What Is Really Valuable In A Relationship

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

We often grab onto external supports and look for allegorical confirmation of our own worth. We view the behavior of others as a reflection of ourselves. We place undue weight and importance on social validation when problems build up in our own families. We are looking for a substitute environment that can reduce our own anxiety, at least for a while; create many superficial relationships and isolate ourselves from loved ones.

It's easier this way. The crossfire of accusations in their own families heightens anxiety and there is a desire to withdraw, to increase the distance. We seem to be at opposite poles, from where we cannot see what the partner wants. And he doesn't see us.

There was a period in my life when, instead of solving problems in my relationship with my husband, I deliberately ran away from difficulties into work. External recognition, bright people, career success and a sense of self-worth were very inspiring, and there was a great temptation to run away from problems there. There are no insurmountable difficulties, everything works out there, and at home - everyday life, problem solving, monotonous dance of relationships. There were no obvious problems, but there was emotional tension in communication. Everyone lived their own lives.

The paradox is that it is much more difficult to keep a relationship in a close circle. Here you need to learn to withstand resentment, disappointment, devaluation, routine. There is a lot of despair, powerlessness and anxiety here. It's still a cocktail of experiences. But in the most difficult periods of life, it is in a close circle that we find support and support.

When our family faced great tragedy, my husband gave me what I needed most: unconditional acceptance and protection. He cared, did not say stupid comforting phrases, just kept silent and hugged. I was there, doing what I asked, even if it was complete madness. Then it seemed to me that my pain was forever, that no one would ever give me back the taste of life. But what my husband did for me was much more than what my therapist could do.

Close partnerships are healing.

Our sense of self consists in a double correlation of the external and internal circle of interactions. We combine in ourselves two opposite poles: intimacy and openness, the need to be alone and the need to be with someone. A bias towards one of them leads to emotional tension, a failure in the family system, even if the external symptoms do not betray anything suspicious.

If you notice a growing emotional inaccessibility and distance in a relationship, turn around and run in the opposite direction. They don't become strangers overnight or overnight. Come back sooner.

Perception of the other as an extension of oneself, anger and demands for attention only increase the mutual distance. At this very moment, the space of intimacy and affection is destroyed. There is no love where there is a desire to control and redo. As soon as we come to the point of difference and forbid it to be, we acquire conflicts.

But these differences not only separate, but also connect. If we have matured enough to discuss sensitive topics, we know how to listen, hear and negotiate, giving the other the opportunity to exercise free will and act at their own discretion, attachment is born. It has nothing to do with merging. Affection does not stifle a partner in its tenacious embrace. She is like an intimate confession to another in her own vulnerability, insecurity. We honestly and openly tell our partner that we need his care, love, support, since we cannot satisfy all our needs on our own. Fearfully? Also, you need to meet your weakness and pain, give up control and step into uncertainty. But only in sincerity is attachment born, and after it the emotional closeness of partners.

Affection for each other is warmed up over low heat, but never brought to a boil, which means to the point of absurdity. It seems that just about, and we learn everything about something else, but no … the process of acquaintance continues. It is a continuous process of slowly recognizing the other, his essence, outlook on life. Growing affection despite imperfections and differences. A special space is created between a man and a woman, where it is not scary to be real, weak and one that you don't like yourself. We carefully get to know each other and understand that the partner will never be fully comprehended by us. We create special territory of relationswhere the needs for warmth, love, acceptance and care are met. Slowly and efficiently. No distortions and imbalances.

The word "relationship" has a root to carry - to relate a part of oneself to another, and to accept what the partner brings. And what kind of relationship we will have depends on what we bring to each other. The key concept here is "each other", and not so that we just wait for the other to give us what we have little. Accept everything honestly, without giving up what is upsetting.

We will not like everything that we see in another, and we will not be able to react to everything calmly - unless we cease to be human. But this is the essence of creating a safe space: knowing that together we can get through trouble faster than alone. With a bad character, with a hoarse voice and cold we are needed no less than resourceful and happy. We are always needed, even when we get tired of ourselves. Then it's not scary to make mistakes, since there is a special area for two, the entrance ticket to which is always with you.

Creating such a space requires our conscious decision. With whom we are really ready to create it is a task that requires confidence that we are able to take the feedback from our partner and not go crazy with what we cannot yet understand and accept. Rejection of someone with whom we feel bad is a task that requires responsibility and our own growing up.