Alfried Langle: What Makes Life Valuable?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

On March 9, 2017, the famous Austrian psychotherapist Alfried Langle gave a lecture within the walls of the Moscow Social and Pedagogical Institute on the topic: “What makes our life valuable? The value of values, feelings and attitudes in order to nurture a love of life."

The topic that we will talk about today is important not only for our own life - it is also important for those who teach, for those who work with children, because it is very important to teach children to love life or to strengthen them in this. … But, unfortunately, children sometimes perceive being in school or kindergarten as something that takes away their joy in life. Sometimes children leave school broken. But children must learn at school to acquire an interest in this life. They must be able to let themselves be touched by what is beautiful and interesting in this life, so that they live their life with interest. So today's topic is: What makes life valuable?

We're talking here about our relationship with life. But this question is subjective, and the teacher cannot take the answer to it. Everyone should give the answer to this question himself, because everyone is in this life with this question. I am here, I live - but how is this personal for me? Only I can feel it. And every person feels it. How personal is it for me - that I live here, in this place, in this family, with this body, with these personal traits that I have? Do I feel like I'm living? Every day, every hour I relive my life. This is happening now. And now this is life. And moreover, this moment is here, this "now" - this is my life. I have no other life than the life that is happening now.

In general, each of us wishes for a good life. We want to be happy in this life. What is happiness? There are very different ideas about this. If a person suffers from the dissatisfaction of some needs, then happiness is when these needs are satisfied. If he suffers from insomnia, he is happy when he can sleep peacefully, and if he suffers from asthma, when he can breathe freely. But if there is no suffering due to the lack of satisfaction of some needs, it is difficult to understand what happiness is. What sets the benchmarks here? For this, it is important to feel. Without feelings, we cannot be happy. Therefore, it is very important to talk about what it is like to feel.

The topic of happiness is not the topic of today's meeting, so a small answer to the question of what we might mean by happiness. Happiness is if I agree with myself, if I have inner harmony with what I am doing, if I live with inner consent. If in relation to many of the things that I do, I have the feeling "yes, I live", "yes, this is appropriate for me", "yes, this is correct." To be in this relationship, to study this specialty, to meet with friends in my free time - not because I have to, but because it is valuable to me. Therefore, it is very important that we talk about values and relationships tonight.

Happiness is if I live in such a way that what I do fills me. When I am at peace with myself. We want to be happy, but a good life is the basis for this. Having a good life, however, is a modest formulation. A good life may not be quite happiness yet, it is a prerequisite for happiness. A good life is like a bed for sleeping, if I sleep in a good comfortable bed, then I can sleep better, then sleep is happiness. Seeing life to be good is a prerequisite for fulfilling, fulfilling life.

The question of a good life is a philosophical question. Long before the advent of psychology, philosophers have dealt with this issue. You can call this the basic question of philosophy: what is necessary for life to be good? 2500 years ago, Plato believed that the highest good is not just life itself, but a good life. You can live and wait with the hope that you will die, for example, if a person is seriously ill, if he has severe pain. Just staying in life is not good in this case. The goal is only a good life. And for Plato, a good life is for that person who is noble and acts justly. Plato, as we know, was an idealist.

Another ancient Greek philosopher Democritus was a realist, and for him a good life is eutumia (from the Greek - good mood, contentment, joy). That is, if I have good feelings, then my life is good.

Aristotle, who was also a realist, but at the same time was closer to Plato, assumed that a good life is eudaimonia (from the Greek ev - good, daimonium - a living spirit). That is, if you live with a good spirit, you strive for something good, you want to do something good, if you see the meaning - then life is good.

I would like to mention two more philosophers in the introduction. The Roman philosopher Seneca says that the highest good in life - and he says it in a very psychological way - is the harmony of the soul with itself. Marcus Aurelius, a philosopher on the Roman throne, also viewed the good life very psychologically, namely, as autarchy. That is, if myself is enough for me, if I am in such a good relationship with myself, if I feel good with myself, then this is a good life. This is similar to Seneca's saying - the harmony of the soul with itself.

