Prohibition Of Feelings Or When You Cannot Feel And Be Yourself

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

There are families in which it was difficult for parents to accept that a child might cry or be sad. A narcissistic mother has a child for other purposes. While still pregnant, she imagines that her child will be perfect as in staged photos, smart, obedient, genius, conquer the world or become famous where she could not. A child who is born is very disappointing, he is not perfect at all, he does not let him sleep, he does not look like idyllic photos from social networks and he … cries.

Since the days of Dr. Spock, crying has been fought against. Spock (let him get the cauldron in hell deeper) recommended at night not to approach the child, "let him shout out and get used to being alone." The babies did stop crying after a while. However, a convenient habit often came with the child learning the futility of crying. An infant whose survival is entirely dependent on Others can internalize this loneliness, traumatized because being alone is a threat to his life.

Growing up, the child was still not ideal for a narcissistic mother. The child could be sick, sad, not achieve enough success. (And for such a mother, there will always be little success. Become the king of the planet, asks why not the king of the galaxy …) The child expresses his feelings that such a mother cannot accept - tears, sadness, anger, disgust …

“I gave birth to you, to the best school, kindergarten, I registered a circle, and you are crying here! And because of what ?? It's a trifle. " Even from the feelings of the child, the mother can "get sick", it is worth crying as the mother drinks heartfelt, picturesquely lies with a damp napkin on her face. The child can "cure" this only if he is calm outwardly. No emotion outside. Especially unwanted.

Or maybe the mother became withdrawn and stopped listening to the child altogether. As if “dying”, refusing to “disagreeable” in contact. For a child to survive without parents is a threat to the safety of life, so the child refuses to express his feelings, in fact, he abandons himself.

Or there may have been a denial of the child's feelings. I came to share my misfortune, and in response, "It is my own fault." "this is nonsense" or "decide for yourself without me." "They took the toy in the kindergarten - what a trifle! Forget it!" "They poison at school - it's your own fault. Be brave, keep your chest with a wheel!" And it's easier for a child not to share at all than to hear about "it's his own fault."

In all these cases, the child tries to do everything to deserve parental love and attention. The child forces himself to study well, to help around the house, to be comfortable so as not to provoke parental aggression, rejection or guilt from the parents' "illness", learns to hide his feelings because "it is not clear where and when the blow or reproach will come"

Such children are outwardly very quiet, obedient, comfortable. They are dumped on housework, looking after younger ones, making decisions instead of adults. Showing their true feelings is dangerous for them, complaining about problems at school or asking for advice is also dangerous.

And such children grow up with the knowledge that it is useless, if not dangerous, to show their feelings. They learn to rely only on themselves. And keep feelings in yourself, deep inside. However, there deeply feelings accumulate and at some point burst out with a powerful outburst, tearing, spoiling the life of themselves and those around them.

And if in childhood they were taught that to show aggression is very bad and ashamed. (And most likely they taught it that way, because the narcissistic mother wants to control the child with impunity so that he cannot defend himself or give back). Then the feelings that accumulate inside can be thrown out only on oneself. It’s not a pity for myself. It’s forbidden to feel, it’s forbidden to be, so you can. Such people can show aggression towards themselves through illness, "eat themselves up" with criticism, and engage in self-injury. A rational and trained mind puts everything on the shelves, explains. And only deeply driven feelings hurt and bring anxiety, anxiety, heartache. Or they force themselves to cut themselves, or … break themselves with a career, food, love affairs, lack of sleep. Everything to drive - a strange muddy mushy state away, so as not to think about it, so as not to explode inappropriately.

If such people come to psychotherapy, they ask to change themselves, to teach not to feel, to control themselves even more. They speak a lot, in a calm, even voice. Even about terrible things, even about pain and grief. After all, emotions are hidden far away, maybe even turned into physical pain. Psychotherapy helps these people become familiar with their own feelings and emotions. This means it is better to know yourself, your desires and feelings. The therapy process is not quick: it takes a long time to get to yourself, to allow yourself to feel and show your feelings outward. Memories and rethinking of the past brings a lot of sadness and tears, and then something begins to happen that can be explained by magic from the outside: lightness and joy of life appear, life becomes more emotional, new friends appear, and old illnesses gradually disappear. Man allows feelings to be.