A Healthy Person Does Not Want To Get Married

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Many of my acquaintances perked up noticeably when they learned that I was going to meet with Mikhail Labkovsky. Frankly, I myself was not familiar with his famous rules, and the full halls of admirers of the shocking approaches of the famous psychologist at his lectures became a revelation for me. Having got acquainted with the rules of Labkovsky, the first of which says that one should do only what one wants, and the second - that one should not do what one does not want, I realized that the conversation would not be easy. Needless to say - my own life is a refutation of these rules. Sometimes, however, I did what I wanted, going against the generally accepted dogmas. But mostly suitcases with a sense of duty of fear and guilt make up the lion's share of my luggage in life. Does this sound familiar to you? Then join us.

Mikhail easily responded to my Facebook message asking for an interview, he himself came to the editorial office and brought an alternative jacket and T-shirt for shooting. It is generally very easy with him, despite the fact that he says things that sometimes provoke protest - I think, not only with me. His words, for all the ambiguity, have tremendous power. After the interview, I ran, jumping up and down like a girl who got an A and is carrying the good news home. Of course, I did not avoid the temptation to ask questions about my own life and give examples from the lives of friends and acquaintances - for obvious reasons, I hardly publish these passages. The near future will show whether I have become a follower of the "healthy cynicism" that underlies Labkovsky's teachings. Don't be confused by our arguments, diagnoses and personal transitions. The conversation went beyond all expected limits, we ended up not in the editorial office, but in a cafe and parted with new friends.

ELENA SOTNIKOVA. In our editorial office, everyone was looking forward to your arrival …

MIKHAIL LABKOVSKY. Who is this all? I don't know anyone here at all.

E. S. But everyone knows you. The girls are worried and ask, well, where is Mikhail and when will he come. And this is understandable: our editorial office is mainly female, and the questions that I will ask you are key for many young women in our country. And the main question is: what is actually happening in our society with men and women? Is there a demographic problem, or does the problem of gender interaction lie on a different plane? After all, there are women for whom it is still not difficult to find a mate, they get married and give birth to children, while most of the female population has serious problems in this matter. I see a lot of beautiful, successful thirty-year-old women with a tough disposition and a maximalist approach to relationships, who can not only get married - even just meet and flirt. They say there is nowhere to meet and no one to meet.

M. L. Well, the question is what?

E. S. The problem of female loneliness that I have drawn for you here is something new? Is it demographic or is it rooted elsewhere?

M. L. You can, of course, find fault with demography. The situation is that according to the latest census, women are much more numerous than men. In reality, there are twice as many women. The point is that there are drug addicts, alcoholics and prisoners in this census. Therefore, those who are of matrimonial interest are actually fewer. But at the same time, someone is married, and not once, but someone has never been married, and it has always been so - regardless of the demographic situation.

E. S. When was she different?

M. L. She's been like that for a long time. The first tremendous stress for women occurred from 1941 to 1945. Then, after 25 years, it was generally impossible to get married, quite often there were misalliances - she was a clever, beautiful woman, and he was a terrible alcoholic without a leg, and even forty years older. And this was considered good luck, because there were no men. Then came the genetic fear associated with marriage, instilled by this generation of women. Therefore, in Russia, early marriages are so accepted - at the age of 19-20, while in Europe it occurs closer to 30 years. Our women still have this post-war fear that they might not get married.

This is the first thing. The second is that loneliness is not the absence of love around you. This is a lack of interest in oneself, moreover, from childhood. Everyone knows that there are children who cannot stay in the room alone and constantly run after their mother. And the other child can be left for three hours and he will draw, occupy himself with something, and you can forget about him altogether. Those who run already have a problem with this. They cannot entertain themselves, they are not interesting to themselves. From such girls, women grow up who cannot go on vacation alone, go to the theater, and even more so sit in a restaurant.

And as for young, successful and beautiful women who cannot find a match for themselves, because they, they say, have a high bar - this is the inability to have relationships and fear of relationships. There is also a funny story about sex: “I can only have sex for love, and since I don’t love anyone, I don’t have sex either.” This is the fear of sex. This is usually what victims of violence say.