If the Greeks were still quite abstract, then the Romans were psychological and practical. Later, the good life in the history of philosophy was associated with ethical behavior, especially if we remember Immanuel Kant. He saw it in morality, while in Christianity it is associated with faith.

I made this introduction so that we can realize that tonight's theme is the theme of human history. We were all born and we all face such a task - to shape our life. This life is entrusted to us, entrusted to us. We have a responsibility. We are constantly faced with the question: what am I going to do with my life? Will I go to a lecture, will I spend an evening in front of the TV, will I meet with friends? We shape our lives. And therefore, to a large extent it depends on ourselves whether our life will be good or not. Life succeeds only if we love it. We need a positive relationship with life, otherwise we will lose life.

But how can I love life? What can I do for this? How can I grow, how can I intensify this love? How can we teach this to children so they can do it better?

Let's approach it this way. Let's ask ourselves: what makes my life good? Now. Today. Do I have a good life? Maybe so far we have too rarely asked ourselves such a direct question: is the life that I have good? Could I say yes, I have a good life? Probably, many could say: “Yes, my life is not bad. But it could have been better. If I also had a million dollars, then, of course, it would be better. If my boyfriend or girlfriend loved me”.

Yes, there is a lot of truth in that. The life we live will never be perfect. We will always present something better. But will it really get better if I have a million dollars? In our view, it may seem so to us. But in reality, what difference would it make? Yes, I could travel more, but with me nothing would change. I could buy myself nicer clothes, but would my relationship with my parents improve? And we need these relationships, they shape us, affect us. Without good relationships, we won't have a good life.

There are so many things that we can buy, but there are also many things that we cannot. For example, we can buy a bed, but not a dream. We can buy sex, but not love. And everything that is really important in life cannot be bought.

Do I have a good life? I can imagine a better life. But if you look at what I already have - does it have any value? Or do I feel like something important is missing? Austrian poet Stefan Zweig once said: "Many people are happy, but few know about it." Maybe I'm happier than I know about it.

I had such an experience. We have small children, we need to work hard, and the children have a temperature, they do not leave us alone, this is all very difficult. Sometimes we want to send children to the moon. Or something is wrong with your partner. Maybe we understand each other well, but something in our relationship drives me crazy over and over again. And if, twenty years later, you look at this and look at the photographs, you get such a warm feeling and say: “What a happy time!”. This is what human happiness looks like. That is, when we are in happiness, if we have a good life, it also has suffering, limitations, problems. If I wait until I have no problems, then I will never have a good life. There are always problems in a good life - we have to be realistic. But it is by dealing with these problems that I can live in such a way that I will have inner harmony.

What am I missing for a good life? Let's ask ourselves even more specifically: Was today a good day? What gave value to the present day? If I met my girlfriend today, if I had a pleasant conversation with someone, if today is my birthday, and I celebrated it well, then we will say: yes, it was a good day. If something special happened. But special is provided for a small number of days, and most days are ordinary.

Can life be good on an ordinary day? This is a matter of sensitivity, attentiveness. I took a warm shower this morning. Isn't it good to be able to take a shower, feel the stream of warm water? I drank coffee for breakfast. I did not have to suffer from hunger all day long. I can walk, I can breathe, I am healthy enough. There are so many elements that give my life value. And, in fact, we are aware of this when we do not have them.

A friend of mine, who has been living in Kenya for six months, told me that it was there that he learned the value of a warm shower. He spent a lot of time in the countryside, for many days there was no opportunity to take a shower - and before that he did it every day. If we don't do something, then contrast arises. Then we feel the value of everyday life better. But right now we can and to some extent turn to these things, deal with them more attentively. For a moment, linger and say to yourself: I'm going to the shower now, I'm doing this. And when I shower, pay attention to how I feel. How do I feel when I drink coffee?

This gives us a general idea of how we can arrive at a good life. All of these things I have listed we call values. All that is value, which is good for me. Or what is good for the other. And a more general formulation: values are those contents or those things that enhance life, that contribute to life. If I experience something as a value, then it is easier for me to say yes to life.

