What Is Maternal Trauma. Manifestation. Where To Start Healing

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

What is maternal injury?

Maternal trauma – it is, first of all, mental pain, discomfort caused by a lack of maternal love or a gross intervention by the mother in the child's living space. As a result, there is a set of dysfunctional defense mechanisms against this pain.

The main problem with maternal trauma in women and men is either related to feelings of abandonment, loneliness, or repressed irritation and anger. Both states will be accompanied by feelings of guilt and shame.

The feeling of abandonment, loneliness is a consequence of the mother's neglect of the child, which may be associated with life circumstances in the family, health conditions, unwanted pregnancy, personality deficits of the mother herself, etc. It manifests itself in adulthood in the fear of loneliness, depression, an urgent need for care.

With an overprotective mother, the child's needs are also not satisfied, since such a mother is more focused on how to do the "right" thing, and not on what the child really needs now. In order to understand what the child needs now, you need to listen more and study his reactions, his crying and revival at the sight of his mother. With too much intervention, the child will be irritable, demanding and moody. In adulthood, he will look for those around him who can “guess” what he needs and do it for him. But the problem is that dissatisfaction and frustration will only grow. For such a person, everything will not be enough, everything will not be so. The world will feel hostile and threatening, from which you always need to defend yourself.

In both cases, difficulties will arise in socialization, building relationships with the opposite sex.

Despite the apparent opposite of maternal orientation towards the child, the manifestation of trauma, pain will be similar in both children when they grow up.

Will be present:

· Comparison: I don't feel well enough.

Shame: a constant background feeling that something is wrong with you.

Relaxation: the feeling that you have to stay small in order to be loved.

· Constant feeling of guilt that you want more than you have now.

This pain will also manifest in a similar way:

· Don't be yourself because you don't want to be a threat to others.

· High tolerance for mistreatment by others.

· Become super caring for others.

· Feelings of competition.

· Self-sabotage.

· Be overly tough and dominant.

· Conditions such as eating disorders, depression and addiction.

In fact, maternal trauma is complex. A complex consisting of limiting beliefs (any unambiguous statements, such as: "in order to be happy, it is better to be loved than you are," "you need to marry a rich man," except for my mother, no one needs (for) ", etc.; negative self-concept (" I am not good enough (a) "," I do not deserve "," I am dirty "," I am a coward ", etc.) and dysfunctional patterns, i.e. patterns of behavior that lead to conflicts or dissatisfaction with oneself, partner, life.

It may seem dangerous for a woman to reach her full potential because it could mean the risk of her mother rejecting her in one form or another.

What is keeping women and men from realizing their own lives?

Stereotypes in society and family histories:

· "Look what your mother did for you!" (from other people).

· “My mother sacrificed a lot for me. I would be so selfish if I did what she couldn't. I don't want to make her feel bad."

· “I owe my mother's loyalty, no matter what. If I upset her, she will think that I do not appreciate her.

The beginning of healing is accepting the fact that we cannot make our mothers happy by sacrificing our own lives.

1. Recognize double messages about mothers and motherhood

· If it is difficult for me to be a mother, it means: you are to blame (that).

· You should be ashamed if you are not superhuman.

· Motherhood is sheer happiness and joy, if you cannot always love your child and enjoy your motherhood, then something is wrong with you.

As a woman, you are expected to be successful everywhere - in motherhood, in your career, always to be sexy and attractive to a man, etc.

2. Recognize the role of the victim and the affect of rage

There is a stereotype in society: To be a mother in our society means to be perfect in relation to infinite love and patience for a child. Feelings of irritation, anger are unacceptable for a woman.

But the woman experiences anger and rage in motherhood. But even if these feelings are manifested in a relationship with a child, they are not directed at him. They are aimed at the inhuman demands of a patriarchal society, where motherhood rises to heaven in words, but in real life a woman is left alone with a child, fatigue, insomnia and pots. I think most women, while on maternity leave, heard in their address: "What can you get tired of?" What have you been doing all day? "What kind of mother are you if you don't want to be with your child?" Etc.

In fact, being a mother means sacrificing a lot - your sleep and comfort, career, hobbies, figure and health, life after the birth of a child will never be the same. And this causes anger that can be projected onto the child.

The child feels that he is unwittingly the culprit of his mother's suffering and at any cost is trying to atone for his guilt, just to help his mother, to make her happy.

In the future, such beliefs of the child that by sacrificing his freedom of choice in life, he will help the mother, translate into habitual strategies of interaction with others. Such people can either give up their own life altogether, remaining in the service of the mother, or transfer a similar pattern of sacrifice into a relationship in a couple.

In our society, there is no safe place for a mother to vent her anger.

The daughter is a very serious target for maternal anger, because the daughter has not yet had to give up her identity for the sake of motherhood. A little daughter can remind a mother of her unrealized potential. And if the daughter feels worthy enough to reject some of the patriarchal precepts that the mother was forced to swallow, then she can easily arouse this underground rage in the mother.

Of course, most mothers want the best for their daughters. However, if a mother has not dealt with her own pain or has not resigned herself to the sacrifices she has made, then her support for her daughter may be riddled with traces of messages that subtly instill shame, guilt, or commitment. They can manifest themselves in some form of criticism or in some form of praise to the mother. Usually, not the content of the statement, but the energy with which it is transmitted, can carry latent resentment.

3. Embrace the grief

To prevent the mother from directing her anger towards her daughter and transmitting the maternal trauma, she must completely grieve and mourn her own loss. And make sure she doesn't rely on her daughter as her main source of emotional support.

Mothers should mourn what they had to give up, what they wanted, but never get what their children can never give them, and the injustice of their position. However, as unfair as it is, daughter not is responsible for paying damages to the mother or for feeling obligated to sacrifice herself in the same way. This requires tremendous strength and determination from the mother. And mothers need support in this process.

Mothers free their daughters when they consciously handle their own pain without making it a daughter's problem. In this way, mothers free their daughters so that they can fulfill their dreams without guilt, shame, or a sense of duty.

When mothers unwittingly make their daughters feel responsible for their losses and share their pain, it creates, reinforcing the daughter's belief that she is not worthy of her dreams. And this confirms the daughter's opinion that the mother's pain is somehow her fault. This can cripple her for many reasons.

Daughters growing up in a patriarchal culture feel like they have to choose between opportunity and love.

Most daughters choose to be loved rather than significant because there is an inner feeling that full actualization and self-esteem can lead to the loss of love on the part of significant people in their lives, especially their mothers. Thus, women remain small and dissatisfied, unconsciously passing on the mother's trauma to the next generation.

The woman has an unconscious belief that realizing her own potential will damage the relationship. As if you have to choose either realization or relationship. And women are taught to value relationships above everything else. We cling to the crumbs of our relationship, while our souls may crave our full potential.

But the truth is that our relationship alone can never adequately replace mental hunger in order to live a fulfilling life.

4. Question the power over yourself and the stereotypes of society

Stereotypes in society regarding the relationship between mother and child:

· Mothers are always caring and loving.

· Mothers should never be angry or resentful at their children.

· Mother and daughter should be best friends.

Stereotype "All mothers should always love" deprives women of their humanity, since mothers are not allowed to be full-fledged people, with their diverse spectrum of emotions and states.

The truth is, mothers are human and all mothers have moments of unloving. And it is true that there are mothers who, most of the time, are simply disliked due to addiction, mental illness, or other problems. Until we choose to face these uncomfortable realities, maternal trauma will remain in the shadows and will be passed down from generation to generation.