How To Communicate With Older Parents: 10 Simple Rules

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Complaining about parents, about bad relations with them is one of the most common in the practice of any psychologist, in this case I am no exception. "Worse than children …", "tired, climb into life …", "how can I make them …" - this list is endless. But at the same time, what do you think is the most vivid feeling experienced by the vast majority of adults in relation to their elderly parents AFTER their death? Feelings of guilt - for wrong behavior, insufficient time spent, undetected emotions. As a result, after the death of his parents, a person cannot come to terms with the loss for a long time, he is very worried about the severity of the loss, and for the rest of his life he carries the weight of guilt.

To break the vicious circle, I suggest you follow some tricky rules. Of course, this is not a panacea, but the way to make your life with your parents is not torment, but the joy of the time given to each other.

1. Expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised

Don't you expect positive things from the upcoming communication with elderly parents? And don't wait, but if the evening turns out to be pleasant, so much the better. In addition, you can get pleasure from yourself, from your behavior. For example, you know that there will be a painful conversation that your parents will not return to for the first time. Look, after all, no matter how many times this topic is discussed, the matter will still not go beyond words, what is the point of being angry and annoyed? Tune in to restraint and, having endured the beginning of an unpleasant conversation, encourage and mentally praise yourself for your patience and self-control. As you calmly listen to your parents' point of view, think about what you will be like a quarter of a century later.

2. Show initiative

In childhood, mom and dad are perceived as super creatures, all knowing, all powerful. We came to them not so much with joy as with problems, looking for advice. But over time, this halo fades away and it is time to take on the role of a leader not only in a career, but also in building family relationships. Create your own rules and rituals of love in dealing with parents and stick to them. Remember, parents did not let us know about their work problems when we were little - the time has come for us to filter the information, relieving them of their troubles, which they are still unable to solve. Our well-being is the measure of their consistency in life, their self-confidence.

3. Accept as they are, not re-educate

Who in childhood did not mother tell about a neighbor boy who eats well and obeys his parents or a classmate who pleases with excellent grades? When parents get old and begin to need help, there is a desire to follow the same path and cite an example of an old neighbor who walks a lot and eats right. But this is useless, they cannot be corrected, and criticism "head-on" will cause a response wave of negativity and rejection. Alternatively (if the physical capabilities of the parents allow) - go to the trick, for example, give a puppy, which will have to be regularly walked, with the wording "the granddaughter will come to visit more often to communicate with the cute dog."

4. Keep your finger on the pulse

An indispensable attribute of aging is disease. Even if you do not take your parents personally to doctors, you should track the dynamics of their diseases and understand what they are, what the consequences may be, and, as an option, try on yourself. For example, if your dad loses his sight, try blindfold for a day to see how he is feeling. How will you feel like hearing nothing? And if it is so difficult to move your legs, as if each one has a weight hanging on it? With age, people lose their physical capabilities, there is nothing to be done about it, but you can learn to accept this fact and think in the key "how would it be more comfortable for them."

5. Don't conflict

Elderly people are very often aggressive even for no apparent reason, and the change of mood from "complacent" to "irritated" occurs in the blink of an eye. This is a consequence of dissatisfaction with oneself, inability to cope with the growing fatigue of the body and mind. Do not succumb to provocations, respond to aggression - and you will be lost. You can't wash dirt with mud. Smile, ignore the attacks of an elderly relative, and at the slightest opportunity change the vector, the topic of the conversation. Distract him - and he will forget about how he just got angry.

6. Not pity, but compassion

There is a huge gap between these two feelings. Pity makes a person weak, miserable, compassion can be creative, even cynical, but it can give strength and self-confidence. Compassion is very important, it is a friendly shoulder that you can lean on in difficult times. To be sorry is to take upon yourself the solution of problems, depriving a person of the last remnants of self-respect.

7. No need to argue and prove right or wrong

Typical situation: a retired grandmother complains that adult children burden her with some responsibilities, for example, walking the dog, and she gets tired. Do you remember how the situation developed, and your heart burns to say: but you yourself suggested, because we are late at work! It's useless to argue here, because she has her own version of events. Moreover, the release from the "honorable duty" will be the reason for a new wave of dissatisfaction - they do not trust! Perpetual discontent is a way to attract attention to yourself. Old people lack a sense of their own worth, because they can no longer create meaningful results in life on their own. This is a new character trait due to age-related changes. Do you understand that grandmother cannot walk up to the tenth floor? Take this new trait for granted and learn how to process the negative energy given by the old man and return the positive one. Say more words of love and gratitude.

8. More experiences

Little children are fascinated by everything around them, with age it, alas, passes away, emotions and feelings lose their sharpness. A lot of old people's problems are from boredom. Grandmothers on the bench wash the bones of their neighbors precisely because of the lack of other topics, vivid impressions, but this is not a problem - much worse if communication is limited to the TV screen.

Elderly people just need to keep busy. Fraudsters who sell pennies to old people for fabulous sums are looking for not just lonely, but socially limited old people, and the best way to combat this phenomenon is not iron doors and combination locks, but an interesting thing. And, in principle, any - someone gathers in a company, sews national costumes and sings songs ("Buranovskie grandmothers"), and someone at the computer plays games and asks the grandchildren to not just visit, but to install a new one. toy.

If your mother retells you the next episode of the series with inspiration or tells you for a long time and tediously what and where she hurts, listen patiently. This is her series of events.

Unfortunately, the information space delivers not only positive emotions. Of course, we, as caring children, try to limit parents from negativity, but this is not always possible. That should also be taken for granted, since this is life.

9. Do not blame, including yourself too

When we think about communicating with loved ones, guilt comes up very often. It seems to us that for everyday affairs we devote little time to children, spouse and, of course, parents. And in the latter case, the situation is aggravated by the understanding that the time spent by elderly relatives in this world is inexorably ending, that they will leave, and we will stay, without having time, without saying, without adding something important. But here you need to know the following: people on the border of life and death are more and more immersed in themselves, trying to put their thoughts about the past in order, often simply dropping out of the present. These are features of thinking, features of memory. The events of recent days fade like fog, leaving the main thing - mom and dad. It is in our power to give them as much as possible, but this does not mean that we should replace our own life with the life of our parents. This will not lead to anything good, on the contrary, it will cause reasonable discontent - why did the beloved child never build a career, did not create a family? And explaining that you wanted to be there will have no weight.

10. Forgive and forgive

Perhaps the main thing for the soma is to learn to forgive. Leave grudges in yesterday and start each new meeting as if there were no grievances, because there are more important things than trying to get your parents to understand your position in life. In addition, if you do not forgive your parents today, tomorrow they may be gone …

Forgiving is not easy, it takes strength. There are many practices for maintaining the capacity for compassion - they should not be neglected. Although the most effective, perhaps, is to be able to laugh. Joint laughter washes away the negativity and allows you to step over an unpleasant topic and move on.

I hope this will help you to make your relationship with your parents warmer and more welcoming.