People constantly come up with something for themselves, they are not psychologists and do not understand the real background of what is happening to them. As for the search for a partner, I will say, running ahead - and who should I look for? The only quality your partner can have is that he hooks you. Everything else does not matter at all. If you love him, worry about him, worry - then there are no "planks".2

E. S. So you think that the current generation of 30-year-olds is no different from the previous ones?

M. L. Lena, if you are talking about marriage, then there is a completely different story. But it is not measured by generations. The fact is that the institution of marriage has nothing to do with love.

E. S. ?

M. L. The institution of marriage is a state-religious institution with a thousand-year history, the meaning of which is in living together, managing a household, procreation, raising children and increasing the community. When our distant ancestors started a family, they did not take into account the emotional factor at all. The bride or groom was chosen by the parents; the task was to bring a healthy person into the house and preferably from a richer and noble family … These are all such socio-economic ties, this is not about love at all. Love as a choice first appeared in the Middle Ages - remember Romeo and Juliet and how it all ended for them. From the same song Anna Karenina and her husband, who could not divorce her, because he considered his wife his property and could not overstep it.

E. S. But now the situation is completely different, what does the Middle Ages have to do with it?

M. L. Exactly. There is a marriage crisis now. This huge colossus, which is associated with jurisprudence, property law, children - all this hangs on one nozzle, which is called "today I love - tomorrow I do not love." What kind of nonsense is this? Today I like him, but a week later I don't. And then divorce, division of property, lawyers, courts begins - and all just because "love has passed." And I don’t want to marry rationally, because I want to love. I understand.

E. S. So what to do?

ML Mir turned to this problem in the following way. The French were the first to do this. They came up with the so-called "paxed relationship" (PACS - a contract that individuals conclude among themselves to organize their life together). Many Europeans today avoid marriage. They have this type of relationship without going to the mayor's office - "we are a couple." This status also provides some economic advantages, discounts on parking, tax breaks. But the main thing is that it does not entail the division of property. In France, for example, after a divorce, a husband will support his wife for life if she has not worked for 10 years and was dependent on her husband's income. So people began to come to other forms of life together, understanding their imperfect nature. Love is an emotional sphere, in its essence it cannot be stable.

E. S. And what, there are no successful marriages concluded for love?

M. L. The guarantee of a happy family life, marriage and sex with one partner is only in one thing - in a stable psyche. No concessions, no compromises - this is all a direct road to a cardiologist or oncologist. When a person has a stable psyche, he can live with one partner all his life. And love him alone.

E. S. An interesting approach. In our “weather at home” tradition, emotional flexibility and the ability to adapt to a husband in order to preserve the family has always been a key rule. And now it is quite often said that the younger generation has lost the ability to compromise, does not want to put up with the shortcomings of a partner, and therefore has such problems. You say - a stable psyche! Where to get it, this stable psyche, and how many people like that?

M. L. Lena, people are not liked because they bend. This further aggravates the situation. You will be just an empty place for a man if you cannot be said about who you are, what you are and what you like for breakfast. If you constantly try to please, to level all conflicts, it is, first of all, harmful for a woman. According to statistics, single men live less than married women, and married women live less than single ones. The manner in which a man gives in to a man, accepted in Russia, is one of the manifestations of fear. The advice of the mother-in-law and grandmother is nothing more than the realization of the fear of losing her husband, being left alone, and even without money. I don't like this behavior. He loved you because you are you, because you were yourself. Where did it all go? Why does a girl at 16 send everyone to hell, and at 40 she is already sitting, not breathing and waiting for someone to pick her up?

E. S. And what happened during this time?

M. L. Self-esteem fell.

E. S. Why?

M. L. Because life did not work out. And people are arranged very clearly: when something doesn’t work out for you, you start thinking what’s wrong with you, and just then the mother-in-law comes in with advice and says: “Everything is not so with you. You're a bitch and a bitch, and that sucks. You have to behave like this and that."

