2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Full communication, contact is possible only with another, separate person.
This basic rule of interaction, alas, is one of the most incomprehensible for people raised in a co-dependent environment. … I remember how my mother in childhood reacted to the news about me, which differed from her image of me: “It can't be! Veronica can't be like that! She is a good girl". Many years later I learned that this is a banal non-acceptance, an unwillingness to face otherness, a difference from oneself. After many years assimilating the image of a good daughter for her mother. Now, observing the most different forms of rejection, unwillingness of parents to meet the difference, the dissimilarity of their children with their ideas, their images, what they "should be", "as they should", I see how difficult it is for such children to accept their nature later. I see how grown-up children fight with themselves, sometimes - cruelly, sometimes - mercilessly, and the more they succeed in this, the more unhappy they are. The inability to accept your nature affects, first of all, relationships with other people. Not allowing yourself your needs, desires, hobbies, interests, it is impossible to allow them either to your partner or to your child. And if you suppress yourself and see that someone else has allowed yourself to have the forbidden, you can experience the widest range of feelings - from envy and longing to rejection and hatred. Very often a traumatic person refusing to accept his own - not bad at all, but once uncomfortable for someone! - parts of yourself - your needs, desires, dreams, your natural characteristics … Directs the energy of permission to the child: "My child will have what I did not have." Equally often, this energy is directed towards the partner. Benefits and rights, which are very necessary for the traumatist himself, like from a horn of plenty, are poured on the heads of other people who, alas, do not need these benefits. And these other individuals stubbornly resist the imposed happiness.
… One of my friends made generous gifts to her men …
It was clearly seen from the outside that she was gifting herself "through others", enjoying the process of preparing for giving and the gift itself. Alas, longing and loneliness returned to her very quickly, and men did not appreciate her gifts. Each of them intuitively felt that he was not the addressee, and began to avoid the imposed generosity. … Therefore, the recognition of oneself - real, different from the imposed image and the idea of what should be and should be, is the most important condition for full-fledged interaction (contact). Recognizing your needs, allowing them to have them will automatically open the door to the desire to know the other - And what does he want? What is your dream? Are our values, our views similar? Am I interested with him? Am I enriching - emotionally, spiritually - in contact with him, or am I losing myself? Knowing yourself, accepting yourself with all your characteristics, you will present yourself to another person, and it is very important that he finds out who you are and what you want as soon as possible. Let him, too, decide for himself - whether he can withstand your compatibility, whether this contact is interesting to him, whether he can fully realize himself, etc. Real, full-fledged interaction is possible only through choice …
- I need this particular person, together with him I realize what I need.
And not through addiction ("without him I cannot be realized, be loved, survive", etc.)
I would outline another simple rule of full-fledged interaction as follows:
- Do not fantasize about the thoughts, feelings and desires of another.
Ask him what he thinks. What he feels. What he wants.
Co-addicts tend to endow other people with intentions that they do not have, and explain their actions with meanings that other people do not attach. … The child cannot cope with the task - it means he is lazy; the beloved disappeared from sight for a couple of days - fell out of love; colleagues are silent in my presence - intrigue, envy, etc. Such fantasies are a property of non-separateness, or, in the language of gestalt, fusion. A mother who believes that the child is “not like that” because of his (or her, parental) “badness”, or a woman who is ready for days to discuss with her friends the actions of a man, putting some of her own meanings, which this man does not have in in sight - these are very, very common signs of such a merger - or co-dependence. … Separation is the recognition of the simple fact that we do not know anything about another person until we ask him about him. And until they recognized him. "What did you mean?" "What do you feel?" "Why are you doing this?" “What does your action (deed) mean for you” - these and similar questions bring us closer to understanding another person, his feelings, actions, his meanings. … There is one more simple rule of individual communication: Do not impose. Do not impose help, even if you know how best, how to do it right, do not impose a ready-made solution, advice … until they ask. It is most important for any person to share, it is important that they listen on equal terms, do not rush to jump into the position of a know-it-all. And any person needs to LEARN to find a solution. “Can I offer you my help?” Instead of: “You should…. (action list)”Recognition of individuality, recognition of the right to individual decisions. Even erroneous, if you need to learn from these mistakes. This is the only way that genuine, full-fledged contact can be.
…. Yes, I admit. Such simplicity can be very, very difficult)
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