2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
He loved three things in the world:
Over the evening singing, white peacocks
And the erased maps of America.
I didn't like it when children cry
Didn't like raspberry tea
And female hysteria.
… And I was his wife.
A. A. Akhmatova. 1910
Crying alone or next to loved ones are qualitatively different processes. When we cry next to someone, we feel that our feelings are recognized and not rejected, pain and feelings are shared.
L. V. Kulikov studies gender differences in the emotional sphere. As a result, significant differences were identified between the groups, which confirmed the hypothesis that the emotional sphere of women is more differentiated and complex than men [Kulikov L. V. Psychology of mood. - SPb., 1997]. This difference is most likely due to the stereotype of upbringing "men do not cry", which forms a persistent fear of condemnation to show their emotions through tears.
Recently, however, more and more clients come to me with a request to "cry". Outwardly successful, realized, married women come to a psychologist to "share" their tears with him. Among them there are those who, like men, were forbidden to cry in childhood. And there are those who were allowed to cry in childhood, but in relations with their partners they systematically suppress their tears. They have to hide their pain, vulnerability and sensuality under a tough protective shell.
Such clients talk about loneliness and fatigue, lack of joy and coldness of the spouse. Quite often, these women have a history of psychosomatic diseases.
One of the functions of the family is psychotherapeutic, and in modern conditions its role is growing more and more. Where, no matter how in a family, next to loved ones, you want to feel safe and protected, to be understood, accepted and recognized and to find emotional support. Next to an emotionally close and supportive partner, a favorable field is created in order to heal from childhood traumas, compensate for the pathological manifestation of accentuated character traits, it is less painful to go through crisis situations in life, which means to grow up psychologically and develop spiritually.
The spectrum of women's tears is diverse, I divided them into two categories:
1) tears of manipulation (demonstrative) - have as their purpose to receive something from the person to whom they are shown;
2) emotional tears - do not have a conscious purpose, they are a natural psychophysiological reaction of the body to difficult life situations for the psyche. These are tears of joy and sadness, delight and sadness, compassion and powerlessness, charm and disappointment, tenderness and fatigue, remorse and grief.
This article will focus exclusively on emotional tears
Even Aristotle argued that crying helps to purify consciousness. Modern research confirms this fact. The biochemical purpose of crying is that the composition of the tear fluid includes stress hormones and toxins, which contributes to psychological relaxation and a decrease in emotional stress. This explains the fact that after crying comes a feeling of relief, relaxation and calmness.
Much has been written about the dangers and consequences of suppressing emotions. Unmanifest and unreacted emotions do not go anywhere, they remain inside and accumulate, just like unspoken tears. Such accumulation leads either to self-destruction in the form of psychosomatic diseases, or to a nervous breakdown (it depends on the individual characteristics of the organism). It turns out that a person holding back tears suppresses the body's natural reaction to psycho-emotional stress, and stress is an integral characteristic of our time.
Emotional tears also perform in themselves information function. It allows a person to become aware of their feelings and needs and promotes the search for opportunities to satisfy them.
In interpersonal interaction, tears allow us to get to know each other better and deeper, contribute to the true Meeting of the Self and the Other.
In this way, crying allows you to balance your emotions and reorganize your feelings. After crying, calmness naturally sets in, and in this state it is much easier to find a way out of this situation.
The reaction of men to women's tears can be different - from supportive and caring, to irritable, ignorant and suppressive.
After all, not everyone can withstand an emotional outburst, find words of support and consolation, just share pain and suffering.
If a man is not able to be close to a woman in her pain and revelation, the woman begins to feel “misunderstood”, “rejected”, “rejected”, and in order not to face the negative reaction of the partner to her experiences, she gradually moves away and closes herself from the partner. And here there are several possible scenarios for the development of events.
- She is looking for someone to whom she can trust her feelings and emotions (after all, the need for involvement is basic). This could be a friend, another man, or a therapist.
- She develops psychosomatic illnesses.
- The partners gradually move away from each other, the emotional closeness between them weakens, sometimes completely disappears. And very often this provokes the disappearance of sexual intimacy.
But trusting and emotionally close relationships play a very significant role both for each partner and for the family as a whole.
In this case, it is necessary to find the obstacle that stood in the way of the formation of emotional closeness, or that life situation that provoked the distance between partners.
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