But the paradox is that the bitchy ones are simply adored, because, for example, the man already had such a mother and there were no wordless ones in the house. People have a generally primitive organization. Women say: "I treat him that way, because he behaves like a goat." And you can't argue after all. But the question arises: what are you doing with him at all if he behaves like a goat? Here is the key. The reason for your problems is not that he acts like a goat. The reason is that you have a neurosis that needs to be released. And for this exit you need a certain person and a relationship in which you could suffer. Therefore, you deliberately enter into such a relationship, because from childhood you have a mental need for this.

E. S. And what are the prospects for such a woman?

M. L. It is necessary to deal with the head, and not with the suitors. A woman's attitude towards a man is largely her attitude towards her parents and, in particular, towards her dad. If there was pain, a feeling of resentment, a struggle - all this will carry over to the relationship in a couple. We measure love by the level of suffering. I myself was like that, then I was cured. When a woman says, “I loved,” this is often not a story about love. This is a story about a drug dealer who supplies her with the suffering she needs. And healthy love is about how happy you are. Many do not even understand what it is about, because they were already born in an unhappy situation, they had unhappy parents and they do not even know what could be different.

E. S. Don't you think what could be the opposite? If parents live like a cat and a dog, from morning to evening there is screaming and scandals in the house, maybe the girl wants her family to be completely different and so that the structure of her family does not remind her of her childhood in any way.

M. L. For this to happen, the parental situation must be released. For a woman to talk about her childhood not as a five-year-old child, but as a forty-year-old woman. A lot of people need to work on this. In general, for a successful own life, it is important to build your relationship with your parents from the point of view of an adult, and not to maintain them out of fear or guilt. We need to outgrow them. Swap places with them. Communicate according to your own rules so that you are treated like an adult. Then many problems in personal life, stemming from a difficult childhood, will be solved by themselves. In general, relations with parents can be restored at any time.

E. S. And it seems to me that there is a lost time that cannot be filled with anything. I gave birth to my eldest daughter very early, in our relationship we went through different periods, now we are very close, but it seems to me that I still cannot give her what she was emotionally deprived of in childhood.

M. L. You can. It's like on an airplane. When a flight attendant shows you life-saving appliances, what does she say about oxygen masks? "If you are traveling with a child, provide a mask first for yourself, then for the child." This is the whole point. Everyone is trying to help the child, remaining an absolute psycho. It doesn't work that way. If you want your child to feel good, do something with your head first.

E. S. You urge all the time to "do something with your head." Where? How? A psychologist? What should I tell the readers?

M. L. The first thing a reader should understand is that her story is not about unhappy love. She is not alone. The fact that she cannot get married is not true. She is a neurotic who, due to neurotic circumstances, feels the way she formulates it.

It's not about men. She clings to some things: that she is not good enough or too good, that the country has a difficult demographic situation, and so on. The reason is her internal state, which for some does not even involve family life.

Nobody thinks about this, but some women do not get married, because they are generally not adapted to this. However, they don't think so to themselves. And no one will marry them, because a potential husband does not see them as a wife. And one more thing: if you have a conflicting relationship with your ancestors, even if they died, this also does not lead to marriage.

E. S. And more specifically? Head by head, but still how should one behave in order to get married?

M. L. More specifically, please. The first thing you should do is stop wanting to get married. In other words, if you want to get married, you need to stop thinking about it, devalue the idea itself. A healthy person does not want to get married. This is the same as wanting to have a doll on the hood, a veil and the rest of the shit. In healthy people, the situation looks a little different. First, they have a need to love. With this need to love, they find a man who loves them.

E. S. Where do they find it?

M. L. Outside. I used to think, like all young people, that there are special places for dating, such as a disco. This is complete nonsense. The place to meet is just around the corner. He is not, this place.

E. S. I know many girls with a great need to love, but somehow no one gets to know them. The beauties are sitting, and no one approaches them.