During the meeting, I can talk to my friend about what I was going through yesterday. He listens and says what he thinks in this regard. This is value. It makes my life a little better. I can drink a glass of pure water - it makes my life better. Also value, small value. And if a person is thirsty or dies of thirst, then this value becomes enormous.

I am going through a relationship with my partner. That there is a partner, that I love him, and he loves me. Also value. Values can be both some small things and the greatest. For religious people, the greatest value is God. Value is what makes me want to say yes to life. In this way, they strengthen my fundamental relationship with life. Because the fundamental value of all values is the value of life itself. At the end of my speech, I will return to this thought.

Summarize. Everything that is good or useful for me is value. Instead of value, we can use the word “good”. We perceive as good what is good, what is conducive to life. Therefore, values are a kind of spiritual food. Values strengthen us. Therefore, we must pay attention to the fact that every day in our life we experience as many values as possible. And in everything we do, look at whether there is value in it. What is it about this that feeds our life? Maybe this report is valuable if it helps to clarify our attitude to life, to deepen it.

We need values not only as food for our lives, but also in order to be ready for some action. Every action follows a value. Every action is a decision. If I act, I say: I want to do it. For example, coming here is an action. Call Mom. I do this because I want to do it. This is called acting. Do what I want to do. But I cannot want if I do not see the value.

What is the value in calling your mom? Please her. Or I want to know how she's doing. I can also call my mother because she expects it from me and I feel some pressure. And maybe even I feel a certain fear if I can not call her. I am afraid that this will ruin our relationship. Then I call too. But then what is the value? Then I will not have the joy of hearing her voice and finding out how she feels. Or there will be no joy that she will be glad of this call. If I call under the influence of this pressure, then I will simply be performing some kind of formal duty. And the value that it contains is that I will have less fear, less stress - but this is not enough.

Thus, we see what can be of value to us, and it can be taken away from us as value if there is some pressure. If I act, I want something, it means that I have value before my eyes. But the value can be very small and not really in a relationship with what I do. Calling my mom to reduce my fear or stress is not real value. I do this kind of involuntarily. Of course, I may not do this, but the consequences are such that they will be even less valuable than if I do it.

We experience values from these two foundations. To experience that my life is fueled by something, strengthened by something. Therefore, it is good if we give ourselves pleasant experiences and events. Or when we do what we do with pleasure, what we are interested in, when we feel good. Thanks to this, our life becomes full, filled with values. And we need values to be capable of action. To act means to do something, wanting it and making decisions in favor of it.

There is always a large share in values for myself. Even if I donate 10 euros to someone, it is only valuable if I feel joy at the same time, if I feel that these 10 euros can help a colleague, a beggar. They will be more valuable in their hands than if they stayed with me. And then I can be glad that I made this gift. That is, if something is to have value, it should be good for me too. And if something is good only for someone else, but not for me, then it is not an existential value.

Many people do something for the sake of another, refuse something, sacrifice themselves: for children, for a friend, for parents, for a partner. It is not good for the sake of a partner to cook food, have sex (well, once it may be good, but if it is repeated, then this is a loss, a loss). It must be good for me too, otherwise there is a loss of value. There won't be a long good journey here if you give something back every time. I also need a good life in the presence of children and parents. And this is not selfishness - it is a symmetry of values. Something cannot be good for you if it is not good for me at the same time.

Parents sacrifice their lives for their children: they give up vacations to build a house so the children can travel. And if for the parents themselves their actions were not something good, then what will happen? Then they will reproach the children: "We did everything for you, and now you are so ungrateful." That is, they say now: “Pay the bill. Be grateful and do something for me. " But if there is pressure, then the value is lost. It turns out that parents are blackmailing children. And the children of such parents are often not grateful. And why? Because they, too, would be more willing to have such parents who would pay attention to having a good life themselves. I don’t want to have such parents who, because of me, do not have a good life. And children are right if they are ungrateful - because the parents made a mistake. They have bypassed themselves. They have not lived through this necessary symmetry of values, which suggests that something, my dear child, can only be good for you if it is just as good for me. If I feel joy that I can give up something, that I can do something for you. Then it gives me something as a parent. Then I experience the value of my own action. But if I don't have such a feeling, then I am devastated, and then the need for gratitude arises. Parents begin to feel that they are missing something and want to get it from their children.

