support if a person himself does a lot to realize his dream ?!"
There is a fine line between support and imposition, dictating your own terms, control and pressure
Rescuers often become “dictators of the right life”, persecutors for the poor rescued, turning them into victims of their own ambitions.
Before you save someone, ask yourself: “Who needs it? Who is the main stakeholder in making this all happen?"
Does a husband want to quit drinking, a wife to find a job, a mother to take care of health, a sister to lose weight, and a brother to get out of debt? Does your son dream of going to university and your daughter dreaming of learning English? Does your friend need a new job or is she satisfied with this old one?
And the most important identification mark is whether the person himself is invested in all this.
A rescuer can become a "support" if, as an adult, he shakes hands with a child who is walking along a narrow curb:
“Do you want to go, do you have an interest, do you like it?
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