ML. Men are so arranged that since the days of their mother they only approach those who give them approval with their eyes. There are morons who come up when they are told "I went out of here", but you don't need to mess with them, they are sick. And a healthy man is like a child. He comes up when a woman smiles at him, looks into his eyes … Many women have an inner dislike for men, are in conflict with themselves - "I want him and therefore I hate." They will not be approached. The man always reads the stop sign. And a woman, out of her stupidity, believes that she needs to go to a plastic surgeon, do some kind of special makeup, and so on. This is pure masochism. Love will be even less. So, more specifically, you first need to get rid of the obsession with getting married, as I have already said.

For a healthy person, everything happens as follows: he loves someone, someone loves him. This is the only possible normal relationship. When you are not loved, you do not need to cling to people.

Second. When people love each other, they have a need to live together. Third. When they live together, they have a need to have children, a family, and this is how a marriage arises in a natural environment. To get married at any cost, to get married, because everyone has already gotten out and divorced twice - this is complete nonsense.

E. S. This is nonsense for you, but for women it is a hot topic.

M. L. Okay, I’ll continue the specifics. You should never associate with married men. Fish are sold in a fish store, meat - in a butcher's shop. If you want to get married, don't waste time. A married man does not need a wife, he already has one at home. There is a chance that he will leave the family and marry you, but it is very small. This is rather an exception to the general rule. Of course, any woman can fall in love with a married man. But what distinguishes a healthy woman from a neurotic woman? The neurotic will suffer and become more immersed in this relationship. And the healthy one will say: “Listen, I love you so much! When you get divorced, be sure to call me. Just don’t wait, I can’t wait long.” It's all. Speaking in Russian, a healthy person will always choose himself, and a neurotic person will always choose a problem relationship.

Let's go further. You start dating a guy, and you don't like something about his behavior. For example, a favorite topic: you have been dating for six months, but you don't live together. If you love him and want to live with him, you tell him about it. If after that the matter does not change - goodbye. If you do not like the way he treats you, does something unpleasant, you tell him about it once. If things don't change, goodbye. If he doesn't love you, you don't have to try to conquer anyone, it will end badly anyway. On the other hand, never take those guys who run after you. People in a state of divorce often come to my consultation. I ask the woman: "How did you meet?" She says that she met at the institute and "he looked after me like that, he walked for three years." I say: “Do you need to translate into Russian? You didn’t give him three years.” What happened next? As soon as she was alone, she hooked on someone who "at least loves her." And as soon as he got it, they divorced two years later. Standard scheme.

E. S. Michael, some people show up in marriage. We may not know some things about our partners until we get married. So what? Break off a relationship if something new appears in a person's behavior and you don't like it?

M. L. There must have been manifestations. I should have said earlier that I didn't like it. And in general, a man should be told once about what you do not like. If you are not understood, you need to make a decision. There can be two solutions: "goodbye" or "I accept the situation as it is." When you talk many times, you whine and complain, nothing else. Nobody will adjust to you. Your husband or partner heard and understood you perfectly. The continuation of such conversations is neurotic games (“I told you, we agreed, you promised,” and so on).

So, remember this rule. A woman should never put up with something in a relationship that she doesn't like. She should immediately talk about it, and if the man does not change, she should part with him.

E. S. How easy it is with you.

M. L. Otherwise, she will be a victim. I have already given this example. You are dating and really want to live together. And he's not ready. No need to beg him. We must find another. Don't waste your time. Or you already live together and want to get married. First, there is no need to wait for a man to offer it. You can just say, "Look, I want us to have a family and I want to get married." They said it once, waited a month for decency and went their own way. Such women get married much faster. Why? Because they are individuals. Men, like children, love it when a woman has character. After all, love is a complex of the same feelings as childhood experiences. Second. When you are independent and self-sufficient, it means that your relationship is not built on fear. And if they are built on fear, why marry you - you will give anyway, you will not go anywhere.