However, if I feel the value of what I am doing, if it is good for me, then I do not need gratitude. Of course, I will be glad if they thank me, but I already received the award at the moment when I did it. And this should not be confused with selfishness. Selfishness is acting without paying attention to someone else. I want to do it now, for example, I want to cook sausages tonight, although no one in my family wants to eat them today, but in the end everyone will have to eat sausages. That is, I behave selfishly if I do not take into account the desires of others and have before my eyes only my own needs, if I act as if at the expense of others.

The experience of value nourishes me, gives me a sense of completeness, enriches my feelings, strengthens my relationship with life, and at the same time it is the basis for my relationship with life. And one more thought on this topic: at the level of experience, we feel that values are like magnets. I am drawn there. Fascinating book, friends - I want to go there, I want to read this book, I want to eat this pie, I want to see my friends. Values attract us. Ask yourself the question: what is there at this moment that attracts me? Where am I pulling now? Where am I experiencing this magnetic force now? This is something that I like, that I love, that interests me. If I am separated from something or someone for a long time, then there is a kind of longing. For example, I haven't been to a concert or fitness for a long time. What attracts me, where does it pull me?

Second, when we experience value, we want to stay with it as well. We want repetition over time. If this is a value for us, we willingly go to the fitness club again and again, meet with a dear friend, and stay in a relationship. If a relationship with someone is valuable, I want that relationship to have a future. If we experience something as a value, then naturally there is a desire for this to continue, so that there is a future, a perspective.

And the third point characterizes the experience of values. In addition to the feeling of attraction and the desire to continue in time, we also have a desire to be internally close to this value, to let this value affect us. If this is great music, we want to kind of absorb it. If the food is good, we want to taste it. We want to hug and kiss our friends to experience intimacy. We want to be filled inwardly with what we experience as value.

We can also look after valuables. A holiday is a courting of a value. For example, when we celebrate a birthday: what is the value in this - that you were born on this day! When we celebrate a successful exam, we celebrate success and the fact that life goes on. We only celebrate values.

And we look after values when we enjoy them. Enjoyment is an exercise in deepening value. After all, there is so much that we can enjoy: the soft air of the coming spring, delicious food, conversation, of course, art. Or just the presence of another person. How does pleasure happen? For this we need feelings.

Now I would like to talk about feelings and what it is like to feel. What are feelings? This is a personal way of experiencing. I cannot give my feeling to another. My feelings belong only to me, they cannot be shared. I can tell another about how happy I am. And I hope that my story will evoke in another the same feelings as I do. And that he, too, will be happy. Yet feelings are permeated with subjectivity. They are influenced by previous experience. Another will say: yes, I am also happy, but at the same time, when I listen to your story, I have a feeling of fear. “Lucky for you this time! But I, listening to you, feel very insecure. Because, based on his previous experience, he feels something completely different.

How do feelings arise? Feelings arise when I get closer to some object, to some content, and through the proximity I allow myself to be touched. To touch in the literal sense of the word: internal contact is necessary. And through this touch and contact, a certain force is mobilized in me, and what arises as a result is a feeling.

Where does this power come from? What does an object or thought affect? Where is the screen on which this information falls? This is my very life. My feelings resonate with my life force. In feeling, my life is set in motion.

Some people think that feelings are secondary. More important are facts, information, something rational, reasonable. “Forget about feelings, they only get in the way,” they say. - "Only women care about feelings" (in fact, just women with feelings are better). Thus, feelings are devalued, and the one who devalues feelings often devalues women as well. And often he then has a poor life.

If we carry out a phenomenological analysis of feelings, then it becomes obvious to us what the feelings are about. My life moves in them. Feelings are not something secondary, they are the most important thing in life. If I have feelings, it means I am affected by something. Something has set my life force in motion. If I listen to the music of Tchaikovsky or Mozart, this music touches me. If I look at my child's face, I see those big eyes, it touches me. I can't even really explain it. Something happens directly between music and my life.

Or I look into a person's eyes and suddenly find myself in love. But of course love is a very intense form. It is as if something is being mixed in my life, something is being born. What kind of life would it be if it never happened to me? If I never met a person who directly entered my heart? It would be a poor life, a life without love, without being touched in the heart, a cold and businesslike life. And to have feelings means that my life, thanks to contact with someone or something, has started to move. Therefore, if we are in love, we feel alive. Then my life boils in me, seethes. This is not a weakness. It is also not something that we can deliberately "do" - it is something that happens to us. This is a gift. This meeting, this touch, gives me something more for my life.

We can do something for this, we are not only "given" to it. What can we do to strengthen this inner movement? Reach out and get closer to it. If we turn away, the resonance will be weaker, but if we turn, turn to this, something very important will happen: by doing so, we prepare ourselves for resonance. Therefore, turning is what strengthens the senses. When we listen to music, we often close our eyes to completely immerse ourselves in it. We want this music to sound in us, so that it moves in us, that it touches our heart, renews our life. We can do this.

But if I fall in love, but would not like to fall in love, then it is better if we do not see each other again, because with each meeting, feelings intensify. When I come across something that causes me negative feelings, they tend to intensify and affect me more.

Now we can connect the theme of values and the theme of feelings. Values and feelings are somehow related to each other. What touches me and sets me in motion, we call value. Now, based on our understanding of feelings, we have an expanded definition of value. Values and feelings are linked. What triggers my feelings is values. If something evokes positive feelings, then it is a positive value, and if I feel suffering, anger, then it is worthless.

And vice versa. Finding to recognize the values that are significant in the existential aspect, I can only through feelings. If they are only in my head, then, probably, this is some kind of abstract value. She will not enter my life.

For example, a lot of experience has been gained on the topic of smoking cessation. How can a person be forced to quit smoking? After all, everyone knows that it is unhealthy. People are informed about this, provided statistics and the consequences are drawn in the form of diseases of various organs. And every smoker knows that smoking is harmful to health, how it affects the heart, lungs, blood vessels, but still smokes further. That is, I know that smoking is unhealthy, but I continue to smoke anyway. Education in this matter has led to a reduction in smokers by only 1-2 percent. What are they doing today? On the cigarette packages it is written in large letters: "Smoking kills." That is, very strong messages are used to reach the feeling. It is assumed that if this affects the value of life, then a person will defend it.

This is a big topic of research on motivation. Only if I feel value does it matter to my life - in the sense that I make it the basis for my actions. In other words, feelings are important because they reveal the significance of a thing for one's own life. Feelings are not just by-products, thoughts and experiences. They shape our complex perception. With our eyes we perceive light, and with our feelings we perceive the meaning that this thing has for my life. Through the senses, we perceive the significance of life.

How do we come to feelings? Again, through being in a relationship, through contact. Feelings I can strengthen by turning, turning to something, if I look at how this contact affects me. If I take a sip of coffee, that's contact. And now I give this sip of coffee to affect me. I look at how I feel if I have a sip of coffee in my mouth. How does this work for me? "Oh, good taste, pleasant aroma!" I swallow, feel the coffee moving further along the esophagus - and then I have an impression. I am enjoying my coffee. And what am I doing? I am in contact and I open myself to this influence. And I ask myself: how does my life feel when I drink coffee? If I feel this coffee as a value, then I worry that I like life a little more. If life is like that, then I like to live it. It's only a couple of seconds, but through this appeal to value, we can do something more - make our life better. The experience of value, in principle, always happens in this way. To enjoy means to turn to something internally and let it affect you.

We also need to distinguish between two feelings - feelings that come from within and feelings that come from outside. We distinguish between them. The feeling of joy is a feeling that comes from within: I have experienced something, and an answer arises in me. We call this emotion. This concept came from Latin and means: the fact that I, for example, passed the exam, causes in me an inner movement that corresponds to me, which stems from my essence. That moves out of me.

And there are those feelings that are stimulated by some external stimulus. They are like a reflex to a stimulus. We call them affects. Anger, anger, rage, erotic feeling are affects, they depend on stimuli. They don't match my essence. If I prick with a needle, then the feeling of pain that has arisen is an affect. And the deeper this injection, the deeper this affect. You can talk a lot about feelings, but for now we will dwell on the fact that there are feelings that come from the heart, and feelings that are caused by stimuli.