Further. Unfortunately, most of the women who want to get married are turned on by marriage and relationships, in principle, it completely occupies them. What is it about? When you have a happy family, both marriage and relationships are a kind of niche in your life. You realize yourself, you have interests, girlfriends, friends, plus relationships and family. And when the family was skewed and the woman lacked parents in childhood, it turns out the following: "Whatever I have achieved in life, nothing is of value to me if I have no relationship." Or: "Here I am so successful, beautiful and wonderful, but if a man appears in my life, I am ready to give up everything." What is this story about? A child who was ready to give everything so that his parents could sit with him for five minutes. Anxiety about marriage and relationships is an exaggerated sense of loneliness, expressed in the obsession with getting married. A normal woman has marriage as part of her life. If a person replaces the whole world for another person, this means that he simply does not have his own world. Marriage is not another life, a new planet, new realities. Marriage is what you had, just one more person.

And further. If you are single and get married, there is a chance that you will feel much harder, because you alone, at the very least, cope with loneliness, and when a husband appears who practically does not talk to you, then you will understand that it was easier to live alone … Understanding all these things, maybe some will think about it and for a start they will stop obsessively wanting it. And then they will meet someone.

You have to be ready for a relationship. Many are generally afraid of relationships, or they had a terrible trauma after their last relationship, and therefore they are not ready for anything. But time is running out. And in order for the injuries not to recur, you must do what I have already said: do not endure anything, immediately talk about what you don’t like and leave calmly if the situation does not change.

E. S. Well, you know … here you are drawing a diagram for some superhumans. Based on my experience and using your formulations, I would say that most women are susceptible to the neuroticism that you constantly talk about. Ego is such a harsh story … For me personally, it sounds very difficult.

M. L. Why do we need soft stories? We're in ELLE magazine. To be honest, I did not fit some psychological publications because of my position. They don't need specifics, they need shit smeared on a platter. Like, "If you have a chilling relationship, put rose petals in the tub, put candles on, and lie there naked." And when you tell them that the relationship has degraded and people cannot have sex, they are not interested. This is very specific. People are afraid of specifics. Look - this is for you to redo the text later.

E. S. What does it mean to redo the text? I am absolutely satisfied with everything you say. This is, after all, your position.

M. L. Well, you started - "Mikhail, you are so sharp …"

E. S. From my side, it was more of a question. This position is really quite unusual and may seem too cynical to many. We still have a traditional society. Many people simply cannot afford your advice.

M. L. It's not about the shoulder or the degree of courage of the person. A person's life does not work out. He reads books, goes to lectures, to psychologists, psychics. Tries to find information on a subject of interest. In this case, what needs to be done to get married. And there is only one thing to do - to be yourself. It's enough. And they love, in principle, only for this.

E. S. I know a million people who, in response to the advice to be yourself, will immediately shout: “Oh, but let's not talk about this, okay? Be yourself, blah blah blah. This also applies to fashion, and what can we say about the global topic of gender relations. I know the problem from the inside. Women today cannot get acquainted even just for sex, let's not take it wider.

M. L. What nonsense.

E. S. Why nonsense, Mikhail? Are you now suggesting that a shy girl take the initiative and tell the man herself that she wants to sleep with him? This is not suitable for anyone, and little good can come of it. In our culture, this is generally not accepted.

M. L. If you don't want to, don't come. Masturbate and think about our culture. I am a different person, my mother was engaged in elections in France and Germany. I don't like all these sudden and contradictory housewives. I love it when a woman is something.

E. S. Okay, let's leave this for a while. The problem of female loneliness still exists. Accordingly, a large number of single mothers appear. Some women use donors to get pregnant. And this is not only a sperm bank, but also real men, voluntary donors who "visit" the client until the desired result is achieved. Women decide this: since there is no husband or regular partner, and no husband or permanent partner is foreseen, they will give birth to a child as long as their age permits. And they are visited by men who have their own families, but "work" as donors on a voluntary basis.

M. L. You talk about it so calmly, like a kind of story about a woman's fate. And this is actually a tough psychopathology. This is completely abnormal. Such women have a problem with communication, with relationships, their whole head is full of cockroaches, fears, so they choose the "safe path" in the form of a donor, because they are afraid of relationships, they feel uncomfortable in a state of love.