And a few more words about relationships. Relationships are very important to a good life. When people who live the last weeks of their lives, who are preparing for death, ask: "What was the most important thing in your life?" Indeed, it seems to be something very fundamental to a good life.

Relationships are not an easy topic. We cannot prevent relationships, avoid relationships. As soon as I see someone, it's already a relationship. But regardless of this automatic basis of the relationship, the decisive thing in the relationship is whether I want to establish that relationship or not. Establishing a relationship means entering into a relationship, reaching out to it. I want to be with this person, with my partner. Because it's good there. Because I feel connected to him.

Establishing a relationship means “wanting to have intimacy” in order to be able to feel the other. I want to not only hear or see. If I enter into a relationship, I want to be touched by others. If I enter into a relationship, I make myself available to others. If I enter into a relationship, I throw a bridge to the other person. So that through this bridge you can come to me, and I can come to you. If I establish a relationship, then I already have this feeling, an assumption about the value that you represent. Life happens in a relationship, otherwise it is not. Relationships with other people come first. You should never jeopardize relationships with people, because there is a fundamental value in it that I can lose if I am inattentive in my relationships with people. And not only with people, but also with animals, with plants, with things, with theories. With what we learn, what we study. It is important to establish emotional contact in these relationships as well.

A relationship with oneself is very important in order to establish closeness with oneself. So that I feel myself over and over during the day, over and over again ask myself the question: what am I feeling now? how do i feel? how am i doing when i listen to this report? how do i feel when i'm with you? what feelings arise? how do i feel when i study? If I don't establish a relationship with myself, I go around myself, then I kind of lose myself. I can become a stranger to myself if I do not establish this relationship. And relations with you can be good only if at the same time I have a good relationship with myself. If I feel good in your presence, if I feel good with myself, then I have a good relationship with you. But here it is important that I can feel myself.

And finally, a relationship with life. How is it for me - that I live at all? We asked this question at the beginning of our meeting. And we can try to answer it again. I live - this means that I grow, mature, experience some kind of experience, I have feelings - beautiful, painful, I have thoughts, I am busy with something during the day, I have a need to provide my life. I have lived for a number of years. How is it for me - in the depths - that I lived? Do I have a feeling that this is something good? Do I myself feel that it is good that I can live? Do I like living? What kind of movement is this causing in me?

If I allow myself to be affected by the life that I have lived, that I am living, is there anything good in my life? Or maybe it is heavy, if there is torment and a lot of painful things in it?.. Maybe at times it is so. But in principle, in the end - I am glad that I can live. That I can give my consent, say my "yes" to this fact - that I live. Because I feel that this life touches me, there is some kind of resonance, some kind of movement, I am glad, I love it. She's not perfect, but she's still good. Because the coffee is delicious, the shower is pleasant, and I have meetings, I know people I love and who love me.

If I have too little of this, maybe I will have a feeling that she is not very good. Maybe life has really hurt me, and I don't like living at all. This is how a depressed person feels. In depression, we experience that there are few values in life. Therefore, in depression, a person does not want to live for real.

But many people are in a neutral field: I don't even know if I like living. As long as I'm young, handsome, rich and healthy - okay, I agree. And if it’s different - well, I don’t know. And here it is important to come to this deeply affected. Nobody can do it for me, because it relates to my intimacy. The fact that I give my life to influence me, open up and look at what emotions arise - we call this a fundamental value with which all other values are correlated. Everything we experience as valuable feeds this fundamental value. Conversely, every value contains this fundamental value. If the coffee tastes good, it’s ultimately about the feeling of “living well”. Life is valuable, if I follow this fundamental value, if I live a fundamental relationship (living well), then every relationship (with coffee too) contains this deep relationship to life itself. Whenever we establish a relationship with someone, we are establishing a relationship with life itself.

I wish all of us a lot of experiences that will make us even more sense, feel that it is good to live at the core, and that life is a gift. Thank you for your attention.

Prepared by Anastasia Khramuticheva