E. S. But if she can't get to know anyone in another way!

M. L. May she meet! To do this, you need to clear your head and stop being afraid.

E. S. How?

M. L. How did you meet four times?

E. S. For this I did not go to a psychologist. Everything worked out by itself. But people are different. You never know who what can.

M. L. Let's redefine what “fear” is. This is when you like a guy, but you cannot come up because you are afraid of rejection. When you love him, you cannot tell him about it, because you are afraid to receive in response: "But I don't have you." Healthy people say “I love you” to express their feelings. And neurotics manipulate these words. They are waiting for a response - and, God forbid, they will not be answered or answered incorrectly. There will be sobs, scandals and the like.

E. S. Okay, it turns out that I practically do not know normal, healthy people, to use your terminology. Everything that you describe as neuroticism, from my point of view, is a habitual female behavior.

M. L. You yourself suffer from neurosis, where did you get other examples, other stories? There were no men in the lives of the women you are describing. There was a mother who raised her daughter alone and hated all men. Now the girl has grown up, and there is no place for men in her life. Do you know what is the fundamental difference between a healthy person and a neurotic? A healthy person also suffers, but from real stories. And the neurotic suffers from fictional stories. And if suffering is not enough, he still catches up with your beloved Kafka, Dostoevsky and the bottle.

E. C. So what are we neurotic people to do?

M. L. First, realize that there are men. The second is that the problem concerns only your “rich inner world”. There are men. Remember this.

E. S. But what about single mothers and boys who grow up with them?

M. L. According to statistics, more than half of the children live in single-parent families, mainly with their mother. This applies not only to Russia, but also to the entire European Union. Today it does not bother anyone at all. What can this lead to? The problem with these mothers is that they try to take on the function of fathers. Someone wants to "raise a real man" on their own, and here you can immediately provide a child with a non-traditional orientation. They suppress them, do not take them in their arms, do not kiss, beat them. This boy will simply be afraid of women. But this is material for another article. In general, I want to say this conceptually. Dear women! You don't have to think about what is happening to men. You are not their mom or their doctor. Look at your plate. This is also one of the problems. We are trying to understand what is happening, what kind of people they are, what kind of new generation, infantile, irresponsible … Here, their mother raised, their father raised … Yes, you should give a fuck who raised them! If you like it, take it. If you don't like it - goodbye. And the woman is still trying to get into his brain and understand - maybe his childhood was difficult? If you do not like the way a man behaves, you do not need to look for excuses for his behavior.

E. S. And I know several women who did not have relationships with their husbands, because in front of the plazas there was an example of an impeccable father, whom their gentlemen did not match. They just grew up in very happy and complete families, where the father was a full-fledged head of the family, they looked up to him.

M. L. Oh, I beg you! This is also a huge bias. All these well-off families are not so happy. Sometimes it happens that an incomplete family is healthier.

E. S. That is, you think that single-parent families are healthier?

M. L. Sure. An incomplete family becomes incomplete, because it is no longer possible to endure these endless scandals and fights. Someone drinks, someone beats … If you bend the stick, neurotics also jump off, because it cannot be endured indefinitely. And suddenly the child stops stuttering. Because he was taken out of the epicenter of the conflict. Therefore, one should not cling to any fetishes that are nothing. Of course, it is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick, it is better to have a child in a complete family, but not always. A friend of mine, when she was pregnant with her first child, started bleeding. She tells her husband to go to the hospital. He told her: "Call a taxi, I watch football." She gave birth to her second child from him. He says that children should have one father.

E. S. I have nothing to add to this.

M. L. And I have. I want to add some specifics. So, I am not married because I am not ready for marriage emotionally, psychologically, and therefore I do not develop relationships with men. A classic complaint: we sleep two or three times and he leaves me. Second: I spend a lot of time on unpromising men who are not going to marry at all. Third: I have a lot of problems in my head. As the writer Christopher Buckley (author of the novel Thank you for smoking, there is also a film like that) said, you should not eat in a restaurant called "Like Mom" and go to bed with a woman who has more problems than you. Further. I am not married because I have communication problems, I have slightly autistic problems - I am “in myself”, I cannot fully communicate when a man comes up; I start to worry, twitch. I don't like being touched, when strangers are talking to me. The next story is if I have already entered into a relationship. You don't have to bend, you don't have to give in, and you don't have to try at any cost to "hold on" to marriage by such bending. Most likely, you will be dumped because you are not interesting to anyone and behave like a victim.

Third. You have to tell yourself what you want, starting with what you want for breakfast and what dress, and ending with the fact that you want to get married, and not just meet and live together hopelessly. If you want children, you have to say, "I want children." If you want to get married, say: "I want to get married, a family." No matter how much you love him, if he does not want it, you are not on the road with him. At first it will be hard for you - I love him, I have no other. I agree that you may not meet anyone else. But I have already said that healthy people always choose themselves, and neurotics always choose relationships to their detriment, and this is the main difference.

Read also:20 distractions that narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths use to manipulate and silence you

E. S. So, to sum up, the problem in relations with men is due to the fact that all women suffer from neurosis …

M. L. Is that what I said?

E. S. This is my impression. I think that in our society, a minority of the female population may have a request for such cynical, in principle, attitudes that you give. The second point - with this neurosis, you all turn out to be one size fits all. Everyone had problems in childhood, everyone has complexes, everyone needs to heal their heads, the problem of loneliness, and so on. Equalization, if you like, with such a variety of types and destinies. Maybe all this is good for a lecture, where people come for a certain amount of shocking and cynicism, but for a magazine I do not have enough. You are a mature man, it took you years to come to such conclusions, and you have every right to think and act like that, but don't you think that these rules may be unacceptable for a girl of 25-27 years old?

M. L. I myself do not find any leveling at all. There are general rules that do not depend on behavior, upbringing, education, parental attitudes, and so on. If you want sex, go and get it. One greyhound, the other shy - what's the difference?

E. S. Well, how is it - what's the difference?

ML. You see, ego is not about sex at all. This applies to life in general. If you need something, you need it. Here you go. Let the girl be ugly, even shy, I will still teach her to take what she wants. Let's start with a basic setup. The problem of all these people is also a common one - they are not able to get pleasure from life for a number of reasons. We'd better call it joy. The meaning of life is to receive joy from it. So that you wake up in the morning in a good mood, be pleased with yourself, your appearance, your character, your husband, children, work, home, city, country and the world in general.

Yes, you are a living person and you can suffer if something happens - and not from the fact that nothing happens to you, but in the morning you feel notorious, useless and abandoned. This is neurosis.

Everything seems to be fine, no one has died, everyone is healthy, but you got up in the morning, and you already sucks. Am I telling you clearly? Here's a shy, no-sex girl you hooked on …

E. S. Yes, she is just a modest person, and you give her such advice.

M. L. There is no such thing - a modest person! If there are no other qualities, let's be humble, yes. Modesty does not adorn anyone. Due to complexes, insecurity and low self-esteem, this girl of yours lives without sex and relationships, not because she is scary, but because she treats herself badly. The task of the psychologist is to rid her of this. Of course, you don't have to run after anyone on the street. When a man runs, it looks bad. But if this girl is among friends, in a large company, and she likes someone, she can say: “Listen, let's go have some coffee or go to the cinema”. I don't see a big tragedy in this. In this there is neither cynicism, nor any inappropriate behavior on her part.

E. S. I still stick to my opinion. In our traditional society, this is still quite difficult to do.

ML. Well, then let him engage in masturbation, if your traditional society is more dear to her. I've already said that.

E. S. Let's go. So where can we all treat our heads?

ML. Initial consultation should be with a psychologist. If he discovers that the problem is related to a mental disorder - depression, drug addiction, alcoholism and the recently popular bipolar disorder, then you need to go to a psychiatrist and not be afraid of it. The psychologist has no medical education, he deals with the norm and does not prescribe pills. The psychologist deals with behavioral problems.

E. S. This is understandable, thanks. And why then our "sick" girls, who for the reasons described by you cannot find a mate here, easily get married abroad? And it turns out that there is no need to be treated! You, it seems, do not really favor the demographic problem in our country as the cause of women's failures.

M. L. Not true. Because of the demographic imbalance in our country, men are corrupted …

E. S. Oh-oh-t … Finally! And it turns out that the problems are only in the heads of women.

M. L. I'll tell you a story. Once I was with friends in a cafe, we were about five boys. At the next table there was a noisy bachelorette party, about twelve girls. One of them turned to us and shouted: "Well, what is it, we ask you not to get married, but just sit and have a drink with the girls!" The reaction of all five was strange. He drank only one - he generally likes to drink. True, he immediately left as soon as he got drunk. All the rest turned away - and back to their business. But in any country in the world these girls would have been torn to pieces already! But this is Russia. There is some general lethargy … No one has an eye at all. Plus this depravity, which I have already mentioned.

E. S. How does it start? With a mother's relationship?

M. L. Mother has nothing to do with it. It's simple - there are many women, few men. Hence all these misalliances, when she is 20, he is 50. In Europe, this is considered absolute nonsense.

E. S. And what should I do with this now? After all, according to your own words, we are all neurotic, we cannot find a match for ourselves, because our head needs to be treated, and then suddenly you have demography and the depravity of our men.

M. L. All the same, this is nonsense and the average temperature in the hospital. Somehow, given this demographic situation, one of my acquaintances, the editor-in-chief of a glossy magazine, managed to get married four times. But there are women who have never been married and will not get out. So they will think that something is wrong with their character or with demography.

E. S. Still, I want more about Russian men and foreigners.

M. L. Men who are abroad are definitely not spoiled due to the inaccessibility of women.

E. S. Are there women healthier on the head?

M. L. Absolutely! Healthy and practical.

E. S. I wonder why the women there are so healthy, while ours are neurotic?

M. L. There are also enough neurotics. But for the most part, their women are different from ours, because they grow up as children in healthier families. There are fewer drinking, beating, aggressive parents who are in constant conflicts and showdowns. At least on such a scale as here, it is not there. Today, no one touches children with their hands. This is criminalized.

E. S. But this is now. And if we are talking about forty-year-old women?

M. L. There are many women with cockroaches, but there is a certain general atmosphere … Family ideology. But you're right, older women also have a lot of problems there. Take Angelina Jolie. She's just inadequate and unhappy. I read a book by her second husband, Billy Bob Thornton. Here she sits with her mother at home and watches as her father and his mistress receive an Oscar. You know, I am worried about this material. We will not succeed with you. We do not understand each other. 1

E. S. Why are you so worried? I just ask you questions, you answer them. You are directly insulting me. So, the women at the lectures understand you, but I don't?

M. L. Yes, you may understand more than the whole audience. This is not the point. The fact is that you sharply defend this absolutely painful position in which you live. You tell me about some sick people and their illnesses are passed off as a life concept.

E. S. Nevertheless, the monstrous, in my opinion, song "Weather in the House" is one of the most recognizable hits in our country and does not raise questions among the majority of the female population. The song is about the awakening of a tyrant and the expectation of his unpredictable actions, which a woman must endure, smooth out and in any case take for granted.

M. L. In general, all our folk wedding and wedding songs are not about joy, not about pleasure, mind you. But then, in ancient times, from the point of view of survival, it was better to get married, because the husband took the woman in charge, she had the opportunity to give birth to children. If she did not marry, she had neither sex, nor pregnancy … She had no prospects in life.

E. S. Not like today. Well, let's go and heal the head in order to make better use of the advantages of time. Still, it’s interesting, have you had patients who said: “No, all this your technique doesn’t suit me”?

M. L. It never happened. In general, I am now working on what I expect to receive the Nobel Prize for (laughs) - on changing a person's libido. I hope that over time I will be able to help the patient to avoid sexual attraction to the wrong object, to the person who will not make you happy. You will suffer with him, and that is why you want him. The libido of many neurotic women chooses such partners. They do not choose, but sex chooses for them.

E. S. Excellent. We already have a topic for the next conversation.